The Late NightCap: Don’t Forget That Rudy Giuliani Married His Second Cousin

♪♪ -Never before in my life
have I head someone, about any phone call, say,
“Perfect.” [ Laughter ]
I’ve never been like, “Nailed it!” That pizza’s gonna be here
exactly the way I asked for it. -I don’t want to [bleep],
like, a golden retriever. [ Laughter ]
It’s just like — -Yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife and I did some traveling and we took a vacation
to the Cuhrihbeun. -It’s actually pronounced
Cairibbein. -Oh, and I said?
-Cuhrihbeun. [ Laughter ]
-And that was? -Wrong. -Will you travel?
Will take advantage of our beautiful subway system
right here in New York City? -I mean, I’ll have a go. I just know the subway
from movies and it’s so cinematic
and I love it and I’m sitting — You know,
when I go on the subway, I’m the person who’s like, “We’re in the movie [ Laughter ]
of our lives in New York and this is amazing!” And there are like
beautiful rats. -We actually have
the only rats in the world that have middle fingers, which is amazing.
[ Laughter ] Hey, Wally, do you say
Cuhrihbeun or Cairibbein? -Well, I know there’s the movie
“Pirates of the Cairibbein,” -Mm-hmm.
-but, then, the sequel is called “Pirates of the Cuhrihbeun.” -Uh-huh.
[ Laughter ] And then, of course,
there’s the third one, “Purotz of the Carburetor.” [ Laughter ]
-You got a football scholarship to college.
-I knew, when the man was in my home,
recruiting me, that I was not cut out for this. I remember he said,
“You are 17 years old. You have an NFL body.” And I remember thinking
to myself, “I wish I could tell you that,
no more than 10 feet from where we’re sitting, I also have a blankie.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheering and applause ] -He can’t — You know,
there’s an expression: “He couldn’t carry
his [blank] strap.” I won’t say it
because they’ll say it was so terrible to say. But that guy couldn’t
carry his blank strap. -Of all the insane
stuff you’ve said, why would you think
the word jock strap [ Laughter ]
would suddenly be over the line? This morning, you called
the impeachment inquiry bull[bleep] on Twitter,
[ Laughter ] but jock strap is
beyond the pale? Or maybe —
maybe, probably possible — he just couldn’t remember
and he kept saying blank like he was a contestant
on “Password.” -The password is… jock. -That guy couldn’t carry
his blank strap. [ Laughter ] -Nancy Pelosi called
for, essentially, impeachment, “Let’s impeach the president,”
before she saw the transcript. So, when she saw that,
she was — she — I heard she went crazy! She said, “We can’t impeach him
of this conversation. That’s a great conversation.” -At this point,
he’s just writing fan fiction [ Laughter and applause ]
about Nancy Pelosi now. [as Trump] “Nancy Pelosi
walked into her office and she read the transcript
and said, ‘We can’t impeach him! We can’t impeach him
on this conversation. That’s a great conversation.’
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Piano plays tender tune ]
And then, she gazed out the window
and had the same thought that had nagged her for years. Why hadn’t she married someone
as handsome as Donald Trump? [ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah! [ Cheering, whistling,
and applause ] -Hey, Buck, do you say
Cuhrihbeun or Cairibbein? -You know, I always
forget how to say it and, then,
I have to sing the lyrics to “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys, [ Laughter ]
in order to remember. Just gimme a minute. ♪ Aru– ♪
-Hey, Buck. I don’t think the word
Cuhrihbeun is in that song. -I know. But it should be,
though, right? [ Laughter ] -I was asked,
“If you had to have sex with one breed of dog, -Yeah.
-what would it be?” And I was the one who asked myself that question.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
-The first breed that came to mind was a beagle.
-Okay. -And I don’t know —
Like, I think it’s their eyes. They have such like
kind, emotional eyes. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-‘Cause like if I’m gonna do it, I want it to mean something.
You know what I mean? -It’s interesting that you
think you’d be facing them. [ Laughter ]
-Yes, yes. I would not do it their style.
-Yeah. Hey, Baze, you’re our head
writer. Could you…? -[quickly] It’s Cairibbein. -Okay, yeah, but what if I were to —
-Cairibbein. It’s Cairibbein. -Okay, yeah, but, one time,
my grandmother told me that —
-The word is Cairibbein! [ Laughter ]
-“Goliath” is a great show. Third season.
Do you enjoy this character? It seems like it’s
a pretty meaty part. -I love it. I mean,
it’s probably closer to myself. I mean, not that I’m
an alcoholic lawyer. [ Laughter ]
But — I, uh — [ Laughs ] [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. No one thinks you’re
a lawyer, Billy Bob. [ Laughter and applause ] ♪♪

