David [off-screen]: Another letter from a happy parent! “Dear David and Gwen, thanks for an eventful Parent’s Day. Seeing you two step up to run the camp and promise to look after Neil really put my mind at ease. Mainly because that other guy got shipped off to
Super Guantanamo right in front of us and our children. Sorry again for the theater incident,
please let Candy know that the number she gave me was for a sandwich shop.” Aww! Gwen: It’s nice to feel appreciated for once. Add it to the wall of small victories. ~ping~ Hey, I thought we already paid our water bill this month. And our electricity. David, what’s going on? David: Hey, here’s one from the Millers! “Attention, Campbell counselors! We regret to inform you that due to his impending trial, all assets owned by Cameron C. Campbell have been FROZEN”?! Gwen: You mean our funding for the camp is gone?! David: And there’s more! “Please tell Meredith that her father and I love her very much and wish her–” Oh, okay, the rest is just about their daughter. Gwen: David! Campbell barely set aside enough cash
to keep this place standing. Without it, we’ll be shut down by the end of the week and I’ll have to start sending out resumes again! ~screaming into the shoe-scented void~ ~SMACK~ David: Don’t start screaming into shoeboxes just yet, Gwen. We can figure this out, we can raise enough money to save Camp Campbell! Oh, but the campers can’t find out. if they knew how dire things were, they never trust us again! We’d look completely incompetent! Gwen: We ARE completely incompetent! And there’s no way anyone would donate money to some shitstain camp in the middle of nowhere! We need something more personal. Something people can really sympathize with. David: We’re going to raise money to replace Quartermaster’s stolen hook! ~sniffles and sobbing~ Quartermaster:
What kinda monster would do such a thing?! ~sobbing continues~ ♪♪ Ohhhhh ♪♪ ♪ There’s a place I know that’s tucked away ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play ♪ ♪ And have adventures every day ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe,
but guys and gals it’s true ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place for me and you ♪ ♪ We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees ♪ ♪ Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees ♪ ♪ There’s endless possibilities ♪ ♪ And no, that’s not hyperbole ♪ ♪ Our motto’s “Campe Diem”, and that means I’m telling yoooooooou ♪ ♪ We’ve got archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking ♪ ♪ Horseback,
training that’ll save you from a heart attack ♪ ♪ Scuba diving, miming ♪ ♪ Football, limbo, science, stunting ♪ ♪ Pre-Calc, spaceships, treasure hunting ♪ ♪ Bomb defusal, no refusal ♪ ♪ Fantasy, circus trapeze ♪ ♪ And fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes ♪ ♪ And knives, and chess, and dance, and weights ♪ ♪♪ It’s Camp Camp ♪♪ ~sobbing~ Max: Why is he so upset? He’s got, like, a thousand different hand attachments. Neil: Most of them arguably more practical
than his hook. Nikki: I concur! Gwen: Nikki, don’t touch that! You don’t know where it’s been. ~sulks~ David: Quartermaster’s hook is his favorite. A-and besides, it’s not just about the hand. It’s…it’s the principle of the matter. Do you really want to spend the rest of this summer having to look at that sad face? ~Sobbing~ ~pwooo~ ~squick~ Kids: Ew!
Neil: Oh God!
