The Kapil Sharma Show Season 2 – Ep 100 – Full Episode – 21st December, 2019


Hello and welcome
to the Kapil Sharma show. Today, this show has completed 100 episodes. Whoa! It’s not over yet.
This is the 100th episode. That’s right. The 100th episode is going on. So, congratulations to you all. Akshay, are you going to
host the show today? I’ve learnt from you.
– What? How to snatch
other people’s jobs. Someone else used to sit
on that chair before. How you snatched the seat..
By God! There you go again! One ought to learn that skill
from you. Anyway, on this show.. I would like to tell you that I have been the
most frequent visitor so I deserve this.
– You do. I can replace Kapil
whenever I want. Whoa! By the way.. Where is Mr. Sharma? Mr. Sharma.. Oh! There he comes.. Whoa! Wow! Hello, sir. How are you, Mr. Sharma? A huge round of applause
for Mr. Akshay Kumar! Whoa! Kapil..
– Okay. Kapil..
– Thank you. Kapil.. Mr. Sharma..
Like you all know Mr. Sharma has had a daughter. Congratulations! Thank you. Many congratulations. Thank you, sir. First, he would stay up
all night for no reason. Now, at least
he’ll have diapers to change. First of all, I’d like
to congratulate Kapil for his 100 crore..
No, not 100 crore. On the completion of
100 episodes. Thank you. – You love
checking people’s bank accounts don’t you? Today, I’ve done my research
on your income. Tell us too.
– Where are your people? Those who hide.. Wait a minute, I’ll get them. I’m just..
I’m not scared. Oh, dear! Hey..
– Attitude! These are the guests. Where are they? Should I look around?
– Come on, get up. Come with me. I’m coming.. Get up..
– I haven’t done anything. Come on.
– Sir, I’m a lady. Yes, I know that.
‘Lady’! What have I done? Come on! Hurry up! Let’s go.. He hit me on my back.
– Stand in the queue quietly. Stand in a straight line!
– Yes. Over here.. Sir..
– That side. Stand quietly. Let me introduce them to you. Yes. These are the people..
– Yes? Who swindle Sony TV
in broad daylight. These are the people who swindle
Sony TV. everyone, look at these faces
carefully. Is this a show or a gang
of conmen? Conmen! Look, there’s the Bandit Queen sitting right there. Very nice. Mr. Baccha Yadav, come here.
– Yes.. How are you?
– Greetings. – Greetings.. I think you should
start working on your weight. I swear, half of his body
is shown in Sony and the rest half
is shown in SET Max. He can’t be shown
in a single channel. He says that he brings
treasure of jokes, right? Look..
Look at your treasure first. Look at yourself. Look at his treasure. Ms. Bharti, come here. Come..
– Ms. Kammo. Come on. Kapil, she’s your Kammo
from Delhi, right? – Yes.. Ms. Kammo. – There’s a nest
on her head. God knows what will happen
if any bird lays eggs here. Oh, Ms. Sapna. She’s the first assembled woman
in this world. And what’s that you keep
saying all the time? It’s his famous dialogue,
one crore.. – Yes.. Give one crore.. How much more do you want? You’ve swallowed
the entire channel. And your boyfriend, Mukesh..
– Mukesh. Yes The one who gives bath
to the pigs. Pigs. If he beats you up someday a Jinn will come out of you. By the way, she’s very fond
of giving massage, right? I’ve brought a massage
for her today. The massage for her
is called Nephew.
The Nephew Massage. As me. Ask me, why it is called so.
– Nephew Massage? What’s there in it? In this massage,
there’s an uncle who works very hard and becomes famous
in the film industry. After that, a lazy nephew comes who uses his uncle’s name and robs people’s money. He’s that. Mr. Sharma.
– Yes, sir. Children want to ask you
a question. That is.. What are your desires which you fulfill by turning
the boys into girls? What’s there in your mind? What’s there in your mind.. But.. Sumona.
I respect her. Really. I swear, she plays different
characters every day but she couldn’t become
a comedian till date. She couldn’t become a comedian. She’s the Chunky Pandey
among girls. Oh, my God..
– Dear.. I request you,
please make people laugh. I’ve come here
for around 20 times please make me laugh.
– Oh, my God! What.. I swear, the old notes
have been banned but her lips are still on. Oh.. Oh, God! Okay, there will be
a happy occasion she’ll make us laugh. Mr. Chandan. Chandan.
– Please come here.. Go, sir.
– Sir.. – Please come.. Tell me one thing. You..
Where are you going? Tell me one thing. You’ve been
on the stage from so many years. Why don’t you still make eye
contact with the celebrities? Why do you look down? When will you gain confidence? You’ve worked in 100 episodes
and changed channels twice. I think you should just
change your face. Maybe that’ll fix the issue. Oh.. He’s the first tea vendor
who can’t achieve anything. He can’t achieve anything.
– Good one! By the way, you’re Kapil’s
friend, right? – Yes, sir. That’s what they say.
– What? Even that guitarist
is your friend, right, Kapil? Yes..
– What’s your name? Dinesh.
– Dinesh? Do one thing. Play a guitar solo. Guitar solo..
Hey. No one will play any instrument
in the background. Play solo. He’s holding a bass guitar
today.. – No.. Play solo. Yes. No..
Play some nice tune. Take the other one,
not the bass guitar. I am telling you the truth..
It’s friendship. Poor guy doesn’t know
how to play guitar. I think you should
take those strings and tie it up on the terrace so that you can dry
your underwear on them. Dinesh. This entire show
runs on friendship. Here’s a friend,
there’s a friend and the a guitarist friend.. What’s this?
What’s going on? Kapil.. I work in four films in a year. And that bothers them a lot as to why I do that. He himself works in eight shows
every month. That’s right.
