THE PRESSURE TO GET MARRIED!!! Coffee & Chat with Kati Morton | Kati Morton


About the author

Comments

  1. I understand this whole heartedly….my boyfriend and I have been together for five and half years, however my refusal to immediately get married to him when we met at 18 & 19, or to have definitive plans to be married now is according to my parents 'obvious proof that I don't really believe he's the one' despite knowing my misgivings about weddings, that I've had since childhood ( I've always been uncomfortable with the formality and the publicity of them, as well as finding them slightly derogatory), despite that we have had a stable relationship this long and are good for each other, despite that my reasoning for not getting married are reasonable and well-thought ( we're young, he doesn't have a credit score, I want to be able to go all out for the honeymoon if/when we do get married, and a few more).

  2. Hi Kati, i'm single and I agree with you! Most of my family put pressure on me like: "hey you're turning 25 this year how is that you don't even have a boyfriend? And by the time pass I feel more confident with myself and i dont want to date the first guy who ask me out. If some day i'd get marry, it will be with a guy that I feel deeply in love. If isn't like that, then i rather stay single forever.

  3. Great video, Kati! And what a great discussion topic as well! 🙂
    I grew up in a very conservative Christian home and neither me or my sister had boyfriends until after college. The first time my sister started dating her first boyfriend at age 24, the marriage questions and pressure began, I was so upset!!
    Then almost a year ago, I became really good friends with a guy and spent a lot of time with him and people started making comment. And not just my family members, but also many of our mutual friends. He and I have joked about it but it just frustrates me that so many people do that. :/ because it does make me feel that since I'm 25 and have never even been on a date, something must be wrong with me or I messed up or something. :/

  4. Im also from a small town so I can relate! I'm 25, been with my boyfriend for 5 years, so I get the marriage and kids question a lot. We've chosen not to have children and I get reactions from both sides like "it's great that you've had a mature discussion with your partner and made that decision" to "are you sure you don't want just one?" Marriage isn't a priority for us either. I just got a real what I like to call "big kid" job in civil service so I would like to take adulthood one step at a time, thank you! 😆

  5. I am 26 and to me, instead of focusing on getting married, I would like to focus on finding something healthy. I've thought about never getting married before and then got into a relationship (that actually ended terribly) where i loved them and thought to myself "hey, I could do this every day." That was how I had to imagine it as opposed to getting married or wanting to marry someone.
    I'd like to focus on taking something slow, learning to communicate and picking something that ultimately makes sense for me. I like the idea of marriage, but I'm also at a point where I'm living on my own. When I think ahead I think in terms of "when I buy a house, when I do this, when I do that." The again, I've never been in the kind of relationship where we made plans like that.
    When it comes to kids, I work with them, love them, and maybe one day I will have them. But I also recognize that I can have a full complete life without them.

  6. Hi, does anyone know a good organization to donate to for mental health awareness? Would love to hear your thoughts! Thanks!

  7. The more I think about it, the less I want to actively seek a partner or have kids.

    As far as my experience goes, I don't think the typical relationship and relationship standards are my thing – I like much more freedom. And this isn't even from a sexual perspective (I'm not promiscuous by anyone's standards), it's just I don't like to have to be checked up on all the time, or necessarily spend all my non-working time with the same person. This doesn't mean I don't want to stay committed to one person, just that I think I need space and a lot more me/friend time than what's expected in a relationship.

    My basic approach is an 'open' relationship, where we at least discuss what we want out of relationships and move on from there. Sure, I may stay at your place for a few days at a time (or you at mine) but there'll be plenty of times where I'll just want to be alone. (I don't know if this is just the introvert in me, or there's more to it).

    As for kids, it's an iffy one. I've told myself my whole life that I wouldn't have kids until I was in a better position than my parents were when they had me. I don't want to have to struggle to raise a kid or two, but I know the longer I wait the more complications that can arise, so adoption has always been a viable option for me.

    Thanks for talking about this Kati.

  8. I got married so I could shout to the world how awesome my best friend is and show him how much he means to me and that we are in it together. I can def understand all the different angles and variables with marriage. Everyone should be able to just be who they are with or without a partner regardless of race, gender etc.
    The annoying part is as soon as you're married it's 'when are you having kids?' 🙄

  9. Great topic. I think you're spot on. As a mental health counselor and a christian, I will quickly and openly admit that the christian community is guilty guilty guilty of this marriage pressure. The Bible clearly says that God gives to some people the GIFT of singleness. And it really is a gift! Think about married people – marriage is HARD. For a marriage to work, the partners have to be 100% committed to one another. They often have to neglect friends, family, and other hobbies/passions. For someone who has the gift of singleness, however, wow! A single person does not have to worry about caring for a spouse or a family. They can devote their love, passion, and attention to their friends and hobbies. So, to anyone using Christianity as a platform for preaching marriage pressure, STOP IT! Like so many things our parents, friends, and families do, marriage pressure is just another insensitive but well-intentioned behavior. Pressure is good as it keeps us moving and keeps us challenged. We have to listen to those still, small voices inside us, however, because we have to be true to ourselves, not try to please others.

