UPSC Ki Taiyari | TSP’s Rabish Ki Report E05


Hey Collector, please take a reverse gear? Sir, this is a one way. You’ve arrived in
the no-entry lane, you take a reverse gear. Don’t argue with me. I’ll hold your promotion. Please do. Heyy! Will have you kidnapped. Please do. Ayee! Will have you transferred. Please do. District Bastar , Naxalite area Hey, collector! Come home someday. Hah hah hah hah Yes, so the collector has to face him. *sings a song* Will have to sing it. And also, be under his nose. This is the bitter truth of our bureaucracy, for which all
across the country, 2 lac kids prepare for UPSC exams. Infact, in Bihar they say, whoever does not
give UPSC, does not belong to his own family. But this Bihari, got
spared of the UPSC exams. Hello, I am Rabish Kumar. Delhi’s famous Mukherjee Nagar. The biggest factory in the country
to churn out IAS candidates Which will never shut. Even the dogs here are scared to pee on the
poles, in case an officer comes to inspect. Look at this Dhaba. Collector’s Dhaba. God knows how many officers here
have eaten their stomachs out. Look at the registers, that have
grown fat eating all the loan. And these eyes have a hope that someday the collector will
come in their green lit car and pay the pending amount. Nobody will come, Rabish ji. Once, a man starts to serve the country,
he forgets people like us. True, true. When people start to serve the country, they forget
their own promises, leave alone your petty loans. So tell me this, this Collector’s Dhaba, who is it a tribute to? Me, Rabish ji. But, you’re still alive. But the collector inside of us,
he is dead, Rabish Ji. I prepared for 9 years. I used to stay here, at Mukherjee Nagar. In a room as small as a matchbox
and people as many as the matchsticks. UPSC was our passion, passion! My debates used to make the
biggest of Collectors go bonkers! I was the Inzamam Ul Haq
of Political Science. I used to kill it at the mains
because of my knowledge. But due to bad English, interviews
used to go to the dogs. And when the last attempt drowned in, I went home,
took the IAS out of me, shoved him in a corner And said You motherfucker, *stab noises* Choked him to death. Okay, killed him. So after killing him, did you
cremate him or bury him? Ha ha ha, Rabish ji, do not
make it a political issue. See in the Constitution…. Aah, now you’re talking
like an IAS officer. So the IAS is still alive.
You said that you killed him? He keeps coming alive at times…Rabish ji… you
know, seeing all the camera and limelight! Hmm, looks like a ____ collector. Dies and comes
alive again. Even I watch a lot of Hollywood, man. So you tell me, when UPSC didn’t happen,
why did you not become a journalist? Too many people do it. I had thought of it Rabish ji, but then I thought
that someone will murder me, so I cancelled the plan. You must know Rabish ji, how they just shoot
bullets at the journalists these days. Even I keep getting a lot of death threats. Who gives it, Rabish ji? Don’t make it political now. So, Barkha’s Rakhi brother is after my life. He said, forget Barkha or I will kill you. I said – My life is Barkha,
will you kill your sister now? After some time, at the Dhaba,
plenty wannabe IAS gathered. Where I spoke to Kamal Sharma, who’s
been preparing for UPSC since 2 years. So, I have to become an IAS. Or my
family’s reputation will be tarnished. So, my Dad’s an IAS. My Dad’s mom
is an IAS, her husband is an IAS. Infact, My dad’s son’s wife’s
husband is also an IAS. So tell me, in that case, who am I? If I give the right answer, will I get
to eat the rest of the Gulabjamun? Eat it all, Sir. I’ll get more. You’ll be the wife. You lost the Gulabjamaun, sir? I’m an IAS too, right.
That’s why I am studying. So, your case is like Rahul Gandhi. If the Family
is Gandhi, election runs are mandatory, yeah? Here, 30 Rupees, Sir. 30 Rupees? Here, take it. No no no. There should be no corruption
and there would be no corruption. I’ll make the country proud, and
the Politicians can go and die. Do not bribe me, civilian! I
have self respect in million. God, this is not bribing, man. See. It’s a Thali for 70 bucks. You gave me
100 Rupees. I am giving 30 bucks back to you. ___________________ ___________________ Okay, you continue with this, then. Hey, please pay, guys. No no no no. I am not scared
of you, you’re under arrest. Sir, this man has been here since 10 years.
You know about the UPSC exams? He wanted to clear it and
become a Tax Officer. He did not clear it, but definitely did go
crazy. He also calls himself an IRS officer. He is so amusing. The days this man is in
the Dhabas, we don’t make a single penny. So this man has started a new thing. He doesn’t keep the
change back, and doesn’t even let others to take it. He’s amusing man, next level. He’s crazy but isn’t wrong, right? I saw that the 30 bucks that he gave, you kept it
in your pocket, did not give it back to the Owner. Umhm, that’s the tip, sir. Tip. That’s not a tip, that’s balckmoney. Do you pay taxes for it? Why are you grinning like that? You know what happens to people
who grin like this in the name of tax? Heh, I don’t know. Ajay Devgn comes to your house to Raid. He comes home? He must have already reached. Go, see. Already there? Yes, go, run! Aye, Bunty! Shut this down! After lounging around outside, when I
went to the rooms of the UPSC students, the drying holed boxers told
me that these are not the boys Wearing jockey and playboy, but these are the
future bureaucrats for the country’s future. This is meditation, dude. Your
aptitude is your problem. He is Suresh Kumar. 33. Has attempted UPSC 5 times,
but has never even cleared the prelims. But he dares to scare the students
who have even cleared their mains. So, what if you’ve cleared your mains?