– Why are you hiding? How much money do you guys
want to earn? Tell..
Hey, you tell me. How much money do you get
for the show? – Oh.. How much money do you get
for the show? Chandu, tell him it’s a lot.
– Just a minute. Where’s my man? Who?
– Just a minute. I’ll tell you. He has brought the list.
– No, it’s not a list. He doesn’t know that I took
the contract paper that he signed today itself.
Look here. This is yours, right?
Is it your signature? It’s your signature, right? Viewers, let me tell you that they all have exploited
Sony TV together. I mean, they’ve exploited them
so much that they do not have anything
else to show except ‘Sooryavansham’. Wonderful, sir! Except.. Anyways.
That’s fine. Here’s your contract paper. The way you people make
the whole country laugh just keep it up. Thank you, sir. – I suggest,
exploit all the channels not just Sony TV.
– Yes. And if that doesn’t get enough,
then exploit the news channels. If you are still not satisfied
with that host a show in ‘Animal Planet’
as well. If you’re not satisfied
with that go to a zoo. Like the way the guests
steal dates in the weddings.. Loot as much as you can. How much will you loot? Come here..
– He’s embarrassed, today. He has been exposed.
– How much will you loot? He has a problem with me. Every time, I come to his show,
he asks me how much I earn. He asks me what I do
and how much I earn. Anyway.. That they deserve it. They deserve what they earn because they give happiness. They give happiness. – Thank
you, sir. I love you, sir. A lot of..
– Thank you so much. I mean.. The thing that
matters most to me he makes my mother happy. My mother watches his show
and she laughs. That’s very important to me.
Okay.. So.. Are you going to go or do you
want to get more humiliated? Leave.. You’re embarrassing me.
– Thank you very much. Go hide.
Run away. Yo! Sir, what did you eat today?
– What do you mean? I have never spoken so much
in one stretch. I ate whatever you had. Sir, you’re amazing.
I love you. Thank you. No matter what you say,
have you seen my commitment? I had tweeted to you,
I will give good news to you before you do the same to me.
– Yes. I have been very committed.
– I agree. Thank you, sir..
– I agree. I mean.. You did a great job.
– What.. You have done
a miraculous job. Ginni did it..
– His wife deserves the credit. Hold on. Mom!
Why are you here instead of being with your
daughter-in-law, at home? Ma’am, please take a mic. My mother said.. I am very happy because I have a beautiful
and lovely granddaughter. I know..
– But, they don’t let me in. I am overjoyed.
– Have you named her? We’ll do it today.
– What’re you going to name her? Have you thought of a name?
– Why don’t you suggest one? Let’s name her as Akshay Kumar. Thank you, Mom.
I love you. Please give a huge round
of applause for Akshay Kumar. Friends, it’s time to invite
the other superstar who have starred in the movie
‘Good Newwz’. With a huge round of applause,
I would like to call over the very beautiful,
the very charming supremely talented superstar,
Kareena Kapoor Khan! Wow! Thank you. A warm welcome to you.
– I.. I am so overjoyed to see you. Kareena has come to our show
for the second time. She was here many years ago.
– Yes. She didn’t return after that
and we left that channel. You’re here today.. You didn’t invite me again,
so the show got cancelled. The show got cancelled because
you didn’t invite her again. I was.. It isn’t true that this platform is only
for promoting movies. It’s not true at all.
Whenever you feel like.. I will come over
whenever you invite me. Just give me your number.. – Why
do I need to promote a film? I will stand outside your house,
every day. I will surely do that. She is Kareena
but she is miraculous. Yes. – She is very fit
and very beautiful. She glows. Sometimes, I see a golden ring
around you. Oh, good God!
– Really? You’re an epitome of beauty. You’re glowing today.
– Really? Do you know why?
– Why is that? Why? Because you have small, lovely
and beautiful.. You have a lovely, gorgeous
daughter in your life. Thank you, Kareena. You have been blessed
with a daughter. Yes, Kareena.
Thank you so much. Kareena,
please tell me the truth. Please don’t say you practice
yoga, drink a lot of water and juices.
Everyone drinks water but it doesn’t make
a huge difference. Just tell me the truth what’s the secret
behind your beauty? Ask everyone backstage
about what I was doing. What were you doing?
– I was eating banana chips. Ah, banana chips. I love spicy banana chips.
I think that’s the secret
behind my glow. I eat a lot. We eat a lot but
we don’t see the same results. A warm welcome to you!
– Thank you. – Please be seated. Thank you. Kareena,
we’re a facing a recession when it comes to glamour. Do you mean, in your show?
– Yes. Why?
– Calm down. Ms. Archana is here.
– She is.. Very good! Listen to her
and just accept, I am nice. I was talking about youngsters. I would like to say something. When Kareena had come
to my show, previously we had completed 100 episodes. You had come
along with Ajay Devgn. – Wow! For promoting the movie ‘Singham
Returns’.. – ‘Singham Returns’.. We had completed 100 episodes
back then and it is the same, today.
Wow, what a coincidence. So, Kareena, until a show
completes 100 episodes you don’t believe
it’s a good show and you don’t attend it. I like excellence so.. She doesn’t work
with new directors as well. What rubbish! She doesn’t work with directors unless they have
made 100 crores. You’re right. I am used to working
with Akshay Kumar. You know Akshay’s films.. His movies make 300 crores..
– You are aware of it. When you married Mr. Saif did you marry him
after he made 100 movies or did you accept his proposal
before that? He will be completing
100 films now. He hasn’t completed 100 films? No.. Please.. You are class-apart.
– No.. I was eavesdropping when you were talking
about the bank balance. We shall discuss about it.
– All right, do it right now. I shall bring it up, gradually.
– Do it, right now. I will do it when Kapil
and you are talking. Let the show move forward.. Kareena had a baby,
three years ago. She has a lovely boy, Taimur.
