Thanks, everybody, for coming out.
Should be a really fun night tonight. So the premise here is that you guys got a random person in this bar. We’re gonna just walk up to him, give him a birthday card, give him a present and say “Ted, happy birthday”. We’ll probably try to pick somebody who has a friend in the bar with him, so the “Ted” will have somebody that he can kind of, like, look at him and make sure he’s not crazy. (Laughter) What’s going on? Happy birthday, Ted.
*What’s goin’ on, man?* How are you?
Good, Fred’s here. What’s going on? Are we the first to arrive? *I don’t know – do I… do I know you guys?*
(Laughs) Yeah, right! *What are your guys’ names?*
Huh? I’m Charlie, man, how do you know Ted?
*-Ted’s not my name!* *Ted? This is Chris, man.*
Ah, you might be living a double life and he might telling you that he’s Chris or something but- *”Ted” and I- “Ted” and I go way back.*
Oh yeah? *Back to Jersey, yeah.*
Oh, OK, well we knew Ted- *How do you guys know Ted?*
We knew Ted at UNC Chapel Hill. *Yeah, alright, that’s where I went(!)*
We were freshmen together at Morrison dorm.
*Right, right* Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cool, well we’re gonna get a drink. Do you think that you, like, look like this dude or something?
*Could be.* Hey, long time no see!
*Hey, how you doing?*
How are you? I got you a present. You know my boyfriend-
*Yeah, sure, sure.* Hey, Ted, what’s going on baby?
*How’re you doing?* I have a present
*Nice, nice, the presents are flowing* Sombody slipped out of the office a little bit early? But I think that’s understandable as it’s your birthday.
*Absolutely, man, it’s my day!* What about Lauren, is she coming?
*Um, I’m not sure she’s gonna make it. I haven’t talked to her too much lately.* You guys broke up, what, six months ago?
*I think it was more than that – about a year ago actually.* *(“Ted”‘s friend laughs hysterically)* I still don’t know why you dumped her, man- Ted, how’re you doing?
-How are you?! Is Lauren here yet?* *No I don’t think she’s gonna make it actually.* She told me you invited her! *Well, I’ve been doing a lot of crazy things lately, so-* Birthday card!
*Thanks a lot.*
*Thanks guys.* I’m giving you a heads up; Lauren *is* here. Who’s here?
*Lauren.* How are you?
*Good, how you doing?* (Lauren speaks inaudibly)
*Yeah, it’s good to see you too.
Thank you, thank you.* How does it feel to be 28?
*It hasn’t sunk in yet.* I got you something.
I didn’t know if it was your size. *Perfect!
You know my size* Teddy!
*Alright!* Look who I’ve got! *(Raucous greetings)* Happy birthday. It’s been a long time!
*Grampa! It’s been really-*
I knew you two guys were gonna get back together! So when are we gonna hear wedding bells, huh?
*(Lauren and “Ted” laugh awkwardly)* *He broke up with me.* He’s a fool!
*I know!* Man: Happy birthday! I got you a present.
*Woman: Hi! It’s been so long!* *”Ted”: It’s been so long.*
Happy birthday! *(Baby cries)*
Wow, Ted, you got a real way with children! *(Singing)*
Happy birthday Ted! We’re gonna have to take off soon.
We’ll see at work tomorrow though. *Hey, take it easy.* See ya, Ted, happy birthday! See ya, Lauren.
We hope to see more of you guys. Do you wanna, like, get back together sometime?
*Yeh, maybe.* Maybe?
Why, are you seeing someone?
*No, I’m not seeing anybody.* *I just… don’t wanna rush into anything like I did last time.* *How about you? Are you seeing anybody?*
No. You broke my heart, you know? *I did.
I kinda broke my own heart too.* Really?
*Yeah, seriously. Yeah.* I’ll give you a call. I’m gonna go.
*Alright.* I’m gonna walk my dog.
I haven’t walked him since this morning. Good to see you again, take care. And don’t lose that hat like you lost all the other ones. It was good to meet you. *Yeah, I got an iPod Shuffle, I got a cake, I got-* *I’m like the dude from Fight Club, Ed Norton, like, I think I might be Brad Pitt, but I’m not sure.* That was the weirdest #####
*But then I got into it-* You got into it?! I thought for sure that-
*But, seriously though, if I dont find out what this was, I may go crazy-* *I may, like, completely lose my mind.*
(laughs) I was more confused than he was. I didn’t know who was who. I was like, “Are you Ted, man? Like, did we go to back to high school together?” *I was waiting for the real Ted to come in, actually, and then I thought it was gonna be something to fight over.* *Every 25 minutes I had to remember I wasn’t a schizophrenic!*