  10. I honestly loved this video so thank you for making it 💕 I grew up in a small town too and quite a religious one (not that there's something wrong with it), I'm in my early twenties and I'm single, I always dreamt about marriage but in the past year I feel like I've really grown up and become more me than ever before. I would love to get married when the time comes and if I find the right person, but I realized that I shouldn't feel uncomplete or that marriage should be my purpose in life, because I am complete on my own and I also really want to invest in my education and my career so I feel like that establishment should come first than looking for a relationship. I am a strong opinionated woman but I still feel like thinking like this will lead to questions and pressure and I honestly don't know how I will react.

  11. Thank you so much for talking about this! For my entire life, I've never wanted to get married (or have kids). I'm so glad that you're raising awareness about social pressures particularly women face.

  12. I had friends who parents were so intent on them getting married that the relationship between them just fell apart. Nothing they did was celebrated any more because they weren't married; super sad. For me, I came from a dysfunctional family and I realized I was picking all the wrong guys so I took myself out of the dating world just so I could get my head on straight. But people kept asking, When are you getting married? Don't you want a family? (or the worst) — You should get married so you can have your kids young. Then they turned mean. A friend tell me she couldn't be my friend because she was married and I was single. Then this one person just wanted me to stop lying to everyone, it's because you're gay, right? Why don't you just admit it. Sorry to disappoint but I'm straight and I'm choosing not to be married. I don't understand people's need to be in my business — it's so invasive.

  13. Everybody is different.
    I got married at 21, which was great for me. But we also want to be able to have a formal ceremony to acknowledge how our best friend is a part of our family, but our society doesn't do that.

  14. I'm turning 35 this coming Wednesday (single, hetero, female from a small Southern country town, btw – but now live 3 hours away in a city)… every time I go back to my hometown (which I will be doing next week for my birthday) I always get asked these questions by someone. One of my best friends (we've known each other since we were 9) told me on the phone just a couple weeks ago that I should consider freezing my eggs… I don't really want kids – i don't see myself getting married (even if I'm in a relationship) – I don't even know if I really want to be in a relationship… her comment really bothered me, but she doesn't understand… all she wanted from the time we were kids was to be a mom herself – and that's great – but I just get the feeling she believes my life is incomplete and that I'm sad and lonely or something… I'm not at all though – I love my life… this whole concept just seems so foreign to everyone. The subtle comments from my Mom that she wants to be a "grandmother" eased up when my brother got married and had a baby (thanks little brother – took some pressure off me there)… My Granny even made a comment once "…And I thought I was an old maid when I got married." I asked her how old she was and she said "26." So, she basically called me an Old Maid. =/ Despite me getting a Ph.D. in psychology, starting an amazing career, engaging in awesome hobbies, having wonderful friends, and following my own passions, many of the people I care the most about will always look at me and see something missing. It makes my heart hurt.

  15. I think that some people are so unsatisfied with their own lives sometimes that pressuring others makes them feel like they are not alone. When are you getting married? When are you having kids? Aren't you gonna have more than one kid? Why so many kids? Don't you guys watch tv? Lol Why are you a stay home mom, don't you want to work and be successful? Why do you work so much your kids need you… Etc etc….. Let's just be happy with what we have and stop being so imprudent towards other people.. 💗💗

  16. i spend all my time alone so I have not been asked that for many years. also i never spend time with women

  17. I don't feel any pressure to be married. At least not from the people in my personal life; my family and friends have a great understanding that marriage is not everything and though it is a milestone in ones life, its not more important than having a job and making sure you have your own life together first and foremost.

    I do feel pressure of some sort to have a relationship. I think that comes from the fact that everyone in my life or people I've known throughout the years from school is in a relationship with someone and I haven't had one at all; which is what I want for myself, not to say "Look I have a boyfriend/girlfriend now!!" but because being in a relationship with someone ex: companionship, sharing your day with someone, enjoying anothers' company and living a life together are all great things for the right reasons. I am ranting, back to the topic.

    Does anyone whose my age, twenty-five, or anyone whose in their twenties currently, ever feel this way? People in your life, or everywhere you look it seems everyone is in a relationship and you aren't? And you feel like you haven't done something exactly correct?