Everyone knows about it when Taimur was born. You have come here again
with good news. – Yes. Why do you have
to give good news in the month of December only? Well, I think December
is a very festive month. I think, we should celebrate it.
– I agree. It’s celebratory..
– Yes.. It is your hundredth episode,
today. – Yes.. It’s December..
– I got married in December. You see!
– Yes. December is great. When people get married
in June and July.. – So? That’s a bad idea. I got married in June. Did you get married in June?
Obviously, that was a bad idea. I will hit you. Oh.. Everyone has seen the poster of ‘Good Newwz’.
– Of course. Akshay is carrying
a prescription in the poster which says,
‘Listen to your wife’. Sir, was it a part of the script
or was it your personal note? Every man has such a note.
– Yes. I am sure you have it as well.
– What does it say? Oh!
– Deny it. I won’t. Sir, do you always
listen to your wife? – Yews. If she forbids you
from working in a film will you not do it?
– I can’t do it. I can’t do it. Akshay Kumar said it
so innocently that he cannot go against
his wife’s will. I really can’t do it.
– Very good. That’s great. Is it wrong to listen
to one’s wife? No, it’s not.
– Very good! Is it bad?
– No. Absolutely. A huge round of
applause for Akshay and Kareena. We will chat a lot with them,
but before that we will call the other special guests today so in between your huge applause
I would like to call Diljit Dosanjh and
very beautiful.. And very beautiful and very
talented Kiara Advani. Kiara and Diljit, welcome to
the show. Huge round of applause. Kiara.. I love you Akshay.
– Thank you. For this. The heroine.. I love you, sir. He started. Tell me why..
Tell me, go on. As you both men are sitting that
side and the girls are here. You are making me
say this directly. Kiara, you are looking
very pretty. Thank you, sir. You will be happy
with that much? Both the girls are sitting that
side so you are happy. It is like that for me.
I am not Akshay Kumar. That’s what I am saying,
you are happy with this much? That’s it! Enough! If by mistake they touch you,
I wonder what’ll happen to you. Oh! Oh, God! I suggest.. You both come here. Kapil, you spoilt your own..
– I can’t bear his happiness. 145 films. There must be
at least 145 heroines. Some films must have
had two heroines. You must have worked with
at least 200-300 heroines. The heroines have come for
two hours for this poor man.. Do you like this? I get inner happiness. Kiara, consider me sitting there
with you. You come here. You please.. – You.. Kareena.. Kareena, this is our last film. Now you do films with Kapil. See, Akshay, 100 percent.
Side deal. We can also do it.
– Yes. It doesn’t take time.
I can’t do it. No, Akshay, I.. You sit.. – You sit there. Kareena, I don’t have
the confidence. – Why? It will take another
four to five years more. No.
– Why do you fear Akshay? I have only seen you in movies,
and now seeing you directly like this, I may get pneumonia. It happens. I would like to say something
about you, Diljit. – Sure. Wow! Amazing! – All fine. All fine. I mean, my brother, on one
side Kareena and on the other side Kiara. You are normally so shy.
– Yes. And seeing so much
beauty nearby.. Don’t you get stuck while saying
the dialogues? No, I don’t get stuck. Tell me seriously, when I saw Kareena Kapoor
for the first time I said..
“Oh, gosh! Kareena Kapoor!” What did you say? In the beginning, getting up
so early in the morning and shooting, like Akshay
gets up very early. I would find it a bit difficult
to get up in the morning. I see.. – When I was at the
shoot of ‘Udta Punjab’.. I remember I got up from the bed
and said.. “Get up, you have to work
with Kareena.” I can’t forget that moment. I was very happy at that moment.
– Wow! And it was a very big thing
to work with her. No, no.. Please. Kiara, congratulations to you. For your performance
in ‘Kabir Singh’. – Thank you. The film was a super duper hit.
– Thank you. Have you noticed one thing? Kiara was pregnant in that film.
In ‘Kabir Singh’. And she is pregnant
in this film too. Is your writer a gynaecologist? Is he? – Good one. Akshay,
this is Archana’s question. Yes, go ahead and use my name. Whatever it is.. No, today Archana
will ask herself. Yes, ask. Go ahead. Very good.
I don’t know myself.. I know, you don’t know
the question. All his life he has used others
to his advantage. There are normally
14-15 questions she doesn’t remember them.
– I see. Okay, which one is it?
– Consider the age factor too. Her question was that in the
film, the babies get exchanged.. But all your cheques have come
to your own account? I hope your cheque has not gone
to Diljit’s account and he left the shooting thinking the money
is already come. I hope nothing like that
happened.. That’s the question. Kapil, that is not possible in
this film. – Why? Producer.. – Because everyone
got their cheques. I am the producer so mine
came last. My cheque has not yet come. All of them have earned.
I’ve not earned a single penny. You have to earn all together.
Suitcases full. Yes, he will take it all. Meaning, you can’t tolerate. After me..
– Oh, God! After me, if anyone has eyes on
Akshay’s finances that is Kareena. I saw in one interview that day. Someone asked Kareena,
that you.. They asked some question
and Kareena said.. That I wish, I could take
as much money as him. So Akshay, look..
There is nothing bad in that. It’s not bad.. But what is it.. I mean, they are two sisters
at home both are in the industry.. Let me tell you, in Bandra
this lady has an apartment in every building. He is talking nonsense. Don’t you get rent from
all the buildings? All the apartments are
Kapil’s. I don’t believe that.
He has in Lokhandwala. In the trailer.. – Archana has
in Madh Island. She bought one bungalow
and she got the neighbouring ones emptied
by threatening them. I have seen four or five
of hers. She tells them there
is a ghost here and she dresses as a ghost
and roams there. Now you are eyeing
my bungalow, is it? When the trailer of the film
was launched Mr. Karan Johar was saying
that Diljit is my partner in retail crime.
