The Ellen Staff’s ‘Bachelor Recap’: Pageants, Pirates, and Pool Parties!


Hi, guys. I’m Tracy. And I’m Andy. And this week was a roller
coaster of an episode, so let’s just jump in. We’ve got to get right to it,
and you know who we need– Miss New Jersey himself. Get in here. Yay! I feel like you could
be Miss New Jersey. Could be? How about he is? Look at him. Why am I doing a prize model? I brought my
fantasy closet robe. Is this your evening wear? It is. I took it right from Demi. You’re so casual. Yeah, are you
feeling comfortable? She said, if you want to
be inappropriate in front of 25 strangers that you don’t
know, you should wear a robe. And so here we are. And there you are. I can be uncomfortable
in front of you two, work my little shimmy. Aaron’s here! Oh, there he is. There he is. OK, so let’s talk
about this episode. One moment that I
really like, which maybe this is jumping ahead– Oh, the turkey leg? No. That was amusing. But I felt like we had a
really good moment where Colton walked off stage, and
went behind the scenes, and was talking
to his producer– I always love when
you get to see behind the scenes
with the producer. It makes me happy every time. And it felt like I
was seeing a genuine– he’s such a smiley– he’s a really good
conversationalist, and then to see how this was
actually taking a toll on him. I always enjoy that. Because you see them
really conflicted. It makes them seem real. Yeah, doesn’t it feel
like it’s forced conflict? They’re letting
you on the inside. The first group date– –was rated arr! Sorry, I had to do it. I had to do it. You’re off the hook. Oh, see, thank you. I think we just got canceled. So anyway, so they go
do this interacting– they’re learning how to do these
pirate skills like American Gladiator style jousting. So Hannah keeps winning. They’re making it seem
like Hannah B is going to be the big
winner of the thing, and literally all
she has to do is go– boop, and the other girl
falls, and they’re just down, and she’s like, yeah! And the best is–
wait, do that again. Yeah! We see Tracy, my girl, knock
one person down, and we’re like, oh, she won, and then Hannah
B is like, boom, boom, boom, and they’re like,
well, the final two are Tracy and Caitlin. It was so weird. So weird. I just assumed it was going
to be the two of them, because they’re
obviously pitting them against each other. Right, which I’m
really enjoying. I have questions for
you about that later. Caitlin knocks Tracy off, and
then she climbs up the thing, and Colton’s like, save me. No, he goes, are you
going to save me? And she’s like, yes, and then
she has to untie his arm thing, and then they have
an awkward kiss. There’s not an
ending in his future. No. Yeah. But my favorite was
when Caitlin and he had that kiss, they, of
course, cut to Hannah B, who’s just like, yuck. They’re really,
really making that– Here’s the thing I have
to ask, because I’m just going to ask it right now. OK, go ahead. Caitlin, Hannah B, which
one do we think is right? First of all, it’s
the kiss of death to go early on in the date– And waste your date
talking about someone else. It’s always kiss of death. It never ends well. It never ends well. Don’t you wonder,
if I’m Hannah B– but don’t you think– you must have been a fan
of the show at some point. Everyone has watched the show. Every single person
has watched the show. I know it doesn’t normally
work, but this time it’s going to work. I think that she was trying
to get ahead of it, because I think that she thought Caitlin
would do the same thing to her, so she was trying to
beat her to the punch. He gives Caitlin the rose,
which was, to me, very much like, I believe you. Oh, for sure. Side note, I saw online
that Hannah G also was in the pageant
circuit, so that might be a seed for down the line. Comment below and let us know
if you’re team Caitlin or team Hannah B. Hanny! Somebody will read them. We’ll count the votes. We just confirmed, it turns out
that Hannah G and Hannah B have competed against each other. Not just the same
name, but they have competed against each other. I love our conspiracy
theory expert that we now have in the cubicle. I go deep on the dark web. You do love the Miss
America Pageant. Let’s move on to
the one-on-one date. I just want to bring up again
how– the first episode– you knew I was going
to bring it up. I know. By the way, here’s the thing. We were watching it
live, and the whole thing I kept thinking
about– and I didn’t want to say anything
while we were watching– was Tracy’s right. Yeah, he takes Elyse out
on the one-on-one date. As a reminder, Elyse
is a beautiful redhead. And 31. 31 years old– she’s
in the cougar club. She’s someone, who just being
in the helicopter, seemed like if that was
the date with him– Which often it is, by the way. She’s real. But that’s all it was. There was a moment in
the helicopter where she turned and looked at him,
and the way she looked at him, my heart was happy. She’s real and endearing. She was so– just