About the author


  1. Hire Lingering (aka Taking it In Turns) …
    Trump likes to hire all of the best
    People, in whom he can invest
    It's his little game
    To hire suckers to blame
    They're not permanent, they are "guests"

  2. Trump is a cornered rat and will do any thing
    to stay alive and stay out of jail.
    A blaze of glory is the ONLY is the only way he is going Down.

  3. So when mr. trump is removed and drags mr.pence down with him ,the 3rd in line of succession is……😊😊😊

  4. Republicans want to live in a dictatorship where they can worship their glorious leader no matter if he destroys the US constitution with greed and threats to anyone in his way!

  5. Mainstream Media : Criminal Billionaire Bankers own the media to distract us while they continue their agenda of a one world bank and putting us into prison work camps. We will all soon be like Apple employees with those suicide nets to keep us from jumping out windows. They're writing those lines for the actors and they're laughing AT US because we are the joke.

  6. Lol when he said "begal" for the type of dog to have sex with I howled laughing as I remember the movie "Porky's" and the teacher who howled like a dog at the end of sex…lol
    If anyone else remembers the movie then I'm sure that you're laughing about now yourself….lol

  7. she called for essentially impeachment? essentially what? She called for impeachment. She is saddened to do so because she knows it will play better with the undecided but has been waiting for the day to actually see opinion sway towards impeachment.

  8. Dude, you had almost every part of the Caribbean segment except for the best one where Buck sang Kokomo. Did you forfeit the rights or something? :

  9. It will be funny when the late night talk show hosts realize they may be making jokes about President Pelosi in the near future. 😂😂😂

  10. Hope y'all got a check with 7 zeros ! What you have been doing is unspeakable ! Is there any reason why we are waiting around ? The phone hasn't rung and I got important information that doesn't belong with me ! I've asked you repeatedly for help ! I'm tired of asking ! So let's just say and understand one another – you aren't getting out of prison ever ! That's non negotiable !!!!!!!!!!

  11. Dear Seth (and team)  I'd love to say thank you for all the work you and team do to inject humor into these tough times for the US while keeping us all up to date on the current events.  It helps us keep going to laugh a little.  I especially love the segment "This is the Kind of store we need right now".  Please take a look at the MrBeast YouTube channel.  Here is a 20 year old who has taken his fame and income and gives a lot more back.  I really think you could use him as one of those stories we need right now. Watching his channel really shows the good nature of people and Americans.  as a good example of this check out his "I bought everything in a store video".  Even though its a dumb premis, it ends up being for a good cause.  Anyway,  Thank you for all you and your team does.   FYI: we went to a taping of your show and had a awesome time being there a few years back.  keep up the good work.

  12. If you establish early on in any public career you're prone to joking – that your word at any point in time might be a joke – that you are the kind of person TO joke and make fun – and you live in a world where none of us can read each others minds to tell explicitly WHEN you're joking – AND you never make it clear AT THE TIME you're joking – that you live in this world and are RESPONSIBLE FOR PEOPLES LIVES DEPENDING ON WHAT YOU SAY – that aught to be a crime.

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