– How? I understand partner in crime.
What is retail crime? Diljit, will you explain what
retail crime means? I didn’t understand one bit of
what he said that day. So you gave your reaction
like that only? Thank you.. What to do? Such a huge
personality is saying something.. Diljit, as you said, you had a
problem in getting up so early in the morning. What problems did you
three have.. Did he give you any greed to
call you on the set early.. In this film, we would be free
by 12 to 1 o’clock. We would be free before lunch
and we would come at 9am. The shift must be starting
at night, isn’t it? No.. – Not at midnight..
– I mean early morning. Listen, it is for you. I am telling the truth. Start at 7 a.m. and it will get
over by noon. We were free by noon and
then full day free. It’s true,
if you work with Akshay.. Now you have a child too.
Now you need time. Include me in your film,
I’ll also get up early. You will be spoilt,
it really happens like that. Come over. So many people tell me,
Akshay and you make a good pair. I say, come,
what is there in that? One of my writers has
written the script of ‘Main Khiladi Tu Anari-2’ Come over. – We will narrate
it to you in 15 minutes. Did you cut Saif’s role? What? – Oh! You cut off Saif?
– ‘Main Khiladi Tu Anari’ Mr. Kapil! I apologise from the depth
of my heart. What does that mean?
– Sit with him. I heard this from somewhere. Someone had to give Akshay
a narration for some film. He said, come sit with me,
I’m going to Pune sit with me in the car. Everyone has their own sense. He realised in five minutes
that it is not interesting. That man sat in Juhu
from his house. And in five minutes he realised
that the story is not good. But deliberately he dropped
him on the Pune highway. Really? Really? He said, you have told me such
a bad story and now you look for a bus
to go back. But I like that, Akshay. Okay, so in the trailer
of ‘Good News’ you all might have seen that the babies got swapped but you can make out
from their features whose kids they are. Sir, today we have some parents who have come with their kids. But we won’t tell you which kid belongs
to which parent. – Oh! All right?
– Nice. Let’s call them on stage. You have to identify
from their features who is whose kid. Please come.
– What will I get in return? Take the kids home. Fine. Please come. First, only the kids will
come and the parents.. Wait a minute.
Why are you so happy? Fine, we’re 100 episodes old.. But.. Come on, kids.
– Kids, come to the stage. Parents will come later and you can’t talk to your kids No one should find out. Hello, my dear. How are you? How are you? Oh, wow! Stylish kids. Hello..
Please come. Hey, sweetheart.
God bless you, come. Please come.
Both moms and dad may come. Hello, parents. How are you? So, sir. The parents are not
standing opposite their respective kids. We have some moms and some dads and parents have one kid while some have two. So, you have to identify. Mr. Diljit, have you understood
the game? Yes, I have.
– All right. Come up, one by one. Number seven is.. Number seven..
Number nine’s daughter. According to me.
– Number nine.. Am I right?
– Right. Wow! Wow! Well done, sir. Now, let’s call number eight. Number eight is..
– Number 10? Number four? Number four. Wow!
– Number four? Well done!
– Okay. Next?
– Number one. Please come, number one. Number five. Number three? Number 10 at the back? Not like that.. You have to guess.
We can’t keep calling out.. Number five.
– If you say all the numbers you’ll eventually get
the right one. Wait a minute. Let’s discuss
and call out one number. Yes, take a unanimous decision. Number one. You can’t ask the child. Akshay, you’re cheating. Number five.
– Number one? I think it’s number one. Number one! Number one?
I don’t think so. Is it five? No, not now..
We can’t.. One more guess.. No, we lost this one. Number eight.. You come over here.
– Go there. The unidentified ones
are all mine. Come here, my dear.
– Number eight.. Don’t worry, he won’t bite. Number three.
– Come here. Number five. Look at his chin. Could it be three? I’m not your dad anyway,
look over there. It’s either five or 10. Who’s number 10?
– Whose kid are you? Okay, I think number 10. Call it out. Number three is
number ten’s kid. No.
– Wrong. Is it? Fine, go there.. Come here.. Number four. Number four.. Number two.
– Number four. Let me see. Number two. Number two. Number two. I think it’s number eight. You may give your
individual opinions. If you feel it’s him..
– Okay. I think it’s number eight and they’re saying number two. No.. Which one is right? I say number seven. Okay, seven eight and two. So..
– Which one is right? Is it seven?
– Seven? No..
– Seven! Wow! Kiara I’m so happy for you. Number nine!
– You did it, finally. I think I’ll get an award now.
– I’m so happy for you! Number nine. Number nine! Number nine is number one’s kid. That’s my lucky number. He’s leaning over to look. So sweet! She’s so happy
to have her son back. Number two. Just a minute. Cheating! Number two is number two’s kid. No, it’s number three. Number two is..
One second! You won’t nod to confirm. Number three looks very happy. There’s a huge prize..
– Number two is number five. No.
– No. No?
– No. Okay, we give up. You can come here too, dear. Number.. What’s that?
Six or nine? Come here. You’re wearing it
upside down. Number six, let me see
your eyes. Number nine.. Number two. What say, friends? Number three. I think, number 10.
– Even I think, number 10. Number 10. Number 10?
– No! No, move on. Number nine.
– Three? It’s done now.
– Number three? Come, Number 10. Come forward, dear.
– There are four kids who haven’t been identified yet and four of them
have been identified. These people are doing so poorly
in the test! Number three. Number three..
– Number three.. Come. Number five!
– I’m so proud of you, Kiara! Number five! Number two.
– Yes. Number two.
Number two? I finally got one.
Number two.. Kids, have you come
with your parents or alone?
