– If you’re struggling with
out of control arguments, by the end of this video
you’ll have an expert solution on how to apply a simple principle yet it’s a hard concept
to put into practice. Stay tuned and I’ll explain. For the best marriage
advice give us a thumbs up, subscribe and hit the bell to be notified when we post a new video every Wednesday. Hi, my husband and I co-founded
Intentional Marriages. We’ve shared this with over
a hundred married couples and it’s oh so easy to forget but very powerful once
you make it a habit. Obviously, you’ve noticed that our actions tend to be reactive versus proactive, which is a good thing when you’re trying to avoid a car accident, but it’s not a good thing
when your boss says, “Hey, I’m disappointed
in your sales number.” Or somebody cuts you off in traffic. Or your spouse falsely
accuses you of something. Our choice to immediately
react to those situations sometimes makes it even worse. Comment below if you
can relate to responding in a negative tone back to your boss or trying to show that driver (laughs) it’s not wise to cut you off or reacting to your
spouse and not thinking before what you’re about to say. Emotional intelligence allows us to understand and manage our emotions but it does take practice. There is one thing that you can do to improve your emotional intelligence and save you from a
conversation of regret. And that is the one-second pause. You’re like, “Really? “There’s gotta be more
to it than that, right?” (laughs) Yes, but remember what I said earlier that this is an easy concept to talk about but very difficult to implement. The way this looks in an argument is stopping the tennis match war of words. Because everything in us
wants to be defensive, critical, show contempt, stonewalling, yet that never produces the outcome that we want in a conversation. So the key is to hit the ball into the net and just stop the war of words. It takes so much more strength to stop because it’s gonna feel
like you’re losing, and you don’t wanna lose, everything in your system
wants to fight back. But if you hit that ball into the net and stop the war of words, it takes so much more
strength on your part than it does for the
person that is spewing their venom of words. Earlier in this video I told you I would share a personal story. Now it’s not gonna seem like much but it was a pivotal
moment for our marriage. I remember I was sitting
at the kitchen table, Russ and I were arguing about something. And for me it’s easy to shutdown, I’m a stonewaller, it’s not a good thing, but it’s easier for me
to pause in an argument. Whereas Russ is more
verbal and it’s not as easy for him to stop. And I remember our counselor
had repeatedly told us about this one-second pause. If you can catch yourself
during a one-second pause, you can shift and change
your whole argument. And the difficulty of it is if you imagine a football player, like Russ is an athlete,
he was a football player, imagine asking him to stop in mid-play. That is how hard it is for somebody who’s more verbal in an argument to stop in the middle of it
and just say, “Okay, I stop.” Well, our counselor had coached us and coached us to find that one second to stop, separate, de-escalate
the emotional flooding. And we talked about emotional
flooding in this video here. The counselor ask us
to stop and calm down. And I’ll never forget,
Russ was in mid-sentence where he caught himself and he stopped, and he just turned around and walked off. And the good thing was we already knew that if both of us walk
off from a conversation that we both need the
20 minutes to calm down before we reengage in the conversation. It was so impressive but it
had taken us a lot of practice to get to that point. You’ll get frustrated. You’ll be like, “Oh this is really hard.” Because you’ve got this adrenalin and epinephrine flowing
through your system and all you wanna do is probably fight. If you can stop that
tennis match war of words, catch yourself in that one second, you can shift this whole argument and prevent things from escalating. We have a free download that’ll describe the symptoms of flooding. And once you can identify
that you’re feeling flooded, you then can take that one-second pause and again shift your arguments to something that is a more
productive conversation. If you found this video interesting, give us a like below, subscribe and take a screenshot. (camera shutter clicks) One second and share with your friends. So be sure to comment below and let me know if you’re gonna try this one-second pause during
your next heated conversation. Follow along in these additional topics and we’ll see you in the next video. Thanks for watching.

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  1. The one second pause. I love that. It will raje training and practice but I can totally see how a shift will occur! 🔥👏🏽🔥👏🏽🔥

  2. Interesting. Never thought of how hard it is for someone to stop in an argument until you used the football reference. Great video

  3. Thanks for sharing! Hopefully I remember this one second pause the next time I have an argument with my husband. Better to pause than say something I regret.

  4. The 1 second pause is SOOOO powerful! Also using the 'walk off' to let the other person know you need a 20 min break before tackling the issue together. Thank you for sharing!

  5. Great Tip!!! This is actually a super powerful tip! I will definitely try to remember the 1 second pause- it sounds like an incredible technique.

  6. Wow. I was talking to my husband and told him about the pause. We purposely tried it and it was amazing how we slowed down! Great tip!

  7. Yes, reacting before thinking has always been a challenge for me! Thank you for the tips and explanation. The pause technique sounds very worthwhile to practice.

  8. This is fantastic advice. I think we have all been in an argument where it went back and forth like a never ending tennis match. The 1 second pause and taking a step back is awesome but completely agree that it is difficult to do.

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