Raw Talk: Female freedom, family & marriage


Hello this is Neelo and
welcome to Emotional Awareness So we’re here with another Q&A with my beautiful
friend Neelo and we’ve been talking about all sorts of things, it’s gonna be
a bit of a discussion about beauty, about lots of things.
So let’s get straight into it okay so Okay so talking about beauty, I was actually gonna
talk about women, beauty and religion, meaning that, so as I got older and I
started working with men I sort of started realizing how much
good-looking women have, how much power good-looking women have over men and then I started thinking about and then I started thinking it is what it is, this is the real and then I started thinking
about Islam and modesty yeah and how maybe there’s some wisdom to
that maybe you know I’ll talk about like that but not like burka
Tyburn yeah like I don’t want to see anything so I’m not entice more I know not dress the most extreme no I do
believe that I believe in moderation yeah with everything and that’s the same
for modesty for me so I don’t personally I don’t believe in taking it to the
whole other side where you’re kind of the whole glove situation and you know
covering everything but if you want to do it that’s that’s all you but for me I
believe in moderation with modesty as well but mostly I what I’m doing at the
moment is really looking at modesty on a wider scale so modesty in speech modesty
an interaction modesty in day to day everyday how am I actually being as a
person it’s my character models I might just trying really hard to look
the pop yeah so by there’d be no yeah yeah yeah maybe another video good
job I wondered you know like I at the same time I think about like what about
like you twist be modest in your sexual power but what about like like houses
you need in a big house that makes you feel bad as well you know that’s what I
liked one thing I really enjoyed about feds in Morocco is when you go there all
of the houses from the outside look the same all of the houses like you’ll get
buildings and the type types of buildings they all look the same and
then you go inside and it’s this beautiful palace type of looking place
and each riah is different to the other and it’s so beautiful inside but I’m not
I sound nervous yep to be honest so well that it could be to be modest I don’t
know but they do say it’s also because of evil eye and also because they don’t
want other people to feel bad like for people to for envy to be planted in the
hearts when they see each other’s I can’t say I don’t cause i’ve had some
funny interesting dull experiences but I do believe that I mean Envy man like in
several there’s jealousy and jealousies different of jealousy and envy I thought
different emotions like I can be jealous in a good way I can be jealous in a cute
way in a healthy moderate way but then
there’s envy like looking at some something that somebody has and wishing
bad on them it’s still sending our energy you’re still sending some type of
thing out into do try to be careful of it you know you don’t just for yourself
but other people you know of course there’s been times where like I’m human
there’s been times where I’ve seen somebody have something will be some
type of way and I’m just like you know my heart Pelini I absolutely it’s kind
of like a self reminder to people who say you don’t know no him did that like
whatever is for them is forever ever will be for me is for me but but that’s
the thing where I feel like envy or jealousy is one is
people don’t enter me but we are yeah yeah and then you just got to admit
though it’s hard to say I have envy it’s not an easy thing to
swallow them do you know what I mean it’s not it’s not easy but when I was in
Dubai I did this thing I created like a list of all the things item not all the
things I don’t like about myself it’s not like a list of self-hate or anything
where in the three mayor of self-love guy but it was kind of like okay these
are the things that I need to need to improve on and I would suggest other
people try that as well as a healthy way of trying to see where you can mold
yourself better and work that list kept getting longer and longer
oh my god it’s good take a lifetime to get through this but that was if knowing
yourself you know yeah okay okay so we’re gonna move on to marriage now okay
how much of an impact how much of your okay well first of all a huge impact not
okay just to give a backdrop I was engaged but I was engaged because it
would it seemed right for the family it seemed right not because I was in love I
was not in love I was not in it in that sense and I wasn’t getting you up on us
I was when I decided to say yes I was 21 I was I was in my second year of uni it
was before I’ve even like really traveled alone and I seen things but my
heart was already not in it but because everybody everything seemed right family
was happy my grandma was crying from happiness everybody was happy – it just
felt like it felt like it it’s okay but love can come after and it took going
through that to realize no no no it’s very important for me to know I’m really
ensure that my heart is otherwise it just won’t work
I’m in that person where I can’t continue to lie to myself I’ll just
burst I’ll just bounce and that’s kind of what happened
essentially I kinda yeah yeah I kind of really kept it all in kept it on and I
was like you know love can come I’ve seen those are successful marriages in
this way you know you try to rationalize it you try to rationalize it and make
yourself understand bit so that you can justify things to yourself even when you
know that it’s not what really really what your heart wants and I did all of
those things rationalize there everyday and then it just got to a point where I
was like I feel like I’m lying to myself every day what I mean I he was in
Afghanistan I only saw him twice yeah I as in I traveled there twice to see him
but the whole period I mean it lasted about a year but it was mostly me coming
out of it for he yeah so it was much less than that but he’s happily married
now and everything’s all good okay so for now not going through that made me
really change my perspective on how much of a say my parents have and who I want
to be with because you have to remember like one thing also the whole commotion
you know my mom and I sat down and we had a really frank conversation and she
was like for the future for the future you need to always remember that you’re