– Our parents are here. They have, right? Thank you so much.
Please.. Come, sir. Come on, sir. Sit down. Thank you, guys.. Hello, dear! Oh, my God!
I’m so proud of my nephew! He’s completed 100 episodes! Where’s my little boy?
Come here. Why have you come here! Why is she here? You always turn up
when guests are here. Come on, give me some applause! My boy has completed
100 episodes! Oh! There’s a party
going on here! Hey, Kareena, Kiara, Akshay! My dear lad, Diljit! Let’s have some applause
for them, come on! How wonderful! Just a minute.
I want to ask Diljit something. Did you find her?
– Whom? The girl you sang praises of
in ‘Ikk Kudi’. The one you were searching for. Tell me, I’ll drag her here
by her hair. If you laugh that loudly the crow in your throat
will fall out. Diljit, how are you, my boy? My sweetheart, Diljit.
My baby! The boy is like a selfie stick. If you stare at him
for two minutes a put will come out
on your face. What are you doing?
– What am I doing? It’s your 100th episode. Will you only serve fruit
to your guests. What do you want me to serve? Now that I’m here I’ll fix you a ‘Matar Paneer’
in 15 minutes. Oh, my God!
– Wait a minute. Come on, girls.
Peel the peas quickly. Don’t be shy, carry on! Diljit, dear.
Take Rs. 20. Go and buy cottage cheese
from the market. Quickly. – Okay. Hurry up. Bring cottage cheese. He is such a big star.
You are asking him to bring cottage cheese
worth Rs. 20. So what should I ask him
to bring? Kylie Jenner? Kylie Jenner. Tell me something.
You leave many comments under Kylie Jenner’s post. Kareena,
he is so crazy about her that his face turns red when she uses a face pack. Don’t trouble him.
He is a decent man. Don’t behave like this.
– He is behaving decently here. He looks innocent
but actually he is very cunning. He likes girls very much.
He would ride ladies cycle. But yes. Its bell used to sound
like those in men’s cycle. Aunt. What are you saying? What will Mr. Akshay think?
– Shall I tell you something? What I said about men’s cycle
bell was meant for Mr. Akshay. Really? – But I didn’t say
out of fear. But I won’t talk to Akshay.
– Why? Leave it. What is the use of telling you? Why don’t you want
to talk to him? – What.. Why? He is so loving.
– No.. He doesn’t love me at all. None of his song
mentions my name. There is a song on Kiara,
Kareena. ‘K’.. Does it mean
that ‘K’ in Kammo is silent? Nobody used my name in a song.
– Aunt, you are comparing yourself with Kiara and Kareena?
– Wait a minute! And you are Kammo.. I am no less.
Go to Karol Bagh and ask anyone who I am. Kammo. I have become famous
like Kareena. But your uncle is
nowhere close to Saif. That’s what. If your uncle had followed
Saif’s footsteps Taimur would’ve
been your cousin. By the way, Kareena..
You didn’t bring him here. Taimur? – No..
I’m asking about Saif. You mean to say
that Saif is short. He used to play on my lap
when he was young. Oh, God! – That’s why I
mentioned him as such. How should I tell you? Ms. Sharmila
would leave him with me. She would ask me
to look after him when she used to go for the
shoot. I’m a kind-hearted lady. I would play with him.. That’s why he says ‘Wow’ because
I used to pacify him like this. He was so cute. I used to enjoy a lot. He was so cute but.. You see.. You must be aware.
You need to whistle to make babies
relieve themselves. But since Saif belongs
to the family of Nawabs he wouldn’t relieve himself
unless you blow bugle. Now just imagine
what would happen when we used to play drums? What, Kappu?
– Yes. Why are you looking
at me like this? Should I tell you something,
Kareena? When the movie ‘Kabhi Khushi
Kabhie Gham’ was released.. Akshay, you won’t believe it.
My life had become miserable. It was so difficult for me
to go out of the house. Boys used to look at me.
They were crazy about me. And for those
who would ignore me I used to say like Kareena.. ‘Who is he
who didn’t look at me?’ ‘Who is he?’ In my absence,
they would keep repeating ‘Po’.. ‘Po’.. People wouldn’t say that.
It was you. So what? ‘Po’.. All beautiful girls
have gastric problem. What else?
I have seen the trailer. You have this problem, right? Oh, God! – Yours is still okay.
When I would do it I used to move
a few steps ahead. But it’s okay, dear. I have.. Here.
Take this ‘Churan’. Thank you. I need this.
– Take this with hot water on empty stomach.
Your problem will be solved. And if it didn’t..
It’s winter season. You can keep your comforters
warm. Heater! Their ‘Good Newwz’
is going to be released. Your news will
be published in the newspaper. It’ll state,
‘At Akshay’s behest’ ‘Kiara and Kareena
manhandled a woman.’ It is impossible. It’s your 100th episode
and you’ve forgotten your aunt. Call the media.
Let me make a controversy. That I was beaten up
by these two girls. But no one beat you up. No.. But I must be prepared. I can’t be spontaneous. But shall I say something,
Kareena? Oh, God! She is so beautiful. Your hair are very silky.
– Yes. Touch my hair. Do you think
they are rough? Oh, God! Click a photo.. Click a photo! Now I will get a news published.
On the 100th episode Kareena Kapoor pulled
my hair during the show. No.. I was kidding.
How can anyone do that? My dear. Give me a hug. Wait. The other day, you hit me and there is swelling
in my neck. Check. Let me check.
– Click a photo.. I will get this
news published as well. Very good..
– In the 100th episode Kapil Sharma tried
to strangle me to get rid of me. Aunt, you should leave.
Why are you troubling us? I won’t leave.
It’s the 100the episode. How can I leave unless my dear Diljit
sings a song for me and Akshay performs for my sake? I won’t leave otherwise. Come on, dear.
