♪♪ -Never before in my life
have I head someone, about any phone call, say,
“Perfect.” [ Laughter ]
I’ve never been like, “Nailed it!” That pizza’s gonna be here
exactly the way I asked for it. -I don’t want to [bleep],
like, a golden retriever. [ Laughter ]
It’s just like — -Yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife and I did some traveling and we took a vacation
to the Cuhrihbeun. -It’s actually pronounced
Cairibbein. -Oh, and I said?
-Cuhrihbeun. [ Laughter ]
-And that was? -Wrong. -Will you travel?
Will take advantage of our beautiful subway system
right here in New York City? -I mean, I’ll have a go. I just know the subway
from movies and it’s so cinematic
and I love it and I’m sitting — You know,
when I go on the subway, I’m the person who’s like, “We’re in the movie [ Laughter ]
of our lives in New York and this is amazing!” And there are like
beautiful rats. -We actually have
the only rats in the world that have middle fingers, which is amazing.
[ Laughter ] Hey, Wally, do you say
Cuhrihbeun or Cairibbein? -Well, I know there’s the movie
“Pirates of the Cairibbein,” -Mm-hmm.
-but, then, the sequel is called “Pirates of the Cuhrihbeun.” -Uh-huh.
[ Laughter ] And then, of course,
there’s the third one, “Purotz of the Carburetor.” [ Laughter ]
-You got a football scholarship to college.
-I knew, when the man was in my home,
recruiting me, that I was not cut out for this. I remember he said,
“You are 17 years old. You have an NFL body.” And I remember thinking
to myself, “I wish I could tell you that,
no more than 10 feet from where we’re sitting, I also have a blankie.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheering and applause ] -He can’t — You know,
there’s an expression: “He couldn’t carry
his [blank] strap.” I won’t say it
because they’ll say it was so terrible to say. But that guy couldn’t
carry his blank strap. -Of all the insane
stuff you’ve said, why would you think
the word jock strap [ Laughter ]
would suddenly be over the line? This morning, you called
the impeachment inquiry bull[bleep] on Twitter,
[ Laughter ] but jock strap is
beyond the pale? Or maybe —
maybe, probably possible — he just couldn’t remember
and he kept saying blank like he was a contestant
on “Password.” -The password is… jock. -That guy couldn’t carry
his blank strap. [ Laughter ] -Nancy Pelosi called
for, essentially, impeachment, “Let’s impeach the president,”
before she saw the transcript. So, when she saw that,
she was — she — I heard she went crazy! She said, “We can’t impeach him
of this conversation. That’s a great conversation.” -At this point,
he’s just writing fan fiction [ Laughter and applause ]
about Nancy Pelosi now. [as Trump] “Nancy Pelosi
walked into her office and she read the transcript
and said, ‘We can’t impeach him! We can’t impeach him
on this conversation. That’s a great conversation.’
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Piano plays tender tune ]
And then, she gazed out the window
and had the same thought that had nagged her for years. Why hadn’t she married someone
as handsome as Donald Trump? [ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah! [ Cheering, whistling,
and applause ] -Hey, Buck, do you say
Cuhrihbeun or Cairibbein? -You know, I always
forget how to say it and, then,
I have to sing the lyrics to “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys, [ Laughter ]
in order to remember. Just gimme a minute. ♪ Aru– ♪
-Hey, Buck. I don’t think the word
Cuhrihbeun is in that song. -I know. But it should be,
though, right? [ Laughter ] -I was asked,
“If you had to have sex with one breed of dog, -Yeah.
-what would it be?” And I was the one who asked myself that question.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
-The first breed that came to mind was a beagle.
-Okay. -And I don’t know —
Like, I think it’s their eyes. They have such like
kind, emotional eyes. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-‘Cause like if I’m gonna do it, I want it to mean something.
You know what I mean? -It’s interesting that you
think you’d be facing them. [ Laughter ]
-Yes, yes. I would not do it their style.
-Yeah. Hey, Baze, you’re our head
writer. Could you…? -[quickly] It’s Cairibbein. -Okay, yeah, but what if I were to —
-Cairibbein. It’s Cairibbein. -Okay, yeah, but, one time,
my grandmother told me that —
-The word is Cairibbein! [ Laughter ]
-“Goliath” is a great show. Third season.
Do you enjoy this character? It seems like it’s
a pretty meaty part. -I love it. I mean,
it’s probably closer to myself. I mean, not that I’m
an alcoholic lawyer. [ Laughter ]
But — I, uh — [ Laughs ] [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. No one thinks you’re
a lawyer, Billy Bob. [ Laughter and applause ] ♪♪