gonna be sleeping an exam every night not your time hope not no one else only
you so you need to be you need to understand really the decision that
you’re making for yourself and so now it’s a case of I would prefer to have
somebody that my parents get along with and happy with as well but their
decision cannot bit take mine um my ultimately it can’t so the whole and
it’s not you know the whole talk about marrying an Afghan is my Afghans love
marrying Afghans let me just put it that way
Afghan men do not want Afghan women to marry okay that’s a whole other
that’s a whole other issue but even for things like that like trying to think
okay marrying outside of the culture which is something I see happening more
yeah marrying outside of the culture what that would be like personally I
just don’t see myself you know I don’t I never I don’t know I just hope you know
it will do more video I said I’m a hostel the same thing that I would never
mind bengali and then it happen because you’re not looking for it you know
looking for any find some you never know that I know it’s not my friend
yeah okay obviously do you think having kids
limits as you can ask me how much um so you’re married
yep you’re 18 years 14 years deep now you have children yes I’m an 11 year old
and nine ten year old yeah so how do you I think so right it takes up so much of your energy your time and
everything and you know and I see it as like motherhood as something that’s more
fleeting than my career I feel like my to enjoy my career is you can it’s like
the children don’t yet they’re gonna go off and do they might think I can even
see it I think or older they need to be less
and so I see more as motherhood as a more of a time to cherish and then I
kind of do my career as I pursue I’m still doing it I can do more of it as
they be as I become sort of sort of less useful which is happening what I think
of it thank you grow out of this job that’s what happens as a mother and so
you know I read something that I thought was quite controversial where they said
that Oh motherhood is something
have lack of like motherhood something that you can only do a certain time but
create something that you could do afterwards
and I know this is a little bit like because some women not everyone wants to
become mother and not every woman wants to but like I think like my daughter’s
that’s how you know I really think control don’t want for them I think I
would encourage them to think about so now there’s like a biological clock
right like oh you might want to think about Korea and think about motherhood
and then think about your query again because it’s something that’s more like
it even though be their mother forever no
I’m gonna go you know that’s what Khalil Gibran’s up in the Prophet would really
says it was a piece on children in me and he said your children are not yours
they are life’s longing for itself yeah oh my god oh my god if you saw that
actually buy another one of my oh I feel you know and I think I think I can see
it I can see the hold that I want to hold on to it like me my husband watch
kid videos of them all day hold on to that moment it’s gone
how do you feel up knowing that they’ve In their lives you’ve been that from another
person not that you are but you know one yeah that’s it it’s it’s bittersweet and
I don’t know what I’ll do if I just don’t have a passion like I do I really
think it saves me and I can concentrate on so myself and doing I put all my
energy into something doing something else cuz are you doing
as I’m building my career it’s just so in terms of time like the right time to
do these things so with your children being at the age that they all do you
think that’s the kind of time where they start weaning off of you a little bit
and then you have your most space to be able to do what you need go to what are
your passions and you know like preteen occupant teenagers you
the preteens almost like I keep hearing that teenagers is kind of tough and
that’s gonna put me into another yeah like you know a thunderstorm it’s going
to be but uh yeah I think now like you know think of their foreskin school they
come home they wouldn’t they could play outside I just don’t have much of a I
don’t have as much as long as I used to buy five six years ago so yeah I guess
your role also of all young changes I remember no it’s me be nice I mean for
me my mother and I are really close my mother had both my brother and I by at
the time she was 19 oh so she was quite a young mom so she it’s interesting
because she’s almost trying to catch up with life now so every weekend a plan
like a Groupon trip somewhere and you know things like that
that in my life like I always said I never you know my husband and I we we
try to as much as we could but you know just being young and I mean you and now
we’re trying to do all of things all those videos there but we’re bit more
sensible so thank you so maybe a one time
I don’t know okay okay so what do you alright alright okay um marriage marry
just a tough one mind is a tough one but we are here with you’ve done marriage
therapy before yeah yeah yeah it says who better to ask but what do you think
goes wrong what do you think goes wrong one of the things I can get involved is
the level of like these they think they’re gonna be that’s gonna be met by
their marriage I mean it’s like it’s like they were saying but now that we
know we’re not as religious or spiritual or we don’t have much of the community
as we used it now we’re placing all those needs that once these be met by so
many different people and entities into our marriage and it’s almost like like
like essa process that our marital vows just sound ridiculous like I will always
be there for you you’re never lonely you’re a state know what I mean is essentially like emptiness you think
that your marriage is gonna fill it and do you mean that’s also what we’re told
like this idea of okay when you get married that’s the that’s the end of the
happiness line and then you start you on on your life and that’s it I’m happy
no no not the end of that that’s the beginning of happiness so you I mean I
don’t get to that one and then your happiness starts when you’re married
it’s like just because my girls filthy it’s all the other way around so I can
once you get bad have responsibilities are they married or they’re not you know
I’m not I’m not married so I have a lot of friends around me who are married
that’s true they’re not by going through the best of times but then you see like