Sing a song. Not like this. Akshay, dear. Come.
It’s the 100th episode. ‘Good Newwz’ is being released.
– Oh, God! – Come. Right? Okay, I’ll leave now. ‘Good Newwz’. Okay, dear.
Bye! Bye, dear..
Bye.. Okay, bye.. Okay! Kareena, your grandfather,
the legendry Mr. Raj Kapoor.. We have heard that in a room..
He was fond of eating mangoes. So the room in which
mangoes were stored he wouldn’t allow
anyone to go in. You are his granddaughter.
Have you ever eaten his mangoes? We used to try to steal
the mangoes but we could never get it. Because he used to keep them
so secure by saving it
and locking it in a cupboard. He would keep the keys
with himself. – Is it? But he used to always
give Karishma. Because Karishma
was his favourite grandchild. So, whenever Karishma
used to ask him for mangoes he would never say no to her. And I used to try
to take one. I would sit behind the swing
and try to eat. That’s why Karishma’s nick name
is Lolo. Diljit, last time you named
some of the movies in English. Yes.
– And the demand for it in public has risen up. So this time they have said that there are few vegetables which you have to name
in English. Oh, wow. – I am taking
the name of those vegetables. Yes! ‘Karela’? What do you call ‘Karela’
in English? You write it as ‘Karela’ only. No. Kerala? That’s Kerala. Oh, is it? Sir, what do you call
‘Karela’ in English? Tell us. I don’t know. Bitter Gourd. What did you say? Bitter..
– Gourd. Bitter curry. Bitter Gourd. Bitter Curry? Okay, in Diljit’s words it is called bitter curry. Sir, ‘Chiku’?
– Even if you ask him at the end of the episode
he wouldn’t remember. Mr. Diljit, ‘Chiku’? Isn’t it already called ‘Chiku’
in English? Even I don’t know. ‘Chiku’ is ‘Chiku’. You tell me now if you don’t know the name
of the fruit it’s okay. Leave ‘Chiku’ it’s anyway
expensive. Yes. Come on. Next. ‘Aadu?’ What is that? Sweet Potato.
– Don’t you really know it? She does not even
know it in Hindi how would we know
what is it called in English. What is ‘Aadu’? Peach.
– Peach is not ‘Aadu’. ‘Aadu’ is not peach. Listen, you illiterate guy it’s peach. Peach. Okay, last, ‘Lauki’.
– Bottle Gourd! ‘Bottle doll’. What?
– Bottle Doll.’ ‘Bottle Doll.’
– Hey, it’s bottle gourd. ‘Bottle God’?
– Yes, gourd. When did these vegetables
turn into God? Gourd. Thank you for dropping me here. Take care of yourself. Hi, everyone. Hi. This is Kabir Singh. And nobody will look
at her. Because she is my girl. She is my girl! Hey! Move! What do you mean? I am a girl only on Saturday
and Sunday. Meet me on week days.
I look more of a boy than you. Talking rubbish. Superb. Why are you getting angry? Why? What wrong have I said? I just said that to take care
of yourself. because you already know.. Just because he watched
the movie ‘Kabir Singh’ he considers himself
‘Kabir Singh’ now. If you show off too much
I will beat you up. He is talking non sense. You don’t forget that I am not a rebel
without cause. What did you say? – I
am not a rebel without cause. You’re not a rebel
without cause. You’re never without cost. Understood? The beard you have on your face is not going to help at all. This is the style
of Kabir Singh. This bike and beard. Yes, that’s true. When ‘Kabir Singh’ fell
from the bike he kissed the actress. When he fell from
the bike people started beating him. Asking him that who’s bike
has he stolen? Get out of here! Moreover, he likes drinking
so much that yesterday when he couldn’t
find anything to drink he started drinking diesel. Talk to me respectfully. I am a surgeon. Hey, you vegetable chopping man how are you a surgeon? Hey, Preeti don’t you know that
I can do anything for you? If I become stubborn then I will end up
marrying you. I will marry you! Who will marry you? You don’t even know
where to put the ice. Get lost from here. I am going to watch
‘Good News’ now. Will you come along with me? I have been here that’s why
we could complete 100 episodes. Move away.
You get out. Okay, then I am leaving.
– Go away. Hi, how are you all? It was fab. Kappu, you know? I sent
messages to 15 people yesterday. What message was that? I sent a message
that brought good news here. It was good.
Please applaud for Mr. Akshay. Akshay, Welcome
to the show. – Thank you. I have told this
dialogue many times here. Mr. Siddu didn’t appear on
the show as much as Akshay did. Really.
Anyway, how are you all doing? I felt happy
seeing the promo. Isn’t he your
husband in the movie? Then you get a baby. So, it is
their baby. They get a baby. It is your baby.
There is a lot of confusion. So, overall,
it is the same as it is somebody’s chair and
someone else is getting paid. That’s her. Sapna, the confusion
in the movie is that they go to
the doctor for IVF and after that there
is a confusion wherein the kids get exchanged so, that’s what
the movie is about. Mr. Kappu Sharma.
– Yes. The enlightening talk
that you just delivered is that free or
do you charge for that? Why? – Because
I don’t have spare change. Did you understand? Ma’am, I repeated
your dialogue. How was it? It was good.
– It was good, isn’t it? Anyway,
I am huge fan of yours. I even brought
a ‘gifat’ for you. – ‘Gifat’? Like they give to others. This was the costliest
one I could get in Nala Sopara. What’s that?
– An onion! Wow. Onion? Two onions? We are poor people and that’s
the costliest I could get. That was a good one. Thanks.
– Nice. They are actually looking
beautiful. – Small onions The small onions. Yes, it is really
beautiful. – Very nice. Really looking pretty. I think
you should wear these. Wouldn’t that be good.
