The Worst Dating Show Contestant On TV (The Bachelorette)


hi I’m Jarvis J. a youtuber from San
Francisco California and honestly I’m just hoping to find love
oh man this is YouTube video yes I should take off this accent much better
is it much better I look like somebody was trying to buy dwayne johnson on wish
today we’ll be talking about the Bachelorette which is a marriage game
show where you when true love that can’t be right now I talked about The Bachelor
before which is exactly the same show with the gender swapped but in case you
missed that all you really need to know is that thirty carefully selected copies
of exactly the same person compete for the love of someone they’ve known for
nine weeks last time our star was Colton a 26 year old unemployed virgin and it
ended with him being rejected by his final pick and running away yeah that’s
really what happened he just jumped the fence
anyway the bachelor and the Bachelorette have this symbiotic relationship where
somebody who doesn’t win the bachelor goes on to become the Bachelorette and
vice versa and as such this season our star is one of the two girls from
Alabama named Hannah for blasts season specifically Hannah beat but because the
other hand still exists in the bachelor Cinematic Universe we’re just expected
to call this Hannah Hannah B the entire time the bachelor I just finished up
last week and it was dumb I thought last season was dumb but this season was dumb
dumb this is the definition of a psychopath that’s the complete opposite
of me so that’s what we’ll be talking about today because it’s all I can think
about you would think that a show about marriage would have marriage worthy
contestants right that’s like reasonable to think no with very few exceptions the
guys on the show are so bad and also very dumb like you have Hannah who is
this very genuine and cheerful person she just had her heart broken last
season by Colton who just randomly introduced her to his family super early
in the show and then eliminated her and I don’t know I’m
there so now it’s Hannah shot at love and they surround her with the worst
guys in the world Hannah this package is a complete without you The Bachelor is
apparently known for its cringy introduction some may recall last season
where a girl showed up in a sloth costume and didn’t break character for
way longer than was necessary and it’s a sloth and this season is no exception
because the cringe started before the show even did at the end of last season
of The Bachelor they announced Hannah as the Bachelorette and then introduced her
to her first few guys like tease the new season the first of which introduced
himself by rapping I just wanted to say when they said it was you it was a
pleasant surprise now stand here look you straight in the eyes all the other
dudes got me feeling so stressed so I say all aboard hot mess Express this is
cam and he’s the first sex guide heartthrob that I want to talk about
today in Kim’s official bio for the show they identify him as the life of the
party what parties is this guy the life of because I would like to avoid those
parties it it also says he can freestyle rap about anything I mean maybe he can
freestyle rap but should he so take my hand and let’s go for a ride this is the
only time and Aggies gonna say roll time and for some strange reason Hannah is
really into it so when it comes time to formally introduce him in the show he
raps again I got to keep the fresh lock and coming out the limo what you know
about me this the rap demo it’s a boy cam and I’m back in the mic I’m trying
to live it up like I’m living the hype or compressively Kim’s wordplay is
enough to propel him into the finals of the show just kidding he’s promptly
eliminated but hey not all the guys are bad there’s Mike
Navy vet who’s hilarious and good and far and away the best person on the show
don’t he’s also the most obvious pick to become the next Bachelor because of
course he does not win the show as he is a nice person then you have Tyler see a
26 year old contractor from Jupiter Florida who takes care of his sick
father and is also chiseled out of stone I’m pretty sure Tyler came out of the
season more popular than the Bachelorette herself to throw in another
goofy there’s John Paul Jones a human Pokemon who is only capable of saying
his own name my name is John Paul Jones my friends call me John Paul Jones so
you can call me John Paul Jones what a lovable mean person going back to the
serious candidates we have Peter a sentimental pilot who also fucks ok but
we’ll get to him later unfortunately I don’t have time to introduce you to all
the candidates because there’s 30 of them but fortunately for me neither did
the Bachelorette because most of these guys never get any screen time they will
regularly cut to a guy but you’ve never seen before in your life only to find
out that he’s getting eliminated this week Hannah gentlemen it’s the final