This is how you’ll talk? And this is your interview face? And which IAS looks like this, man? Did Aamir
Khan have a beard in Sarfarosh? No, right? And what’s that movie where the
famous dialogue comes from? Gangajal! Yeah, did Yadav have a beard?
So, why have you grown it so much? I will shave it off, but
have you seen your beard? Not done shit in your life
but educating other people. What did you just say? Let him go, let him go. Looks like you’ll be a
very strict officer, eh? Yes, I’m very hard, Sir. So, you’d also have a nice hard Goldflake? Please hand me one. Oh yes yes, please. Thank you, ji Sharing… So look there and tell us
why you want to do UPSC? To serve the county? To earn fat salary?
Or to get a fat dowry, eh? To stay alive, Sir. I am fro Bihar.
Only two types of people can survive there. One, who has a gun in his house.
Second, who has a red light on his car. So this is your last attempt? Yes. If you don’t get through,
what would you do? I’ll buy a pistol, what else. What if the magistrate
does not give the licence? Will order it from America. I have heard that
you get guns even at the general stores there. In another room, a wannabe Officer,
was jotting down his routine on the chart. Oh my god, this is a very strict time-table.
Even Rajnikanth couldn’t follow it. I’m sorry, sir but I need to sleep. Where are you going? Stand here. It says, study constitution? This I’ll follow starting tomorrow.
Today, I want to sleep all day long. Once you start to serve the nation, same old story. Collectorate-
District inspection, Political meetings, officer’s party. Don’t know if I’ll be
able to sleep well, then. So, after the Zombie collector,
meet Batman Collector. And what is this? Resignation
or Transfer order? Oh, no no, this is my previous time-table.
Wasn’t too strict, so I tore it off. So, that’s about it… Yes, please, go sleep. Die. By the way, Nostradamus had forseen that the
one who does not study, will make time tables. So, he just goes to sleep next to you,
do you not feel sleepy seeing him? No, brother, I have kept a conductor. Conductor? So how do I explain… A truck that runs all
night, has a conductor, Whose task is to not let the driver sleep…
So likewise, even I kept a conductor. Confused, you look brother.. Yes, I am confused. I’ll demonstrate. I’ll sit properly
and tell you how it works. So, here, I’m reading a book? *snores* Aye! You don’t have to sleep! Or I’ll
start driving, okay? So that’s that. I thought he is your fellow student,
you’re an A1 person, eh? No no, brother, he’s my conductor.
He’s on salary. See, tomorrow, I’ll also have a big bungalow,
10-12 servants, so I’m just getting used to it.. Officer’s party and all.. Yes, yes! All of that..jacuzzi and
all, with hot water and bubbles… So tell me one thing, why are you talking
in this Bihari accent, Sardarji? Now what do I tell you, brother.. While preparing for UPSC, I have to stay with too many
Bihari boys, so I picked up the accent all along. But to tell you the truth,
accent picked me up. *laughter* So now you listen to Pavan
Singh instead of Babbu Mann? So let me hear you sing! Yes yes, Sir, definitely. *sings a song* Nobody will move, nobody will move!
It’s a Raid! Bribers, I will put you behind bars!
It’s a Raid! *Sings gibberish* Tiwari ji, remove the tiles. Shukla, switch the fan on and see the
jewellery fall. Yes yes yes, there it falls. Yes Tiwari ji, Shukla ji, do what he says. No, you will not give the orders. I am the
Senior Tax Officer here, I’ll give orders. So Senior Tax Officer, where do you stay? At the bungalow. Where is the Bungalow? Upstairs, 1st floor. And car? Car? Car, car, car, car.
Oh yes, here’s the car! And where is the driver? Driver sir, here he is, Sir. Where to go, Sir? Go drop him to the office. Go. Okay, sir! What about the gear? It’s an automatic, Sir. This is crazy, man. Such crazy
people, these UPSC guys. After this, I got to know that IAS, IPS and
IFS, takes a lot of hardwork to walk the path… Which becomes even more
dangerous through the night. And while walking through the night, I met some more
people, who are into it with their heart and soul. Some make their reservations to Dehradun even before the
results, and some dream to get posted in their own hometown. And some are confused with
their IPS officer look. Long conversations with girlfriends, party with friends
and a peaceful sleep is sacrificed for all the studying. Yes, there’s too much to study. Now see, I cracked IIT before this,
then I cracked IIM. After this, I’ll crack UPSC
and become an IPS officer. So your life is all about – Crack? You could say, sir, you could say. Tomorrow’s the final interview.
I’m all prepared and confident. You’ve also done the ‘Break the beard’ I look good right? You look dashing. The Sardar
Khan of the UPSC world. Hey you, why are you with that sad face?
What happened? What do I say, Sir. Can’t figure
out what is happening in life. There is plenty knowledge…sometimes I feel,
I don’t read the paper, the paper reads me. Raja Ji, I’ll tell you something?
Only pain resides in this heart now. Pain? What kind of pain? *songs*

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