You want to add onion take it
from here and cut it. Kiara,
I had a question from you. When we go to
the theater to see the movie so shall we go in with
a ticket or a room freshener? I saw in the promo she has a gas problem,
that’s why I asked. It is shown since pregnant
women do get that problem. Do they have
gas problem if pregnant? – Yes. So, Mukesh also has gas
problem so what does that mean? Mukesh is pregnant. No.
That’s not possible. I knew that when he used to go
out in the night for a walk. I will take care of him. Anyway,
Mr. Diljit, how are you? – Good. I was talking a lot
about you at home yesterday. I have
two TVs at my house. I was seeing
two different movies. My husband asked me what I
was seeing? I said Diljit. Do you know how?
– How? Amir Khan’s movie
Dil was playing on one TV and Sunny Deol’s movie
Jeet was on the other. Dil-Jeet. We always
have a word play. You will be required
for two hours in Nala Sopara. What do you mean by that? What?
– Yes. Required. Needed there.
But why? I am buying a flat there. So, I needed
to get a good deal. Anyway, ma’am. You have come already.
Sir keeps coming here. I have a beauty parlour. We have many
types of massages. – Okay. So, we have
ki and ka massage for you. Ki and Ka? – Yes.
– What’s special about it? In this what we do is
that we lay down the customer and I apply oil to him
and let him sleep for an hour. Is it?
– Yes. He will get up after
an hour and call me. He will ask did
you do the massage? I will ask what? He will say ‘did you?’
and I say ‘What’. This goes on. Ki and Ka. Ugly massage
for the ugly movie. Ugly? – We have a special
massage for you because you will
come for that one too. Laxmi Bomb massage.
– What’s special about that? He has a movie
in line called ‘Laxmi Bomb’. He dons a great get-up
so clap for him right now. What we do in the
Laxmi Bomb massage is we make the customer
to lie on a string of bombs then we ask him
Goddess Laxmi.. give me a crore. If he gives me money,
then fine or else,
his box office will be a bang. Mr. Akshay,
there is a special massage. Sony TV massage. Okay.
– What’s that? What we do is..
there is a channel it makes a huge show many big stars come on
the show to promote their movies Okay?
The producer of the movie he has late night
shooting schedules and there is a hero he want early
morning shooting schedule So, what happens is that
the rest of the artist in movie they get pissed off So, what shall
we do with that? Apply it. He has a big shoe
and my face may get damaged. I will leave now.
Ma’am, big shots come here. You know Sajid Nadiadwala Even he comes here. The last time he
was here, he forgot his Nadiad. I am going
to return that. I am leaving. Bye. So, guys, you know what?
– Oh, wow! There are lots of rumours
about celebrities and stars. Wow! – I just wanted to confirm
if it is true or false. Okay.
Kareena, let’s start with you. There’s a rumour
in the market that Taimur is not just
a Nawab but he is a celebrity too. So, you have to take
an appointment from him if you have to take him out. How cute!
– Is it true? – From her child? Do I have to take
his appointment? – Yes. Because he’s so busy. Busy doing what? Interacting with the media,
you know? – What rubbish! Is this a rumour or not? This is rubbish.
– You people are rubbish. Good.
Yes, rubbish. Mr. Akshay,
there’s a rumour about you that if you want to meet
your friends you cast them in your movie because you face
a huge loss if you take leave
to go and meet them. So, you give them
a role in your movie and that is how
you meet them. I have also noticed this.
Your friends come on our show. Look, they are there.
– Look! They are there. Hello.
Welcome, sir. So, this is almost true.
Okay. Mr. Diljit, there is a rumour that Mr. Karan Johar likes
stylish shoes so much that you wore a shoes
costing Rs. 80,000 at the trailer launch
of the movie to impress him. I didn’t wear it
to impress him. But..
– But you wore it. Did your shoes cost
Rs. 80,000? – Rs.80,000? It’s true.
– Yes, it’s true. – Wow! So, half the rumour is true
and half of it is false. Okay. Retail crime. Kiara, I don’t believe
this rumour. The rumour is that you liked Kareena’s
Poo character so much that you farted
in one scene in the movie. That’s there in the trailer. Yes, it’s true.
We’ve seen it in the trailer. It was shown in the trailer.
– How dare you! How dare you!
– Okay. Mr. Diljit, the rumour is that you placed so many bets
with Akshay Kumar during the shooting
of the movie that you lost
the fees of your movie and you had to give him
Rs. 3500 extra. Yes, I have to give him
Rs. 4,000. Mr. Akshay, do you place
so many bets? You want money
from everywhere. Why?
What’s the problem in that? No, there’s no problem. You’re also not hosting
this show free of cost. No. I charge for hosting the show. But I don’t place bets
with her and take her money too.
– Sorry. Okay. Kiara, there’s a rumour
about you that your mom had
given you permission to have a boyfriend
after 10th standard. Is it true?
– Wow! My mom has given me permission
even after my marriage. She says..I mean..
– A little bit. Because I had a boyfriend
in 10th standard and my mom told me
that I should concentrate on my studies now
because I’m in 10th standard because my board exams
would start. She said that I can’t have a
boyfriend in the 10th standard. After the 10th standard,
you can do whatever you want. But she said that so that I concentrate more
on my studies. Did you concentrate?
– Yes. My boyfriend..
– No, on studies. Yes, I concentrated
only on my studies. Mr. Akshay,
there is one more rumour that your house
is on the first floor. Your office
is on the third floor and you have a personal bank
on the second floor. Wow! True. No, it’s true. Wow! Kareena, there is
a rumour about you that there’s gossip group
in the industry and you are the chairperson. That’s a big.. We would like to show you
a video clip. Please show the clip.