rose tonight when you’re ready John Paul James like who is this guy has he been there
the whole time just kidding that’s not a contestant at
all that’s youtuber Danny Gonzalez he’s not
a bachelor he’s married but you see what I mean though he just blends right in okay you can go now thanks Danny
even the front-runner and eventual winner of the show who we haven’t talked
about yet barely gets any screen time because this one random dude oh I’m
sorry villain dominates the entire season have
I said spoiler alert yet spoiler alert these episodes are like two hours long I
hope nobody is binging The Bachelorette anyway who is this guy taking up all the
airtime you asked is he a seven-foot hero Adonis whose good looks and wit
place him so far ahead of the competition that you wonder why they
didn’t just end the show after episode 1 or is he a mastermind villain that uses
the superior intellect and cunning to maneuver his way into Hannah’s heart and
a heart well neither he’s a five nine Bible study leader with an anger
management problem in big Napoleon energy also he looks like a bitmoji
he looks like a bitmoji I don’t know who said this at first but I think I read it
on Twitter but it’s true oh and his name is Luke P because of course it is Luke P
as far as I can tell has no redeeming qualities other than the fact that he’s
religious and I guess Hanna’s into that because he manages to make it to the
final fuller although being super manipulative and awful told you nothing
with his first yeah yes I would never lie to you I bold-faced lied he’s not
even like a good villain that everyone loves to hate like plankton or Squidward
look I don’t know a lot of villains but this guy is just a manipulative and
aggressive manchild but uses the fact that he and Hannah are both religious to
shield him from any criticism shall I give some examples of why Luke P is dumb
and bad I hope so because that’s what I’m about to do stick around for that
happening right now number one he looks like a bitmoji I
already said that number two they go to Rhode Island for some reason to play
rugby obviously forgotten a lot of the details but Luke
Peters randomly bodyslams this cute little golden doodle of a person it’s
just the kind of guy you might like god forbid my like you know hurt someone today they die he doesn’t have the ball we can see it
right here in the background also they definitely added in like a punch sound
effect from an action movie and then Luke P tries to make it seem
like he was defending himself against Luke s oh by the way they’re both named
Lucas by how you think that you feel you’re the cause we’re not being our
happiest right now actually I’m not the cause or obviously his defense doesn’t
work with any of the guys because this Widow guy means no harm and to me I
genuinely would thought I was defending myself because he pulls on you defending
yourself against Lopez except it does work on Hannah somehow and she takes his
side and eliminates the other guy number three when Hannah finally does eliminate
the bitmoji man he decides to not respect her wishes when she says no and
just walks right back on to set I didn’t get a rose but Hannah says she still
wants me to be here like how is that allowed the producers wanted some drama
is how number four there’s this part where he puts like baloney in somebody’s
lap it’s very weird what this is right here this is a pile
of baloney look at that
yeah I don’t know what the hell this is he’s just so easily aggravated that
everybody starts trolling him it’s kind of great she asked me what’s been going
on lately you are a bezel I’m a weasel weasel or a
snake is the best way to go snake yeah yeah really
Luke psychopaths the snake man I think I’ve been nothing but truthful with
Hanna and you are not gonna mess it up okay number five Luke finally gets
eliminated during the fantasy suites which is supposed to be when all the
couples how should I say bow-chicka-wow-wow and Luke in His
infinite wisdom tells Hanna that she shouldn’t sleep with any of the other
guys I just want to make sure you’re not going to be you know sexually intimate
with you know the other relationships here because it’s not what a good
Christian girl would do if I if you told me you’re having sex or you had sex with
one or multiple of these guys I’d be wanting to go home and then Hanna’s like
wait what and Lucas like yeah remember how I’m super controlling and use my
religion as a weapon I’m doing that right now that’s what I’m doing and then
Hanna’s like oh wait no I’m realizing just now that I don’t like that actually
and she tries to eliminate him I do not want you to be my husband wait please and then Luke B is like
remember how the thing with me is that I don’t leave when you tell me – because I
don’t respect you or your boundaries also I’m five nine and every time I
instigate something with one of the other guys they stand up to reveal how
outclassed I am physically I’m also a bad representative of Short Kings