Harrison: No, I rather not. David: Exactly! Now brace yourselves, kids. We need to raise five… hundred dollars! ~DUN DUN DUN~ Gwen: Where did you get that? David: I bought it! … Oh. Ered: So, like, what’s the plan? Gwen: Great question, great question. … Does anybody have a plan? Harrison: What if we made an ad for TV? Preston: OH, I LOVE THAT! A heartbreaking call to ACTION,
crammed with so much depressing imagery. You’d have to be HEARTLESS not to donate. Gwen: Yeah, that’s good. David: I don’t know, Gwen. Don’t you think that’s a little… emotionally manipulative? Gwen: Yes! Come on, kids, time to raid the film camp supplies! Kids: ~indistinct chattering~ Neil: That plan stinks. Who watches TV on television these days? If you want to make money,
then cryptocurrency is the way to go. Nikki: Ooo! And where might one find this crypt of currency? Max: Seriously, stop touching these. ~smash~ David: What’s cryptocurrency? Neil: Haven’t you ever heard of Ethereum? Bitcoin? Dogecoin? If we created the cryptocurrency that people invested in I could design it so that a percentage of every unit mined went back into our pockets! Everyone makes money, but WE make the most! ~weirdly squishy blink noise~ David: I like the part where everyone makes money. Neil: To Lester’s ‘Lectronics! ~twing! twing! twing!~ ~boing!~ Nikki: What should we do to raise money, Max? Rob a bank? Max: Don’t you think Gwen and David were acting weird about this whole thing? Nikki: Nah, I’m thinking about robbing a bank! Max: Who the hell steals a hook hand? Nikki: Pirates? Oh, pirates! Why rob banks when we could find buried treasure? I’ma go plunder some booty! ~fading footsteps~ Max: Hmmm… Nerf [V.O.]: Every hour… children at Camp Campbell are neglected… Without their Quartermaster able to provide for them many campers are left hungry and afraid. And with no one giving them the attention they need many of them will die. Preston: Hello, there! My name is Preston Goodplay. And for a monthly donation of just five hundred dollars You can help campers like little Nerf here get the
love and affection they deserve. Little Nerf: Otherwise, I’ll die. In fact, by the time you’re watching this, I’m probably already dead! And it’s all your fault. Preston: Is that what you want? You want to KILL KIDS?! You disgust me. Harrison [V.O.]: Call now and donate to receive a free tote bag. Preston: Nailed it. So, what do you think? Gwen: What do I think?! Preston, this commercial was supposed to be about the Quartermaster’s hook hand. Not how we neglect and kill children! Yeah, all this footage just turned out to be more disturbing then sympathetic, according to our focus group. We chose to limit his visibility in the final edit. Gwen: HE WASN’T IN IT AT ALL! Preston: He was on the tote bag! Gwen: Wait, how much did it cost to get these made? Preston: Not as much as it costs to book
televised air time. Gwen: WHAT?! Max: I knew it, you sick motherfuckers! But why…? ~snap~ 🙁 David: What are you doing? Gwen: Compensating a local broadcast station. David: Gwen, maybe this isn’t the best way to go about raising money. Neil: You’re damn right! David: WE DIDN’T DO IT! Neil: TV commercials and toll-free numbers
are relics of a bygone age! You want to make money? Then invest… in Neilbux! ~beeping~ Gwen: And how, exactly, does this make us money? Neil: It’s simple. David [whisper]: It’s not. Neil: All you need to know is that the more people in places that start
investing in and accepting Neilbux the faster the value will increase! Gwen: So what’s the value at now? ~ding~ ~printing noises~ ~fwip~ ~fwoop~ David: A million dollars? We’re rich! Gwen: It’s upside-down. ~fwip~ And I repeat: HOW, exactly, does this make us money?! Neil: Gwe-hen, Gweeeeen. The market is constantly fluctuating. It’s just a matter of patience and- ~DING!~ OH MY GOD! SELL NOW! NOOOW! ~BRR-BRP~ Annnd we’re back down to initial value,
and that’s fairly normal. Nothing to get worked up about,
just the way of the game and it’s a game I intend to win. It’s fine. David: All things considered, we got an incredible deal on those graphics cards. Gwen: David, I’m starting to think that entrusting our financial problems to a bunch of children may not have been the best idea. Pirate Nikki: Yaaar, I be coming for that booty! David: You might be on to something. ~gurgle~ ~FWOOSH! Pirate Nikki: Awww, oil again? Where’s the treasure map when you need one? Max [off-screen]: Is it blackmail? Ransom? ~rustling, paper sounds~ Seriously! What the hell do these two idiots want with
a stupid hook hand? What are they trying to hide? Letters? ~vroom~ ~nyoom~ David: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! It warms my heart to see so many people coming out for a good cause. Trucker Hat [off-screen]: Hey, is there more pizza?! Gwen: N-no? Crowd:~indistinct chatter~ David: ANDBYNOWEMEANYES! ~NYOOM~ Gwen: Pizza bros? Yeah, it’s me again. David: Ha-as I was saying. We’re here for a good cause: To raise money for our poor, poor Quartermaster,
whose hook hand was stolen. Crowd: Awwwww…- Ewwwww! Gwen: And in order to replace it, we’re going to need Neil: To invest in our futures! David: Neil! What are you doing? Neil: That’s right, folks! I’m talking about Neilbux! It’s not a fad, it’s not a scam and I did invest quite a lot of my dad’s money at it. And so should you! For one night only, I’m offering those savvy enough to purchase an official certificate good for one Neilbux! Bartender: Don’t you mean Neilbook? Neil: Nooooo, “Bux” with an “X”. Look, I already registered the domain name, okay?! Now who wants to learn about blockchains? Gwen: Neil… Nerf [V.O.]: Every hour… Gwen: Oh no. Nerf [V.O.]: children at Camp Campbell are neglected… Crowd: ~murmuring~ Gwen: No no no! There’s no neglect, nobody’s died! Pirate Nikki [off-screen]: Gwen, David! I found a human skull! Yaaaar! Crowd: ~exclaims~ Preston[recording]:Hello there! David [nervously]: So, how about we start the show off with a song?
