THE BACHELOR (but nothing happens)

I love the bachelor I’ve been watching the show for like ten seasons. I’m not even kidding I used to watch it with my mom when I left back home in Pennsylvania, and that tradition has carried on every single season I am in literally in The Bachelor Sorry graphic. And along the way I’ve dragged in my friends. Like I’ve got multiple people very very invested in The Bachelor And so I invited one of them over because The Bachelor is back, baby Thank you When did I first show you the bachelor? Like two years ago, I think I’ve seen four seasons Yeah, cuz the bachelor and the Bachelorette we watch them all and we watch bachelor in paradise Yeah, I don’t know there’s just something about the show that’s so like It’s just good. It’s good the manipulation from the producers.. top-notch. I want to do that. I want that job. Please hire me NBC She’s a bitch. And lucky for us the new season The Bachelor just came out this season Colton is the bachelor. She thinks he’s hot he’s invisible to me So that’s why Alex is here because we are going to watch the season premiere together. It’s literally.. We’re literally having a bachelor viewing party Sorry, I ever stuttered so much. We’re literally having a bachelor viewing party Why did you just repeat me? I don’t know But no bachelor viewing party is complete without…. Dark. Red. Water.. Yes dark red water. We’re gonna be drinking some dark red water Just water and we serve the dark red water in fancy glasses Just cuz it’s it’s it’s girls night. It’s girls. It’s probably its target water very hydrating extra hydration cheers to dark red water. Cheers to dark red water Mmm water dark red variety This tastes like monetization cheer Now that we got our air pods in and everyone knows we’re rich. Let’s get started Colton shocking journey to find love starts right now Excited bachelor fans are headed into the biggest viewing party in bachelor history Viewing party Oh, yeah Every single premiere episode or finale episode of The Bachelor is for some reason like elongated. There like three hour Episodes. But the actual show itself ten minutes if maybe five No, realistically it’s like 40 minutes. But like what is the extra two hours and 20 minutes for? There is literally more not show then show Oh something I like to call bachelor fluff cuz it’s honestly it’s literally just fluff and it’s always really Really cringey? We’ve never done anything quite like this before you do it every season Yeah Well, hello, welcome to the live three-hour premiere of The Bachelor, I’m Chris Harrison Do you think Chris Harrison has ever fucked a contestant? I can’t stop looking at the extras. I know being an extra in a situation like this is actually a nightmare like all of them on camera like this girl over here on the Left is just so on camera. Does she even know if this girl is kind of eye fucking Chris Harrison She loves Chris Harrison. We all do. That guy back there is staring directly into the lens She is doing it now too- they’re both staring directly into the lens. Some of your favorite bachelor alumni are holding down their own parties Around the country. We’ve got Kaitlyn and Jojo in my hometown of Dallas, Texas Let’s go to Park City Utah, Ashley and Jared are there this is phenomena. There’s also one more party. We’re hosting tonight There’s another party. Okay, so they have three viewing parties set up for us to watch Why do I wanna watch a viewing party? All of these viewing parties are watching other viewing parties? So ‘Black Mirror’. Kaitlyn and Jo Jo ladies, what’s happening in Big D? Ladies what’s happening in Big D? “We also have a very special guest Chris, I think you might know her – it’s your mom Mary Beth! Momma Harrison, whats going on?” Really I’m gonna watch the first episode of The Bachelor but we’re like watching Chris Harrison’s mom I just wanna watch the fucking show! I think everybody here, inlcuding Mary Beth, myself, Jo Jo, we are all very excited to see how everything goes down for Colton tonight. Yeah we are so let’s See it! there actually is one more very special viewing party happening tonight a bit more intimate though Oh crystal and goose They’re in a hot tub.. You’re gonna be joining us here soon because we’re actually backstage in the parking lot and a hot tub So we can’t wait to see you Alright Crystal and goose – what is happening?! This is literally what it’s all about Oh hot tub in a parking lot thank you for the invite – no. Mood. Your favorite bachelors and bachelorettes are here and a lot of other special guests. I see one right there. Mr. Neil Lane in the house My good friend Oh Oh All right, you guys ready to see Colton in the show yeah, yeah That’s gonna happen. All right after we take a quick break I don’t know. Would you ever be on the show? No, no, no. No, sorry We were about to meet the ladies who are hoping to fall in love with Colton, but first want to go back to Ashley Jerrod All right, how long has been made of Colton Colton’s virginity I’m just glad that nobody’s talking about mine anymore Do you guys think it’s as big of a deal and people are making it out to be I? Think that’s what makes too big a deal a lot of virgins But like then again, it’s Riley TV like they’re supposed to are you drunk? Now you’re about to take our first look at Colton as the bachelor But first, let’s check in with Jason and Blake out in Lansing, Michigan Michigan having a blast. I’ll tell you what, thank you so much burning David for open up your home for us. We’re having a blast Your superfan of Colton what do you love about Cole I love that he stays true to himself and he is super attractive The limos are lined up ready to arrive at the mansion, but before they do let’s look at Colton as the new bachelor I’m Colton Underwood. I’m 26, and I never expected to be the next Bachelor. I am the first virgin bachelor And it’s crazy to even think about that Well Colton find the love of his life will he lose his virginity along the way Yes, I am now outside If you couldn’t tell trying to get into this, exclusive crystal and goose watching party out here at the hot tub Hey, will you add us Stephanopoulos Robin Roberts and throw Seacrest on the list here as well? They may stop by and get in the hot tub How’s it going out here loving it loving it Are you guys having a good time out here with crystal he goes we’re having a great time nice and warm Chillin, we got some steam Alright coming up next it is time for Colton to meet the ladies. So limos are pulling up to the mansion We’ll do that when we come back What the fuck is this I had fucked the contestants if I was Chris Harrison, I don’t know if that’s illegal Let’s check back in with Joe Joe and Kaylin back at steam theory brewing in Dallas, Texas ladies, what’s going on in Dallas? I Think I caught something Oh Great space work. Sorry to break this up. I’ll get back to Dallas, but I’m being told that something’s going down in Park City Utah Ashlee, what’s up and Utah? I’ll take your virginity I’m just so excited to be here surrounded by all this love and excitement and we can’t think of a better opportunity than right now, so Oh Not now, oh my god, our relationship reminds me a lot of The Bachelor because it started out so quickly It was after an episode of The Bachelor that we first said I love you to each other She Has to say yes, like she can’t say no could she say no I know that’s the other thing but she can’t say no say no. She has to say later. Like listen, dude. I said, yes, but Pastor Colton it is time Let’s head to the mansion Finally we are 40 minutes in 4-0 minutes. What was that? What did we just watch it fluff? We watched fluff and now it’s 1:00 in the morning why it’s literally 1:00 in the morning You’ve been watching this for so long and nothing has happened video is basically over the video is over right on like this is normally how much footage I have or video might want in my Dark red water is gone Yeah, I’ve got a lot of left Guys that’s it for this week’s video. Sorry. We never got to see the actual episode of The Bachelor That’s because they just never showed us it took too long. And that’s what this video is about. I hope you liked it I hope it made you laugh. And if it did make sure to give it a big thumbs up And yeah, that is pretty much it. Thank you guys so much for watching and I’ll see you all next Saturday with another new video

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