  18. I'm a 25 year old woman and in the social circles I run with, it's actually more common for people to be anti-marriage than to have more "traditional" ideas about it. That being said, I think that the concept of marriage is one to be celebrated and not condemned AND also simply an option. People are free to do as they please with their lives at their choosing. Whether it is marriage or not marriage, children or no children – any and all decisions can be celebrated for what they are: an exercise of freedom.

  19. I feel like my family and friends assume I'm happy when two things are going on, one when I lose weight, and two when I'm in a relationship. I went through a horrible breakup last year and I'm dating a new person and everyone acts like now I'm healed. Yes, I have fun with the new guy, but I'm still destroyed over the last one. The last one too was, to me, as valid as a marriage. We were together for 5 years, we lived together, we were in each others families, etc. but a lot of people will be like "well thank goodness you weren't married!"

    Anyway, love this and you should do one on having kids too! Oh the pressure lol!

  20. Great Topic! My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and everyone is having baby fever for us! It's not that we don't want a child but we can't conceive naturally so we are holding off and enjoying our marriage and each other. Of course there are very few people that know about our issue but the others are constantly asking, and guilt tripping us. I used to feel bad about it but not anymore because in the end it his him and I that are going to have to wake up at 3am to change diapers and feed the baby!

  21. I'm about to be 27 (happily not married or with a boyfriend <3) and my mother tells me all of the time that if I don't have children before I'm 30 something, they'll come out deformed or slow. "Of course the only way to have children properly is to be married first." Nooooooo!

  22. Pressure from anyone that deals with a private and personal relationship is bad. A friend of mine is being pressured by her parents/siblings/friends to have a second child.
    She almost died due to mistakes the doctors made and her reactions to certain drugs during her first and only pregnancy. I think it's intrusive and rude for people to try and force their ideals on someone else.

    I'm engaged but I want to stay that way for a while, but the pressure from others for us to hurry up is really bothering me. I don't even know if I want to be married, but being engaged to him and being his partner for life is what I would like. We;ve been together for about 4ish years now. It's our life, as a relationship, not theirs.

  23. not interested in marrage or kids myself. i was actually just telling my sister how offended i was when someone who knew i was in a long term relationship would ask when i was going to "settle down"…iv been with my fella almost 7 years..just bc we're not married doesnt mean were having orgies w the neighbourhood..

  24. Hi Kati! Thanks for this video. I was wondering if you could do a video on learned helplessness and how to overcome it.

  25. Conversely, it's super hard being a guy and having to find someone to have children… Which I'm super bad at and anxious about. :'(

  26. I wish youtube had more than two options than like and unlike (such as Facebook) because I LOVE this video! I enjoy being single with no children and I'm 30….but the constant questions are relentless, good gracious!

  27. Regarding your comment on how the questions changed from marriage to babies-I had a high school teacher explain to my class many years ago that each stage of your life has a significant question attached to it. For example, when you are in high school people question about the college you will go to. When you are out of college, people will then ask you what kind of career will you have. My teacher further explained that the questions may be hard, but they have multiple correct answers.

  28. Hey Kati, sorry this isn't a comment related about this video's topic but I was wondering if you can make an updated video on how to manage eating disorders during school. I stopped going to therapy because it wasn't helpful and before I stopped I didn't get a chance to talk to her about that. I would greatly appreciate it because I am really worried about that. Thanks so much!

  29. I'll be 25 this month and I've never had a relationship… I have social anxiety and no friends, I'm really scared I'll never find someone who'll love me… I have depression/anxiety/OCD… I definitely feel the pressure to be with someone… I want a boyfriend so badly I've forced myself on two guys I was hanging out with/dating who weren't meant for me. 🙁 only to end up still feeling broken and alone.

  30. Obligation is a huge thing to people
    And society mainly thinks that: in order to keep this world sane and society and the human race flowing and going people need to get married… And then have kids… And with recent events like marriage becoming legal for LGTBQ+ people their world and society itself is threatened therefore pressuring people into marriage to keep normality in their- our world.
    Which I believe is stupid because you should be happy with whatever YOU decided to do with YOUR LIFE because it is ultimately YOURS and NOT theirs

  31. This really is such an important topic to talk about. I know that I don't want to get married and I don't want a husband, but I will be forced to do both for my mother.. It's a shame that sometimes you have to make these huge life decisions not for your own happiness but for the sanity of other people.
    I love you Kati. Thank you for all your videos. They're always so helpful. <3 xox

  32. If I have to tell people I hate kids just to get them to stfu, then I will… ah f**k it, I DO hate kids. Yeah, I'm a bad apple! Rotten to the core, baby, like a wolf out in the rain, just looking for some fresh meat, and I'm leaving the bones. Ahroooo! You people want the truth? You got it!