– Big rumour. ‘If you supposedly become
the Prime Minister..’ ‘Okay.’ ‘You have give the titles
to people from the industry’ ‘based on
their personalities.’ ‘You will have
to give jobs to everyone.’ ‘You can take Ms. Kajol’s help.
– Okay.’ ‘Gossip ministry.’ ‘Kareena Kapoor.’
– Why? Why? ‘Her house is the epicentre
of gossip. – Many things..’ ‘Really?’
– ‘She wakes up in the morning’ ‘and calls around 10 people
to ask for gossip.’ ‘Oh!’ ‘ – And
it goes to different people.’ ‘They get the gossip.’ ‘And she calls me
if she needs any confirmation’ ‘asking is this true.’ ‘If I have to say anything,
I say it.’ ‘Otherwise, we discuss it
over the phone.’ ‘So, we have
an organic process.’ Wow! What is Karan,
our producer, doing? Did you see that, Kareena? But he only said that he gives
the confirmation. Karan Johar
is the epicentre. No, but I agree with Karan. You agree with Karan
or you agree with me? Karan.
– What rubbish! I don’t know where
this has come from. This is wrong news. It has come
from the industry. This is wrong news. And how do people know
what I do after waking up
in the morning? That is what he said. We get the calls.
– That you message people. I don’t know what to say
what I do after waking up
in the morning. So, let it be. Oh, God!
Oh, ho! Yes! Yo, pal! Mr. Akshay, congratulations.
Congratulations, pal. Congratulations. Amazing.
– You also take this. It is empty.
– Take this. Congratulations. You also take this.
Congratulations. Take this.
What are you doing? Wait a moment.
– Greetings. This is empty. The confectioner
is sitting here and laughing. Who will prepare
the sweets? Just saying! No, I’m kidding. Mr. Diljit, greetings.
– Greetings. Ms. Kiara, greetings.
Mr. Akshay, greetings. Greetings. Ms. Kareena Kapoor,
long time no see. No ocean, no river,
no water, no lake, no pond. No sea.
– I said it casually. I am not joking.
I have brought sweets. It will be great fun. But this special ‘Laddu’..
Wait a moment. I have brought a special
‘Laddu’ for Ms. Kareena. You won’t have
this ‘Laddu’. Why?
– Wait. Look what I have brought
for her. Ms. Kareena will have
this special ‘Laddu’. Why are you pouring ink on it?
– Yuck! What is that? She is from the Nawab family.
She’ll have royal ‘Laddus’. Royal ‘Laddus’.
You know what I mean? I said it as a joke. But this was my cute joke because I was born
extra cute. It happens. You guys are watching me
closely. So, you may not
find me cute. Look at me
from a distance. I am as cute as Taimur.
I’m telling you. I am cute. Baccha, when her son
steps out people click his photos.
– Yes. And when you step out,
people take their kids inside saying that a truck
is approaching. Get lost! Correct.
I am a truck because he is the one
who checks my PUC. But shall I tell you the truth? I saw Taimur
in ‘Tashan’ yesterday. But Kareena was in ‘Tashan’. No, you are not
understanding. If a child whose parents are
Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor and whose
grandparents are Mr. Pataudi
and Ms. Sharmila Tagore won’t walk with attitude,
who else will? I’m sure your son, Taimur
has a nanny. Yes.
– I just want to tell you that you should never
ignore what she says. – Why? Because if you do that
she’ll go to Nainital. I know this joke
was very strange but it lightens up the mood. Akshay Kumar, I am such
a huge fan of yours.. Your upcoming movie
is ‘Good News’. – Yes. You won’t believe
while watching ‘Good News’ I will watch two of your movies. Which movies?
– Do you know how? How? – I’ll anyway watch
‘Good News’. Since, it’s about childbirth
so I’ll even watch ‘Baby’. ‘Baby’ is your movie. During the interval I’ll watch
another movie of yours. Which one? – ‘Toilet!’
Of course, I will go there. Good one..
– This was a good one. Give the entire team
of ‘Good News’ a huge round of applause. Also give our actors
a very big hand. Kareena, Kiara Diljit and Mr. Akshay thank you so much for coming. We wish you all the best
for ‘Good News’ and all your future projects.
Thank you so much. So guys, keep smiling
and keep laughing. Keep your surroundings clean and keep watching
The Kapil Sharma Show. And thank you so much
for your love. Good night. Take care.
Thank you.

About the author

Comments

  1. Not funny same old jokes siddhu and all.
    celebs are trying hard to laugh.
    Should do good comedy writing rather depending on celebs.

  2. Akshay Kumar is a spineless and cowered person he can't stand for truth. Bloody scared Punjabi. Have some guts people use to admire u

  3. Myyyy godddd the jokes are soooo poor in quality. On top of the that you have Akkkkshayyyy. Because of these people, indians don't develop in high quality entertainment.

  4. Archana ka gand kitana bara hai !!!!! mujhe to gand marne ke dil chahate hai, gand ko or chut ko archana ka sehlate huye mere laund uski gand ke under gusane ko dil chahata hau. kitna bara gand hay, archana meru land ko pakdo

  5. Pakistan and Indian govt. you conflict or silent no fact ,have to return my from terrorism group my case that submitted to emergency govt on 11,12 /06/2008.case 433 commercial and education minister .
    UN should divide India Muslim and Hindu ,Muslim living west side of India and hinds living east side of India.India another name is indo!India,Israeli,Burma ,Egypt and Bangladesh present illegal govt ,powerful political parties,opposite political parties and govt employee reward name is "thief of Gold and wife" .

    [email protected]

  6. Honestly I hate it every time akshay comes on this show.. he is the worst guest ever.. he has no respect for anyone.. he can't stand his own insult but doesn't spare any time to insult everybody else.. I hope he gets banned for life to come on this show

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