everywhere yep that’s me and then Hanna is like well me and Peter gonna windmill
so twice and then and I’m not joking the bar that I was in erupted into applause and by the way after this happened if
they had a live show where people were wearing windmill merch so that’s odd but
hey Luke P was finally defeated just kidding he came back again and I
thought after sending me in the van that there’s no way I want to be with her
anymore uh yeah what a weird thought to have after the last thing she told me
and she’s sadly mistaken is anyone else getting serial killer vibes like he’s
not this isn’t like a movie villain y’all sadly mistaken
she doesn’t realize that I still love her no she knows she doesn’t she doesn’t
know it yet but I’m on my way and I’m coming someone
call the cops if you imagine you like open up you pull up your phone you’ve
got a message from this guy that’s like you weren’t expecting it but I’m coming
that is like that’s a threat that’s harassment
this should not be like played up for drama I want to prove to her how serious
I am about this and then just casually has an engagement ring as if the
producers didn’t just hand that to him for the shot I’m gonna need you to look
directly into the camera like you’re filming this yourself despite the fact
that we do have a camera crew here and why don’t you just give us your your
dentist craziest eyes yeah that’s perfect
oh and take this ring imagine Hana chooses the sky and then
breaks up with him and he’s just like standing outside her door cuz he needs
to get a few things off his chest but the show keeps playing with it like it’s
not as serious as it is like they got him a van that gave him a ring they took
him here they told him when filming was he didn’t
just like he didn’t just break in no I’m just gonna do a little supercut of him
standing his ground because it’s it’s I don’t even want to make fun of it cuz
it’s like so upsetting go Hannah I’m gonna stand here all day
until you know you’re not I need clarity right now I’m not leaving until I at
least have closure you will leave because I’ve already sent
you home our relationships work is through communication
well you and listen I’m on the bright side I guess Hannah gets to have another
moment of like completely shutting him down alright then the guys who are all
you know bigger taller stronger than him finally step in and he looks so confused
as to what like the problem is lay your hands
yeah what are you gonna do so Hanna yeah what do you want what do you mean what
do you want she’s eliminated twice this is so stupid
this is all up to you no it’s not honestly cuz she stepped out like a
million times and I was clear the other night there’s something unsettling to me
about the fact of it like we just keep subjecting Hanna to all these dudes who
were just like putting her in these ridiculous and like emotionally
manipulative situations for so that it could be the most dramatic season yet or
whatever like Hanna posted on her Instagram of stories that when she got
overwhelmed she would just stare at a wall and like the visual is pretty funny
and I’m glad that she’s she’s able to make light of it but like this is truly
dark and then the show finally realizing that everyone hated that guy also
they’re complicit for condoning his toxic behavior for her whole season
subjected to a very awkward Q&A with Chris Harrison the nine thousand year
old Time Lord that hosts the show if I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing nothing where the guy can’t even answer
simple yes-or-no questions is that the type of woman you want is someone you
can kind of put on the Shelf in a glass case and hold down when you need this
the last thing that I want and the last thing I’ll ever do is control a woman
although a man is supposed to lead and guy the woman in the relationship ah
there it is and then they bring out the rest of the guys to just destroy Luke
one by one Luke we didn’t have any immediate drama you and I but I for one
am thankful for you because you’re making me look like a frickin saint and
it’s very cathartic but we should not have gotten to this place like Luke s
asks him hey um why did you lie to Hanna about about me and effectively end my
time on the show well why did you do that I it he just completely shuts down
cuz he the answer is that he’s a horrible person I feel that Luke hasn’t
learned a thing whatsoever I think that you are a narcissistic cantankerous
misogynist Mike dusted office thesaurus before he came out the worst part of
this is that Hannah comes out and feels like
she has to apologize for Luke P as if it’s her fault I just want to say bachelor nation I’m sorry you hate to
see it so with Luke vanquished we’re down to our final three
Peter the pilot Tyler see the perfect in Jed the quote-unquote musician slash
Megamind is that is that body shaming I feel like I feel like I can say it
because I too have a five head so Before we jump into the jed saga peter gets