genuinely likes him. I think she goes far. I don’t think she
wins, but I think she goes farther than [INAUDIBLE]. They definitely connected on
another level on this date. She’s a hometown date
kind of of contestant. Totally. And she’s sweet. Oh my god, you guys, and
the story about her sister. I know. I know. I literally– the whole
time she was talking, I was just like, no,
don’t let this end how I think it’s going to end. I know. So, basically, she tells
this story– just to recap. You watched it, but
just as a recap– she tells this story about
her sister who got pregnant, and then during the
pregnancy got this tumor. Oh my god. And then they just only
cared about the baby, and then the baby
was born healthy, and then she passed away. Literally, just talking
about it right now. It’s really upsetting. It’s unbelievable. But she spoke about it
in a really articulate, consoled way. And you could tell Colton
was really impacted by it. He obviously gives her the rose. How could you not? They kiss, and then– you saw her a few
seasons before– who did they get? Tenille Arts. How do they find
these talented people? As soon as Tenille Arts showed
up, I thought about you. They’re sitting there at the
table, and I was like, wait, there’s no performance? By the way, I totally
Shazamed that song and have it on my phone. It was a good song. It was a really good song. All right, so then we go
to the second group date, and this was a workout. Oh, the first thing you saw
was him whipping the ropes and shirtless. And also with one arm. He was like, (GRUNTS)– and it
was really hot with his body. I mean, I didn’t hate it. No, it was actually– That was hot Colton. It was enjoyable. Oh, and we have a little
cameo from Terry Crews. Oh, and his wife. How sweet are they? They are ripped. They tell them they’re going to
compete in Bachelor’s strongest woman. Which, to me, sounds like the
most awful group date ever. And by the way,
it looked like it. They did the
hundred-pound cake push. They did the ring toss,
and then the limo pull. Not happening, no. I think that the limo is already
kind of rolling, and then they just– No. There’s a dude sitting
in it on the gas. There’s just no way. Put it in drive. So then the final three
are Catherine, Sydney– who, Sydney, we had on the
show, was in good shape– the fitness instructor–
and then Onyeka. So anyway, when Onyeka
ends up winning, I like how she’s explaining
it, and she’s like, and then I realized that
I was way ahead of them. And then she puts the
medicine ball in the thing, and she wins. Great. By a mile. Oh, she killed it. Yeah, so she wins the
trophy, and all is well, and then they have
their cocktail party. But something that happened
at the cocktail party that was V surprising– so poor Caitlin from Toronto. She’s a perfect example of
someone who just was like, there’s no depth to me,
because nothing bad’s ever happened to me. It’s like, that’s
not what depth is. There’s not anything
I’m willing to share, and my future with you
consists of fun nights out with my girlfriends. Oh my god, I know. As soon as she opened her mouth
with that garbage, I was like– Someone needed to
take the joust, and just get her on out of here. When he tried to walk her out,
she’s like, don’t touch me. Don’t hold my hand. She was mad. But honestly, I liked
that about Colton. I liked that he
was just like, you know what, this is
clearly not here. I’m not going to pretend. I wonder if they give him
a couple of those– you can boot people whenever you want. So anyway, the group date rose
goes to Nicole– your girl. So then, obviously, there’s
this really dramatic moment where Chris Harrison
walks in, and he’s like, there’s not going to be a
cocktail party, because instead there’s a pool party. And Colton won’t
have his shirt on. Yeah, exactly, but that’s when
the bulk of the Caitlin/Hannah B drama happens. I think inevitably
neither are going to go all the way
because of this. So then we go to
the rose ceremony. Cross them out. So we have to say goodbye to– Caitlin [INAUDIBLE]. Sorry about that. Yep. OK. Then we have Bri. Oh, she was Australian. That really never played out. Did that ever play out? No. On the live show, but no. I was like, why didn’t they– Nina, who was more
like Never Saw Ya. And Catherine, which she had
her moment in episode one, and then really not again. What did he say? He mentioned the
dog on the way out. Have fun with– Lucy or whatever it was. So they go to Singapore. We get a little
tease that there’s going to be a one-on-one
with Caitlin, it seems like. And then more drama, more tears. I like it. I love it, obviously. That’s why we do this every day. A big thanks to
y’all for watching. And tune in next
week for a recap. And comment below, because
at some point, one day soon, we’re going to read
them and answer them. Does anybody read them? Do y’all read them? How are they? We read them. Oh, we actually read them. They’re good? Yeah, they’re good. They really like us?

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