for example I mean the highlight reel on Instagram because no baby pee in my
floor has been holding on the right hand and it I guess it’s hard not to look at
anything you know it’s hard not to do that but then also there’s the very
unrealistic side of it yeah and I think a best managers from dawn the I saw was
the ones that had they had low expectations it sounds kind of like a
weird thing to say but really and then they were I would say one things that
helped me at my marriage the husband’s that we we don’t look to each other for
everything there’s many other people that we would turn to do you think that
because a lot of people might feel disloyal for turning to other people to
fill those areas so maybe that’s why they expect and then they’re also told
that this partner that you’re spending the rest of your life with people Eve in
both worlds they’re both worlds it’s supposed to give you it’s all that
comprehensive is that top insurance cover gives you every bit about that
yeah the best will be why they feel like they have to yeah but if you feel
disloyal because then it’s like if I feel more comfortable talking to this
person about this particular thing than does it is it because there’s something
wrong with the marriage in my husband where I can’t my mind you know
that’s true and I think that is the moment then this event thinking that I
practice yeah knowing that you’re supposed to meet all your yeah and then
feel the feeling disloyal when you outsource that energy a little bit okay
Nilo is you are 25 years old now yeah one of my biggest regrets is always feeling hasty at least about hasty towards
things a sense of rush to do things rather than kind of sitting back in your
place security doing what you need to do an understanding that it will fall into
place because I think for me when I was at that age I wanted to do everything
and I wanted to do so much that what I felt like I couldn’t do something it
felt like I’m not a part of something that makes sense you know so just being
patient the impatient do you think like can give an example do you think like in
which way do you think rushing koreander my relationships I wouldn’t say career
because at that age I wasn’t personally thinking about rushing towards a career
it was more like friendship groups I had just moved from Leeds to London so I
didn’t know anyone and I was in a rush to make friends and it’s kind of just
not being fully aware of all the energy that’s around you and how it’s really
impacting you until you’re really out and then you see okay that’s what they
are wouldn’t there was just a lot of unnecessary energy around me that I’d
learned around me because I was in a rush to be around people
hmm and not myself is it yeah and don’t miss out that sense of I don’t want to
miss out you know I don’t wanna ya know maybe yeah yeah that’s weak sometimes
feel like I had that now you know no all done like oh I missed out on so much
already the time is ticking by you know we’ll
discover ya in a bit we’re gonna cut okay alright cool so and that’s for me
what do you wish what do you what do I wish would where we grow lunch on you
one of the things I wish I knew was that like like I was pretty enough
Oh ever look like was high you know and I reason why I say that was just because
the amount of energy that I put into worrying about I look like and then if I
had a good day it was because I thought I look and I smile it’s in the mirror I
thought I look bad a bad day like it dictated so much I’m Caroline
you know that’s Emily interesting as well because now what I see is that
these young girls I went back to America I came back to England I saw so many
girls with like lip Fitness now which I didn’t see before it’s a lot more common
now huge thing is a huge thing and I’m like and like some girls are so
beautiful already and I think it’s myself like did you not
think like how beautiful do you need to be and then you’re pretty enough yeah
and they don’t know she was that pretty you know I don’t know it just kind of
then you have to remember like most of these girls at that age they’re seeing
prototypes of what beauty should be you know like everybody and this and that
were slim body and I don’t know Latinas is big boy yeah big but slim waist the
whole like ratio thing and you know it’s red it’s not that you have to feel like
you have to conform and live up to something that isn’t it’s nice and
realistic man maybe for 1% of women should be like I’m a pretty enough
movement you know let’s sort of maybe concentrate on other things yeah because
I see women who are already beautiful at that period beautiful and women who
aren’t necessarily traditional beautiful aren’t so worried about it so it kind of
goes all the way small I made a standard do you think it’s just societal norms
wherever you’re from because in Afghanistan for example they don’t do
makeup and that’s just not part of their routine but then they always also don’t
see it it’s not constantly in their face to get things done so for them what they
call beauty is actually really simple looks you know makeup and when it’s
money played in America the Afghan women do they go it’s crazy because I feel
like once they leave it’s every opportunity to
be something other than what you are do you see why I mean because you don’t
it’s not part of the culture part of the norm to do it that when you are able to
you kind of go all out on doing it but they do go all out on weddings of course
it’s just not part of everyday routine everyday it’s not culture to kind of
dress up every day the way that we do here when we go to work or when we do
things it’s just not part of the culture yeah it’s very simple and also like even
just from experience of my cousin’s in the South looking for my region and I
know that they don’t they specifically look for girls that look simple really
layered fun yet like what we not simple just too much on the face if it’s like
too much makeup too just too much of stuff yeah so it’s with
it’s strange why so that’s it for today right now and thank you so much for
watching and make sure you check out finding me lo on Instagram and I will
see you next time make sure you like comment subscribe know I’m hope I do
want to kind of I want to get it started I just want to

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Comments

  1. Great conversation! Self-love is so important if we don't love ourselves how can we leave space to support others. <3

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