eliminated it’s really sad he took Hanna up in a plane took her to his hometown
and introduced her to his family each member of which independently cried
which is adorable they share a meal which starts of course
by screaming in German in the end Peter was just too good at sex
so he gets eliminated and then he’s forced to do an interview with Android
16 who was trying very hard to convince us that he understands human emotion I
see the tears in your eyes I see I look around this studio audience tears and
tears and your mom and dad your brother tears and I can see the emotion in your
face and then they also brought his family presumably to see if they could
get them to cry they can and Chris Harrison who is slowly but surely
developing self-awareness it is dare I say the most dramatic
season of paradise yet that’s right I said it you’re welcome goes from
implying that they shouldn’t talk about sex in front of Peter’s mom Peter’s mom
is right there to saying that his dad should be proud of how good a son is at
sex in like five seconds Peter’s dad his chest is puffed up is that’s just the
kind of old-fashioned show this is anyway it’s now down to Tyler see who
need I remind you is literally perfect and in jet so let’s get into jet we’re
meant to believe that jet is a musician because it’s literally all he talks
about for the whole season I’m a musician and a songwriter he’s
singing songs at every opportunity and then and they’re also bad I wanna come inside
why did they subject us to this there’s definitely a double standard for how
much this dude is promoting himself because very early of the show right
after Luke Peabody slammed man’s best friend bless his little heart
Luke Pete told Hannah that Luke s was only on the show for his tequila
business like he’s always talking about his brand and his liquor company and
I’ve never heard him talk about you which is it true because he never talked
about it and also it doesn’t exist which isn’t even a business yet but he got
eliminated because that’s unacceptable meanwhile Jed who is literally singing
and playing guitar at every waking moment has a sit-down with Hannah where
you’re usually supposed to share like something very personal like open up or
whatever about some hardship The Bachelor is very formulaic this is hard
talk I’m sorry in the troubling story that Jed chooses to tell is how he
initially got on the show wait for it for his music career this is like a huge
platform but then whoopsy doopsy he fell in love I was open to the idea because I
love love I do I love that yeah and now he’s just here for love he’s not here
for his music career anymore at all nope no way just love and Hannah’s just like
cool thanks for being honest over the entire season everyone every corner is
telling Hannah that Jed is only here for his music career including his family I
mean it is kind of a dreamy way to get to date someone yeah and I know Jed’s
just another guy but he’s not oh yeah can ask Jed’s mom and sister if he would
be ready for marriage and they both say no do you feel like Jed would be at a
point in his life where he would be ready for that I wouldn’t know about
what way before just because he’s and musicians yeah you don’t care a diploma
mmm-hmm to be a musician well that’s not true
does that worry you at all like he couldn’t completely focus on his music
making music makes him so happy and honestly like him potentially falling in
love with you I’m like and not sure that it’s a good thing this
doesn’t give a shit and then Hanna’s family meets Jen and also hate him oh
how do you feel about Jen and I together um he has qualities and for some reason
the only thing Hanna wants to talk about is how they’re gonna make money as if
they’re not gonna use their millions of Instagram followers to sell subscription
vitamins but still the man of the house still has his obligations to somebody
should really tell these people about influencer marketing through these
conversations with Hanna’s family we find out that Jed’s claim to fame is
wait for it a dog food jingle you know at this point my most major
accomplishment is that I signed a deal with a dog food company don’t worry
about my ability to take care of your daughter good Sara for I have written a
jingle dog really does deserve the best go pick up some edible neat I mentioned
his Spotify which has a whopping 30,000 subscribers which was brought to my
attention when Danny Gonzales who was a contestant on The Bachelorette tweeted
about this he only has three songs and he hasn’t released anything since The
Bachelor came out shouldn’t he be trying to capitalize on this not like I’m his
manager or anything but it seems like a missed opportunity somehow none of this
deters Hannah and he makes it to the final two where Hannah turns down Tyler
who is perfect in Jed who enters the scene with guitar in hand proposes with
a song and it’s the cringe iasts thing in the world after all that you’ve been through and