  33. I want to get married but I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship which is causing relationship issues so we're working that out (me and my primary, I mean). We are also working out our financial situation before tying the knot

  34. I think you really hit the nail on the head with this one 🙂 I really hate the societal pressure when it comes to marriage and even more so when it comes to having kids. I too never brought any boys home, not till I met my husband whom I love to bits, but that only happened when I was 29 – by then almost all of my friends were married and I was stressing out that I'm incapable of having a relationship at all, let alone find someone with whom I'd love to spend the rest of my life. But it happened, and it felt natural, and I didn't feel like I was pressured into anything and I was blessed with a family that knew me well enough to not nag, because I am fierce and I wouldn't tolerate it, plus we are close, so I was able to talk about how frustrating being lonely was to me at the time (mind you – up until around that time in my life, I was happy-go-lucky being single and not dating AT ALL).

    Now that I'm married, for almost 2 years, and I recently turned 32, it's like the ovary-police is tracking my every movement. My husband and I both want kids, but to me, for the longest time it's been one of those "some day in the future" thing to think about. I'm still blessed that our families are not being nags about it, I can take the occasional "joke" being thrown around, but really – to me it is such a HUGE decision, I just can't take it lightly, and I'm not about to bring someone to this world "just because" it's what people my age are supposed to do. So once again, all of my friends have already had their first child come into the world, and I'm happy for them, but I am just not a wagon-jumping type of girl. Sure, I want kids, but I worry about just about everything that comes with the territory … will being pregnant be difficult for me? what if something will be wrong with the baby? what if we start trying but we find out there's a problem? or how will I handle giving birth? what will this baby do to my relationship with my partner? what kind of mother will I be? what kind of father will he be? what will our kid be like? what if I experience postpartum depression? what if I never get back on track with my career? how will I handle putting all of my needs aside in favor of someone else for so long? and what if something happens? what if someone hurts them when they grow up? am I really okay with worrying so much about someone for the rest of my life? is there enough room in my heart? … I think I have the answer to some of these questions, but honestly, there's no certainty in any of it – it's a life-changing decision, it's one you can't really "prepare" for, and the only way to find out is to dive in head first, and I know a lot of parents that say it's the best thing that ever happened to them, that the joy is unimaginable, but I'm also sober enough to realize just how hard it's going to be … so I worry, and I talk about all of this to my therapist. And I'm a therapist myself, and I work with a lot of parents who are having difficulties with their young ones so I know where at least some of the challenges lie … and that's the best I got.

    tl:dr – your life is your own, people can be sometimes rude or offensive when they try to make you fit the societal mold. This pressure you're taking about Kati, is very a real thing – and it takes a lot of courage to do what's right for you. Don't do anything before you feel like you're ready, and if you're like me, more on the avoidance side of things, when you're ready, or as ready as you'll ever be, if your heart is in it – you're just gonna have to take the leap. This is true both for love/marriage and for deciding to have kids 😉

  35. hi Kati I'm from a small town too , my friends have kids like 10 years old or something , I'm only 31 .. I'm happy alone and I didn't find someone to share my life with, the problem is I'm an Arabic women so it is like I'm almost dead for the society the pressure is so much like I feel I want to defend my life my choices all the time ..

  36. Heck, I'm 16 and feel the pressure to get married. Mostly because my family (extended and closer) places the value of marriage and children WAAYYY high.

  37. thank you so so so much for this, Kati!! this was so carefully worded and so well put together, I feel all fuzzy and warm inside at how you made/ke everyone's opinions feel valued and accepted while still expressing your own affectively 🙂 I am in complete agreement with what you said in this video and I'm so glad I'm not alone ! On the topic of having kids or not, I'm all for letting people make their own decisions and in terms of abortion laws I'm pro-choice 🙂 You may not feel comfortable with it, but I'd love to see a video from you on the topic of having childern and/or abortion etc. -I think you do a great job dealing with controversial issues and I'd be really interested to hear what you have to say. Thanks again, I hope you and Sean are well x

  38. Personally i don't feel or ever felt interested about marriage even when i was a kid i never was interested in marriage,also this idea that people sell out about wedding dresses and ceremonies in churches doesn't fit exactly to an atheist person like me. I really celebrate and respect the idea of people getting married under religious union but i personally don't share it,it doesn't impress me doesn't call my attention,doesn't move me. Plus i haven't even dated many people to even decide if i am a person who has had an amount of relationships even if i know about how relationships work and end and also about the confessions of some patients. You decide what you want about your own life but you can't choose about other people decisions. But i support civil marriage and also i support equally marriage for LGTB people because i think everyone deserve same opportunities of being safe and happy in a relationship.

