The Age of Stupid (10th Anniversary Mini-Sequel)


(Music) Away you go. Honorable Earthy members, we have all seen the terrifying message that has come to us from space, and we are all agreed we must not let happen to us what happened to those poor people on Earth. So, I’m today declaring a Climate Emergency. All of the resources of governement to be directed towards the immediate decarbonisation of the entire economy. The scale of this effort is unlike anything seen in the UK since the Second World War. Hundreds of thousands of new jobs are being created to insulate every building, to replace every oil boiler, to install clean energy plants small and large. Single-use plastics are banned. Supermarkets can no longer throw away edible food. All public transport is free as of today. Rural train and bus lines are being reopened. Every pupil who walks or cycles will win extra funds for their school. Drivers have 18 months to trade in their diesel and petrol vehicles for electric cars, or to receive a cash bonus for going car free. Reforestation and rewilding are now our primary goals, both within China and working with our friends in Brazil and Indonesia. Together we will plant a trillion trees, enough to reabsorb 10 years worth of global emissions. Yes, some people are not happy flying only occasionally or eating much less meat, but everyone can also see the health benefits of our new low-carbon, plant-based diet. Childhood obesity is disappearing, cancer rates are dropping, diabetes has cut in half. The fossil fuel era is over as the international ban on the extraction of oil, gas and coal comes into effect. BP, Chevron, Exxon and Shell have all ceased trading and have all filed for bankruptcy. Good. Good riddance. See ya, bye! Like the oil industry in reverse, I like to say basically, we use geothermal technology to capture excess carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Then we liquefy under high pressure. We pump it through these tunnels and store underground forever. Technology’s not new. It’s been around for a while. What’s changed, though, is the 60 trillion dollars of investment from the UN that’s allowed a new industry to spring up overnight. The climate crisis was caused by people and companies who knew exactly what they were doing. People like the car manufacturers who lied about their emissions. The advertisers who created fake grassroots campaigns. The media corporations who gave the climate deniers airtime. Today we have launched the first in a series of class actions in the Earthly High Court of Justice to compel those companies to use their billions of profit to repair the damage they have caused and to compensate our citizens. It is a landslide victory for Fred Miliband and his vision for a zero carbon Britain. A New Green Dawn has broken, has it not? This is a victory for planet not party. People have made clear their overriding concern is to keep planet Earthly habitable for their children and grandchildren. Now, Britain may be a small country, but too many of the carbon molecules in the atmosphere have been put there by us. So, it is our moral duty to work tirelessly with other countries to win the fight against climate change, and that is what I am now going to do. Hell, ya. Here in the undergrowth, we are seeing life return. Most importantly, the invertebrates are beginning to flourish. We have, it seems, averted insectaggedon and just in time. Now, that’s great news for the insects, but absolutely vital news for people who eat food. The extreme weather events who are suffering from the things that really hit hard, heat waves and floods and droughts and wildfires and the strongest of the hurricanes are beginning to slow down in their frequency. There are some things we’re gonna have to deal with, of course. We can’t immediately unmelt the ice sheets. We’ve got locked in problems we’re gonna have to deal with, but it looks now at last that we’re going to have a climate that is suitable for humans and other species in those places, which is brilliant news, and we’re gonna have avoided what would have been tens of millions extra climate refugees. I would like to thank you on behalf of the people of the Maldives and of all the low-lying islands of the world. Thank you, thank you, and thank you. What we’ve collectively done is saved millions of lives, possibly billions of lives, possibly everyone’s, and as an added bonus we’ve created a much more equal society. Gone are the shameful days of child poverty, austerity, homeless people dying on the streets. On Twatter this morning, President Ocassio Cortez invited her followers to suggest names for the new geological era we’re entering as The Age of Stupid is drawing to a close. Meanwhile, in Sweden, Greta Thunberg has called off the school strike. Job done. Oh, I guess we have to go back school now. I am completely thrilled to announce that for the first time in humany history, global emissions have now stabilized. They have stabilized and are now starting to come down. We are collectively headed to a 50% cut by 2030 and to net zero by 2050. We are on target to not exceed 1.5 degrees. Commentators are calling this moment the EU’s finest hour. But, I would like to go one further than that, forget penicillin, forget landing on the moon. This is the single greatest achievement in the history of womankind. (Music) The question I’ve been asking is, ‘Why didn’t we save ourselves when we had the chance?”

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