he still wins I’m engaged you’re engaged ring we’re engaged together
Wow we’re getting married Alexa what do you think of this can only be described
as cringe-worthy huh what’s that it’s an ending that no one expected
least of all Hannah plot twist alert conveniently and with just enough time
before the end of the season a People magazine article comes out from someone
claiming to be Jed’s girlfriend where she details how he got on the show for
his music career shocker despite their very serious relationship
he ghosted her to be on the show and in the show like suddenly shifts into a
Shane Dawson documentary where we’re now like airing out this couple’s dirty
laundry in public and now is where it’s suddenly clear that this guy only cares
about himself I didn’t have a girlfriend though like so to me that didn’t feel
like it was a relationship he claims that they weren’t
boyfriend-girlfriend but then goes on to say that they went on multiple trips
together he had met her family her parents had gotten him a trip to the
Bahamas for his birthday and I told her that I loved her we only hung out a
couple of times but she threw me a surprise birthday party we her parents
bought us a trip to the Bahamas together it’s perfectly normal stuff what else
Oh also I told her that I loved her but I’m so not proud of it he’s just so bad
at acting one you’re not about the crown camera let’s be real too so what what do
you mean this entire show is about crying on camera do you think crying on
camera is gonna make you look worse so we find out all these ridiculous things
that have happened since the show ended like Jed had been bragging to his
friends that he won the show rather than like I don’t know saying that you’re
engaged for the love of your life I got engaged to someone I love which is a
better way of saying it also some like random models showed up at his hotel
room and he part with him yeah we didn’t even know who
they were well Uther man pool did so how to be in things when he went on
the show easy he didn’t he broke up with her it is hard to me I ended in my heart
not terribly I know so they broke up and then they they have to do what The
Bachelor does and have a live show where they bring out Jed and the best part is
just how awkward the lack of applause is when he when he walks out ladies and
gentlemen Jed so he sucks but then they bring out
Tyler and they allude to a potential
rekindling of their romance did you just ask Tyler out on a day and I think that
nobody told Chris Harrison that the show is over because he keeps trying to embed
himself in their personal lives so just so we’re clear we’re gonna have a go at
this no Chris Harrison they’re going to have a go at piss I think I speak for
everybody when we can ship this you so the show is over to Tyler and Hannah
finally get together um probably not because Tyler’s like dating Gigi Hadid
now or something the reason I wanted to talk about this show is that it likes to
pretend that it’s like helping these good old-fashioned people find love but
in practice it’s just another reality show in fact it’s probably more
dishonest because at least like Real Housewives knows what it is and isn’t
trying to present it as this more like polished thing also it’s funny to me
that between this season and last season they’re getting more and more ridiculous
in the ways that people don’t get married on the marriage game show I
think the show is fun to watch mostly because of the community around the show
and the content around the show rather than like the show itself by I also
think that like they need to get better because they like to act like they’re in
on the joke but if you’re fixating on Luke peace toxic behavior for an entire
season I find that pretty like I find that pretty lacking in self-awareness
like they definitely spent a lot of time towards the end backtracking the initial
decisions they made and trying to like lay into Luke pee and like lay into Jed
for for being like awful people but maybe just don’t have them in the first
place next time that’s an idea so where do we go from here I for one will be
catching up on bachelor in paradise now that I’ve done with this video and
patiently awaiting them to announce Mike as the next Bachelor also his last name
is Johnson but no relation I thank you Thanks to everyone who did
the survey that I posted about a while back but specifically thanks to Leilani
V given the MT song whoo I have no idea if I’m saying that right if you want me
to butcher your name you can if you want me to put you in your name follow me on
Instagram and send me a message about it and tell me what to butcher and follow
me because if you’re not following me I just want thank you
oh and one other update is I’ve been traveling a lot and kind of stressed out
about stuff I’m moving pretty soon so I’m gonna take a few weeks break after
this video and then I’ll be back of equal or lesser quality than before see
you