  39. I really think couples must have at minimal to know each other for one or two years of living together,not on the internet but on the same apartment and test if they have things in common by living together and if they get along they could get married. Some people get married because they feel they are impressed about each other when they don't even know very well and then they make the worst mistake in their lives. For me 20 and something is the best age for living together,they got their own jobs/ bizz and they are both independent why not? Then if it works in the third year they could decide living together. Just my opinion. Is great to hear from you 🙂

  40. I don't know why some ppl care so much about other ppl's business… probably b/c they're not happy with their own.

  41. I think when people ask you questions about those areas of their life, more often than not they are projecting their own shit onto you and you have to ignore the questions.

  42. I don't want to get married. I'm so tired of being told that my standpoint on having kids will change. I'm too selfish for kids and too apprehensive for marriage, Im fine with the idea of dating forever but marriage feels like its more to show other people that were serious than everyone else.

  43. I find it really interesting as a gay man I've gone through several serious relationships and whenever I talk to my therapist about love it all comes back around to the idea that I've thought marriage should be the "end game" of a relationship. I've explored this a bit with her and for me I think as a member of the LGBTQ community I've been conditioned to think that way by society. To want to fit into the classic "nuclear family" model. So because I won't have the kind of relationship my mother and father do I try and emulate that (or rather fit into those outdated, gendered stereotypes) in my romantic life. So I'm happy this topic was addressed because there is a lot of pressure I've found when in a relationship to always want to look into the future. To think, like you said, that someday people will assume (no matter how long you've been with a partner) that marriage is the logical next step.

  44. I think that dating is a wonderful thing and I wish I had the chance to do more of it. I find that I learned more about myself with each dating relationship. I wish that more cultures encouraged dating but unfortunately it is seen as disrespectful behaviour in many cultures. I liked to view dating as a way to learn more about who you are as an individual. And when you've found the person that supports you and allows you to continue developing yourself then you naturally want to commit to being with them in marriage. Marriage is not something that you can pressure someone into doing and if you do then they will do it for the wrong reasons.

  45. Kati you so nailed it, as always. All of these things are a choice. These standards and institutions are human inventions — they aren't laws of nature. They may work wonderfully for some, but outside of that there is so much variation. For instance, I have been dating a man for 4 years with whom I know I will not ultimately settle down or spend my life. But we are open, communicative, considerate of one another's wellbeing and it works for us right now at this time in our lives. But this is so hard for me to explain to people, because it doesn't fit into a standard definition of a relationship. Regardless of whether you believe in marriage or want to have kids etc. etc., we all get to respect each other's choices, because ultimately the variation in choices we make is a direct reflection of the fact that we are unique beings, and all trying our best to navigate through life.

  46. Let me tell you something about marriage… Marriage is a BUSINESS! It's just like a CORPORATION! Corporations always have a scope/goal. That goal can be to build a bridge, build a skyscraper, build an airplane, build a smartphone, or whatever. Marriage is the same. Its goal is to have a child, or more, raise them up, educate them and make them fit for the System. That's what marriage is about. It's supposed to be easy-in and hard-out, to make sure you stick to the goal. Just like a corporation. So, unless you don't plan to have kids, don't waste your money. It will be just harder when you break up. Don't do it!

  47. As an ace/aro person I just hate the fact that romantic love/marriage/children is viewed as the ultimate level of happiness, like to be truly happy in life is to be in love or get married or have kids. I hate the idea that being single is a bad thing, or single people are inherently sad, or it's something that's only 'okay' for a little while, or it's a time to 'focus on yourself' with the ultimate idea is doing that in preparation for another relationship. I wish, especially as an ace/aro person, that marriage or a relationship wasn't presented as the ultimate goal in life that one should work towards or else you'll never be truly happy.

  48. I've never gotten any pressure to get married from direct family, but I have been asked our plans by various other family members. My parents are very cautious when it comes to talking about relationships, marriage, and kids with me. They had me when they were young and were married for a time, but the divorce didn't go down well. Marriage was never a big thing to me. I could go with or without it. However I am engaged to my long time partner!

  49. when my moms coffee gets cold she will add ice to it sometimes because she likes ice coffee or hot coffee

    thx for this awesomely ha bisky vid

  50. my sister is probably getting divorced i dont have the pressure in my family to get married i get pressure not to try to get my dream job though

    i am moving to DC with my sister soon so i have a better chance at getting my dream job i will have to go from DC to vidcon

  51. people believe the stupidest stuff they are so gullible i am sure their friends didnt believe it and jesse and jeana pranked engagement so many times and they are now broken up

  52. there is somebody in my work who did want to get married she wanted somebody taller then her (she was super tall) and they were like alright lets try it and now they have something like 3 children so it worked for them

  53. I think you are so lucky to decide and actually get what you want ,I have always wanted to be married just to have kids ,And i'm willing to endure literally anything for that purpose , but sadly i ended up with two failed marriages with NO kids.
    There were I believed in destiny and the super power{and will} of God .
    We are not in control.
    I am really depressed and tired of telling myself positive BS to keep going .
    If I didn't have the thing that really makes me happy and ''alive'' then what is the point of life ??
    What I'm still here for ??
    To watch other people getting their prices and wipe away my tears ???
    And I am supposed TO FEEL HAPPY FOR THEM ??????
    I'm just dying in the inside.