Preston[recording, background] My name is Preston Goodplay and for a monthly donation of- ~speaker feedback~ Max [off-screen]: Oh, you’re gonna sing all right, David! Old Lady: Now what’s happening? Who is that? Trucker Hat: And where is the pizza?! Max: These counselors aren’t here to “help the needy”. They’re here to steal all of your money! Gwen: Max… what are you doing? Max: That’s funny, Gwen. Because I want to know what YOU’RE doing with the Quartermaster’s stolen hook! ~crowd gasps~ Nerf: But, why? Harrision: And why keep it in your shorts? That’s, like, asking for trouble. Crowd: ~argues~ Gwen: Um, I can explain… David: [Sobbing] WE’RE SAH-HA-HA’ORRY! We needed to raise money to keep the camp from shutting down and we didn’t know what to do, and so we did
a bad thing, and then we lied to everyone And we’re SO SO SAH-HA-HA-HA’ORRE-HEE! Nikki [off-screen]: The camp’s shutting down? Gwen: If…if we can’t get enough money. Quartermaster [off-screen]: Is that true? ~sniff~ David: Yes, Quartermaster. At the end of the week, Camp Campbell- Quartermaster: YOU STOLE AN AMUPTEE’S PROSTHETIC HAND FOR A GODDAMN PROFIT?! Gwen: Oh, wow. When you phrase it like that, it really does sound fucking aw- -FWOAHL! ~heaves~ David: Quartermast- AUGH! ~Quartermaster grunts~
David: UHH! ~crowd cheers~
Background Extra: Get that boy! Kill him! Gwen: Now, now we know you’re mad,
but we were going to give it back! Swear to God! Quartermaster: Swear to me. ~ROARS~ Max: Ooh, that’s gotta hurt, folks. But I think we can make it hurt little more! ~David screams in agony~ Rotten tomatoes: $20. Folding chairs: $100. Step right up and you can donate your money to a cause you can believe in: Watching two dickheads get exactly what they deserve. ~$$$~ ~groan~ ~groan~ Max: Gotta say,
I respect the underhandedness of this whole scheme but you guys forgot one thing. People don’t always give out of
the kindness of their hearts but they’ll definitely pitch in to fuck over
someone they hate. ~DING!~ Gwen: Holy shit, Max, you did it! You’re a Gen-AAAH! ~squeeze~
David [struggles]: I’ve never been more proud. ~Quartermaster grunts~ Max: He’s used to serving up shitty potatoes,
but tonight he’s serving up justice. Give it up for the Quartermaster! ~crowd cheers~
Trucker Hat [off-screen]: Beat them up! They’re safe! David [struggles]: Well, we did it, Gwen.
Makes you feel all warm inside. Gwen [struggles]: I think that’s internal bleeding. ~RRRIP~ ~CLUNK~ Max: Now let’s really get this show started, folks! Place your Neilbux! ~Quartermaster hups~ Quartermaster: AAAAAAAAAAHHH! [Richie Branson – “Technically, That’s a Hook”]