The Worst Things About Children’s Birthday Parties: TBH


Only like 10 percent of children’s parties have bounce houses and then those… the adults aren’t
even allowed to go in them. If *anybody* could use a tiny room with
cushioned walls to scream and thrash in It’s me. Hey everyone! My name is
Matt Bellassai and this is To Be Honest a weekly video series where I get
drunk in the middle of the day and tell you how to live your life. On this week’s episode Because I shouldn’t have to be sober
in your backyard at noon on a Saturday because your piece of shit toddler
somehow didn’t die for another year. So let’s drink! [long ominous groaning full of shame and regret] Gotta keep going. OK, that’s enough. Alright. First of all… Every child at a birthday party is more powerful and
demonic than a normal child. They multiply. They’re louder. They can jump higher than normal children. We should be separating them in cages not bringing them together and feeding
them sugar to conspire against us. One time at a birthday party,
you know what I saw? I saw a four-year-old
punch a hole through a tree. Then… then he lifted a bus. All by himself. Then… he licked a dog’s back just from tail… to neck. That happened. That happened for real. NEXT! The cake always tastes like if sandpaper tried to get a job as a pastry. You are not qualified for this task, sir. The cake is the only good thing about this event and it tastes like if Spongebob died in a desert. Either you invest in ice cream cakes or cupcakes or you get NOTHING. Also, one of the kids always Incredible Hulk’s their way through
the rest of them like a bowling ball. Children are terrifying. They don’t need cake. They need a straight jacket and a sedative. Also children get like one billion presents and they deserve none of them. Oh, did you have a hard year doing nothing but staining your clothes and shedding scabs everywhere? Try folding a fitted sheet, you miniature fuck. NEXT! Children’s birthday party themes are always dumb and bad. Oh, you wanna be a princess? Oh, you wanna build a fucking snowman? There’s only one good children’s party theme. And that theme… is growing up. Getting a job. Figuring out how health insurance works. Also Pokémon. Plus, all children’s birthday party entertainers are one step away from becoming murderers at any given moment. Clowns? Magicians? Face painters? I don’t want some vagrant touching my face just because he’s technically doing my makeup. Also, just because you can turn a balloon into a giraffe doesn’t mean you should. Clowns should stop making balloon animals and start teaching children how to shut the fuck up at movie theaters. You’ll get a balloon sword if I can make it through Finding Dory without having to punch you in your popcorn covered face. Also, there’s always dumb games
that I’m expected to participate in. Pin the tail on the donkey? Uhhh, is it my fault he lost his damn tail? Tell him to find his own tail. I lost my TV remote three months ago. You think I threw a party and invited a bunch of children over to my house to look for it? No. Because the police
stopped it before it could happen. And finally… guaranteed… one of the children is always sick and they infect everyone else and before you know it happy birthday congrats on starting the next plague. Happy Birthday, Timmy thanks for infecting everybody with beaver flu. Now my shit is purple My ears are leaking sand All because your tiny piece of shit kid doesn’t know how to cough into his elbow. And also, he goes to blow out the candles and he blows like this [blowing like a little bitch] That’s DISGUSTING! That is biological warfare. Have fun in Guantamano Bay. Alright everybody! Thank you for watching this week! As always, you can find new videos of To Be Honest
every week at Facebook.com slash Matt Bellassai. You can find me and all my projects on
Facebook, Instagram and Twitter at matt bellassai. You can listen to my podcast Unhappy Hour
on iTunes or wherever else you get podcasts. And that’s it. That’s everything. Thank you for watching. See ya next week. Buh bye. Also, Chuck E. Cheese is always like ”Sir, you need to have a child
to be here, which one is yours?” And I’m always like, “That one.” And they’re always like… “He’s black.” And I’m always like, “That’s racist.” That could be my kid. I could have given birth to him.

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Comments

  1. omg the riiculous games…I thought those were confined to children's birthday parties, till I was forced to attend a bridal shower. Spoiler alert: THEY'RE NOT.

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