  54. Getting married. Buying a house. Societal expectations. It was only after 19 years and two children that I realised it wasn't for me. You have to do what you want to do. Although in your twenties sometimes you just go with the flow. It wasn't wasted time but I would have done things slightly differently if I knew what I know now.

  55. Slightly off topic but societal expectations. Introvert/ extrovert differences. I have extrovert friends who think that if they like to do something will too. Why don't you get up and dance? Ummm because I don't like dancing. Duhh. I was dragged along so I went, you know to be a friend and be social because you know everyone does it so it must be fun, right? So you go along because it's the easiest path. You should get out and network more at parties and go to restaurants because that's what they like to do. And the pressure and looks when you say no. I finally can say no. I used to go along just to shut them up. Didn't enjoy it at all. But they were happy because I was there so I must be enjoying it because they were. Prefer writing and Internet and my cat and the quietness. And the decibels! Why do bands have to be so loud in confined spaces is something I don't understand. Hearing aid people are going to make a fortune in about 30 years.

  56. My boyfriend and I have been dating for only two years but my boyfriends mom keeps asking him when he's going to "buy her a ring" meaning getting married with me. I thought I was ready at one point but then something happened between us and now I'm not sure we're ready. I can tell that he loves me very much but I don't think he's ready to commit to me yet. He's always talking about how hot other girls are and he keeps hanging out with his EX girlfriend like there's nothing wrong with it even when I told him that it bothered me.

    "A real man will cut off any female that threatens the relationship with his woman; a boy will make excuses."

    He needs to mature before I marry him.

  57. This is really great to hear, as an asexual I don't think I'll ever get ready and I am definitely feeling the pressure

  58. it is irritating cuz some of us cant marry due to social security. my mom has recently begun pressuring me to get married, and even moreso to have a baby.

  59. I definitely don't want to get married or have kids. From when I was a kid, I never wanted that. And the pressure is so awful! I don't think anyone should ask if someone wants to get married or have kids… the question should be answered when it wants to be said!

  60. Kati I wish you were here in SoFL (I am also a fellow LMFT), I would love to have you as my guest for my online show called The Couples Corner where we talk about everything from dating to divorce. Great topic!!!!

  61. I was married twice each time 10 years I enjoyed it very much I was very loving and caring but a workaholic, apparently they got tired after 10 years of marriage and they divorced me. I've been single for 10 years hopefully I worked on my problems and willing to try again

  62. I completely agree that if you don't feel like getting married then don't get married. It's a personal choice and really no one else's business besides your own. I think complications start to arise when you are in a long term relationship and you and your partner decide you don't want to ever get married, you want to continue dating forever. Again, this is a completely reasonable decision and you are allowed to do whatever you want, but if your partner is not legally your spouse then you can miss out on a lot of legal benefits, like tax breaks and things, right? At least that's what I've heard, I'm not entirely sure. You can become common law married after a certain number of years but I don't think you get the same benefits. Not that you should be pressured to get married if you are in such a situation, but it's probably something to consider at least.

  63. I'm queer, but I really don't feel like getting married ever. I'd be down for a civil union if I find a life-long partner, to allow them legal protection and boosts, but the whole marriage culture just isn't for me personally.

  64. I'm 30 now and I'm definitely feeling the pressure of not only being married, but that I should be in a relationship, period. I do see myself getting married one day, but not anytime soon. I feel I'm still young and have just started to get to know myself. I'm not ready to devote my life to someone else.

  65. I'm 20 and I don't plan on getting married because I for one I'm currently single and I'm not going to force myself to be in a relationship if it's just not meant to be and even if I wasn't single I don't need a marriage certificate to validate my relationship. If we've gotten far enough to have conversations about marriage then we must be doing something right. The only way I think I'd ever get married is if I'm with the right person and that person actually does want to get married to me. If I'm with the right person and that person isn't interested in marriage then I doubt we would get married, but if that person does want to get married then it might happen. Like I said before I don't need marriage to validate my hypothetical future relationship or a real relationship. There are certain legal benefits that come with marriage like getting tax breaks and things like that, but it's not worth it for everyone, and sometimes if the relationship doesn't work out and they want to see other people and no longer want to be married it can be more difficult to separate themselves from each other given that marriage is technically a legal contract (hence the term "marriage certificate." A marriage certificate is a piece of paper from the government.) There can be pros and cons for people and ultimately you may have to decide whether or not marriage is right for you, but whatever your choice, whether you want to get married or you don't it's still your choice and hopefully it all works out.