About the author

Comments

  1. Not to fact check you but Hannah didn’t send home Luke S (the golden doodle pup), he sent himself home with an ominous message that certain people weren’t good for her. I WONDER WHO????? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

  2. Luke: waddup I’m gonna Show up to set and propose to Hannah even tho she rejected me twice. Also I’m like the worst dude ever and I’m already an abusive boyfriend even tho we’re not even dating
    Directors and crew: hmm idk man
    Luke: also I’m not a psychopath. Here’s the definition; I am the total opposite of that.
    D & C: oh rad, we’re filming at this place at this time see you then!

  3. Thank you for making this. It’s nice to watch because I couldn’t get the time to watch the season myself

  4. Jarvis should make a video on a story animation channel called "Dory Story" it is similar to actually happened and my story animated

  5. Jarvis, you might take look at this. I saw this ad and I just.
    Wow…
    (and also make second video about mobile game ads)
    Here's the link:https://youtu.be/5X8wew1IdR0

  6. The disgusting thing is that the creepy stalking would never be a plot in a tv show if the guy was ugly. Well I mean, it wouldn’t be presented as “romantic”

  7. "I'm pretty sure Tyler [C] came out of this season more popular than the bachelorette herself" Yes. Period. End of sentence. Yes.

  8. As a Christian, the only people I dislike more than secular assholes are assholes who claim they're "Christian" (and many genuinely believe they're saved), even more-so ones who shield themselves with it. It's spitting on the name of Christianity and spitting on the name of GOD. And if you know what it's like to be an actual Christian… You know just how scum people like that are. They're dried up crap.

  9. I watched two 30 minute videos on the Bachelor this week, and was able to fake a 2 hour conversation on the show with two girls at a wedding just using quotes from Jarvis, having never actually seen the show.

  10. I just had you suggested to mevby YouTube, I don’t even watch the bachelorette/bachelor, but 2 min I’m sold on you & subscribed

  11. I don't know if you'll see this because you're probably flooded with comments and this video is like a week old but the reason for the awkward amount of silence when Jed comes out is because the entire audience was loudly booing him. They for some reason killed the audio and added sparce clapping. Weirder still ppl who were invited to the live recording have videos of it and talked about it during their instagram stories.
    I don't understand why they removed the sound

  12. This season was truly a pain to watch. I actually like Hannah, she has human decency at least, but what I find dumb is that the show disrespected her decisions. If it's Rachel, she as a lawyer wouldn't even tolerate this shit. But Hannah seems to be very at a lack of self-defence. I think any woman with a good self-esteem would go and fight the production team when they got Luke P. back on the show. This person needs to go to a psych ward! He's mentally unstable, has most likely dissociative identity disorder and should not be near a woman or man or let alone children, if he doesn't have it under control! That's not even drama anymore. That's a problem!

  13. sh*ttiness level of the bachelor shows
    1.the bachelor- extremely sh*tty
    2. the bachelorette- over the roof sh*tty
    3. bachelor in paradise- burn the television and murder all the contestants sh*tty

  14. Hey Jarvis!

    So earlier today I was on snapchat doing one of their quizzes, and I noticed the questions were extremely limited and off topic. It's definitely something I'd like to see you complain about.

  15. I saw Danny in the crowd and I just went back over and over again until I finally stopped and let Jarvis speak and then I realized he’s not in the show. Phew. Lol u got me Jarvis

  16. Holy ish I just discovered I wasnt subscribed to you even tho ive seen like all of your videos?! Like holy ish!

  17. In a shocking plot twist, we find out a few episodes into Bachelor in Paradise that they actually have a zero tolerance policy for violence the entire time. They just forgot to enforce it during the Bachelorette

  18. Jarvis there’s a channel called woohoo which is a mixture of troom troom, 5 minute crafts and 123 Go! in one. You should definitely check it out because it’s on trending and shouldn’t be.

  19. Based on this video, this is my understanding of the show:

    A woman gets cringily seduced by identical psychopaths, removing anyone normal or nice, she has to fuck a lot of them, and it is generally an awful time, especially for the viewer.

  20. Luke S. wasn’t sent home he voluntarily went home bc he was insulted that Hannah would even consider keeping Luke P.

  21. Youtube put an ad next to this video asking me to buy season 15 of the Bachelorette for $15. After watching this video I want to watch it even less than I started out

  22. Every girl has their own experience of at least one Luke P. A psycho who looks and behaves too much like a golden retriever for people to believe that they're dangerous.

  23. I’ve watched a lot of reality TV. It’s most likely that the producers actually decide who gets eliminated, and keep bringing him back to cause more drama. I bet there’s a contract saying that he can’t say “no”.

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