  66. Oh, Christ, I can so related to all of this, lol. Everyone around me is freaking out because I"m 29 and I'm currently even NOT in a relationship, how DARE I!. lol. Gee, it's horrible indeed when people start messing with your life.

  67. My partner and I were heavily involved in the church pentecostal/ independent movements for the first two and a half years of our being together. By the third month we were being questioned about the nature of our relationship (I was not living in the same town at the time) and if we were having sex. I had been raped a few weeks prior to us started dating so no, we hadn't had sex but at the time we'd been together three months and people had "sat us down" and pretty much said if you don't get married I dont want you together. Yeah, I get it. Its real.

  68. 22 years old, been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He's 29. My older family has no idea why I'm not married. As I get older and older, I know I will be judged more and more. God forbid I just be in love with/live with my partner without government approval.

  69. Kati, you must be my sister from a previous life! I've never felt the urge to get married or have children. I've been with my partner for over a decade and we are still living common law. We're in our late 30s and I still don't feel the tic tock of the so-called biological clock so I'm 99% sure I'm not meant to be a mom and I'm ok with that. My bf recently brought up the kids thing and I fear it could be a deal breaker. He says he is ok not to get married but would like at least one child. It's funny that I don't feel too much pressure from others, I'm mostly feeling it from him. My advice to younger couples is to discuss these important issues. Having vastly different priorities and goals in life can make for a difficult relationship when push comes to shove. I wish we had talked about this stuff earlier on.

  70. I was wondering how some people can afford to get married? I cannot afford to pay rent. I have a hard enough time trying to support myself. I would not mind getting married. The problem is, it difficult to support a family in the area that I live in.

  71. Thank you for saying all of that Kati. I've never been in a relationship and my family expects me to just get married as well, even though I've never wanted to be married in the first place. I don't want kids by choice and my family assumes that I'll have a kid so that the family tree can continue to grow. As an individual I want to live my life happily and finish college without hearing why don't you have this/that kind of relationship. It was so nice to hear your thoughts about the subject and thank you for your awesome videos many of them help me out. Stay safe and blessed.

  72. Personally I feel if you know you want to stay with someone forever then why spend a load of money on a wedding? You're going to stay together regardless. So why waste the money. I also don't want to find myself in a relationship I don't want to be in anymore and it be a whole lot more hassle to get out of because of being married.

  73. I'm 37 and I think people should mind their own business too. lol

    I never had the desire to be a wife. people don't believe me. they think i'm jaded, or secretly gay or trying to put up a front because I'm embarrassed that I'm "still single" or just scared. they have a hard time figuring me out because i don't fit into their boxes. I never want children, and people act like I'm a baby hating heartless shrew. these are personal choices and I have good reasons, but i just can't get over how uncomfortable it makes people and how much they are bothered by my being single and happy.

  74. THANK YOU! I don't really get this pressure except from myself and only because I have that need to belong. I'm learning who I am now that life has changed so drastically. I am working so hard about this issue and am so glad I found this video. 🙂 You and Sean are truly smashing pumpkins and we're SO very lucky to have you! Hear's to CHOICE! 😀

  75. I'm really glad that no one in my life has ever pressured me to get married or to get into relationships. Whenever I've felt that kind of pressure, it always comes from society at large, not anyone specific to my life. Unlike some parents, I think mine are actually very relieved that none of us want to get married any time soon, haha! (and we're 19-24 years old)
    Also, is it just me, or does it seem to be that the more politically conservative people tend to get married sooner? Is there more of a pressure among conservative people? (This isn't always the case ofc, but I think it'd be interesting to explore how political views can influence your convictions about marriage, and what you decide to do in the future.)

  76. My brother recently got married about 3 months ago to his first girlfriend. For reference, he’s 26 and I’m 23. I was a bridesmaid in the wedding and was honored to be so. We had makeup and hair people come and I had a lot of makeup on that day (I don’t usually wear a lot except for special occasions). After the day, my Mommom immediately began badgering me about makeup asking “how it was coming” saying I needed to go out now and get all this makeup. Now, I ended up going through a whole crisis myself a few weeks after that (I have anxiety and depression) and she still kept bringing up. Generally, my extended family (not my parents) are pretty toxic people. So one day, I wanted to get out of the house to distract my panicked mind, and my mom and I decided to go down to the beach where the outlet shops were and just walk around. When we were leaving, my Mommom called for another reason and my mom had a speaker system in the car so I just listened without saying anything and then towards the end of the convo, my Mommom was like, “So is Sarah wearing makeup now?” This is about 3 weeks post wedding and she’s still going on about this. Anyways, she continued to say that I need to wear makeup because “We have to get her married” or “We have to find her a guy” or something of that nature. Now, her relationship with my poppop before he died in 1999 was absolutely horrible and she grew to just hate and not trust men. Like who is she to now be giving me relationship advice? I’ve never dated anyone and I’m terrified to and was a part of my mental breakdown that I was sort of going through, worrying about the future. I wish people could just mind their own business. I worry too much about myself already, I don’t need others doing it for me too.

  77. I feel the most myself when I'm alone and free to do as I choose. As an artist solitude is like gold.  Also any spouse of mine would sadly have to deal with my mental illness and hell I wouldn't want to burden anyone with that nonsense.

  78. I have quite a different perspective as I grew up in Sweden in the 70's and 80's, when no one was getting married. My take on it at, say, 15 onwards, was that I was against the institution of marriage, declaring it an outdated concept. "Who needs a piece of paper?" (I was also against the monarchy, and a communist.) I've never understood this American culture of women saying "I've dreamt about this day since I was a little girl." Uh, no. And it's never (ever) men saying that, is it? Only women want to get married, apparently; American women try to "snag" men, drag them to the altar, women are in charge of planning the wedding, bla bla, because they're the ones who want it. (I'm exaggerating a little bit, but not much, am? This is the culture, what women are indoctrinated with.)

    Meanwhile I can tell you that there would be exactly weddings in Sweden if the man said "You plan the wedding, I'll just show up." Zero. Maybe it's because us girls grew up with Pippi Longstocking as our role model. I also find the American/English custom of the father "giving away" the bride quite disgusting, offensive. The woman is her father's property, is she? That is "given" to another man? I call it offensive; my best friend calls it "vulgar." In Sweden the wedding couple walks up the aisle together, which represents that they're forming this union out of free will. You tell me which thought is better…I have changed my attitude towards marriage, btw. Now I think it's a beautiful sentiment to say that you love this person so much that you want him or her to be the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with. Because that is something, isn't it?

    However, I'll never understand people who get married because "it's time;" it's either "We get married or we break up." If breaking up is on the table, how can getting married be as well? Take my cousin and her partner/boyfriend on the other hand, they, who had always been very modern—always young for their age (in a good way)—suddenly got married, after having been together for 40 years (yes, since the early 70's); what? Stunning us all. But how beautiful was that (I tear up just thinking about it)? That they after all these years together suddenly felt inspired to _get married? And I can tell you that it was not because anyone was pressuring them. Haha!

  79. I was never pressured to get married. I was pressured to have children. I've no marriage nor kids and I'm fine with that. Interesting to note that the person who wanted grandchildren was also my sexual abuser. Hmmm, right?

  80. I graduated high school last year and since then my best friend from my childhood has gotten married and had a baby. Almost everybody i was friends with when i graduated is married/or had a baby. It sucks because i don't feel the pressure from my family (my parents were 38 & 40 when i was born) i feel the pressure internally because i feel like i'm falling behind everybody i know. None of my friends that got married have been to college or even traveled outside the united states and i've been able to travel to europe twice since graduating and started my first year of university. it's just strange knowing how different my life is from theirs because we were all on the same path for so long :-/

  81. The pressure is for real. In Latino culture even in your 20s you feel the pressure to find a man and get married. "se te va pasar el tren, you are going to miss the train."

  82. I'm 35yr old newly married woman who is childfree by choice. I had my tubes tied 10yr ago. I'm a little shocked that even at my age I'm suddenly getting questions about having babies. We are middle aged, no we didn't magically change our minds just because we got married

  83. Awesome, my thoughts exactly! Got asked the other day by someone who I'd only just met "WHEN was I going to have children". Being shocked by the question I just said "probably never", instead of what I really wanted to say which wouldn't have been very elegant!

  84. I love you girl 😂you are so funny and lovely I really feel good listening to your mental health videos ✨ from Dubai 💗

  85. I'm 34 smart and beautiful I don't want to get married not yet or have kids. Yet, my family going crazy over it. My brother who we live with is giving us hell and if your asking why! Guardianship in Saudi Arabia. I'm really praying for a miracle. Why do I have to go through this can't be me and just live and let things happen. I'm sure the right person will show up eventually… Why the freaking rush it makes me sick to the stomach.. Peace to everyone and thank you for posting this… ♥️

  86. I actually think that a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons. I also wonder a lot about those who who have been married for many decades. We those people truly happy, or did they stay together solely for societal reasons (like fear of being looked down upon for getting divorced)?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *