Vicious Mockery: 100 D&D Insults to Celebrate 100k Subscribers!


Holy shit, thank you guys so much for a
hundred thousand YouTube subscribers, oh my god! You guys liked my 50k subscriber
pick-up lines video so much… too much, actually, so I decided that it was time
for me to take you down a peg. So I hope you enjoy these 100 vicious mockeries. Hey, I’ll bet you could defeat a mind
flayer just by starving it to death. You know, you look really familiar.
Or maybe I’m thinking of the gibbering mouther we fought last week. Alright, alright, which of you cast animate dead? Because that is not the smell of a
living creature. Look Kevin, I’m not saying that we hate fighting you.
But I am saying that our wizard is working on a new abjuration spell called “Banish Kevin.” Oh no, did a wizard curse you or
did you pick that outfit yourself? Wow, is that a natural one or
is your charisma always this low? Ooh, not even Disguise
Self could fix that face. Are you sure you’re a caster?
Because somehow I really doubt you can spell. Whose shrine did you piss on
to get cursed with a face like that? Oh man, can we go back to the tavern? I’m not nearly drunk enough for this
fight to be interesting. You call that a rage? I’ve seen flumphs more intimidating than you. Ah, looks like your dump stat was… every stat. You know, you’re not bad-looking
for a bugbear! Oh, you’re human? Hoo paladin, you reek!
Maybe you should switch to an oath of ablution. So if I banish you, would you get sent back to the elemental plane of ugly? Wait, wait. Are you True Strike?
Because you’re completely useless. You know, I admire your dedication
to keeping your sword clean. I mean, you haven’t hit me yet! Ooh, did you just cast Eyebite?
Because your face makes me sick. Are you a Gelatinous Cube?
Because every time I go out,
I hope I won’t run into you. You see before you a bard.
Other there? A ranger. And in the shadows yonder, a rogue.
But you? You have no class at all. If a Doppelganger copied you,
it would die of ugly. You’re so dumb, Detect Thoughts
would give me psychic damage. If you ever got abducted, the ransom note
would say “pay us 10,000 gold, or you’ll see him again.” Ugh, can somebody cast Stinking Cloud?
Compared to your stench, it would be an improvement. You’re so ugly, even your Mirror Image broke. It’s kind of you to fire a warning arrow, but after
three of them, you might want to try hitting me. Every time I see you, I wish
my stealth was higher. You are so dumb, I’m afraid that talking to you
is gonna bring down my intelligence score. If you never mastered “pointy end goes into target,”
how did you even graduate from bad guy school? Oh my god! An unknowably ancient Lich! Oh, no, I’m sorry. Your fashion sense is just hideously outdated. Ugh! You’re so disgusting, I wouldn’t even
touch you with Bigby’s Hand. Note to self: Cast Modify Memory later to forget
this interaction ever happened. Have you ever heard of the Far Realms?
It’s full of aberrations — hideously malformed creatures that don’t belong in the natural world. You’d fit right in! I’m sorry, is the boss paying you to guard this dungeon? Because you should really offer him a refund. You make me wish I had Blind Fighting
so I wouldn’t have to look at you. Did you cast Stinking Cloud?
Or did you just have some bad trail rations? Ahh! Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were the
reanimated corpse of a troll I killed last week. some are said to fall from heaven others who have been cast from
the hell’s but you you’ve clearly been heated from the abyss your charisma is
so low feeble mind would actually be an improvement
are you part draconian because that is what I call a breath weapon wait I’m
sorry are we combat I thought you were doing some sort of terrible interpretive
dance behold my portable hole it’s an extra dimensional plane filled with all
of the fucks I give about this interaction it’s an empty void you are
so useless when you join a group of monsters it goes down a challenge rating
uh your aim is shit your armor is shit your horse is shit your face is I’m
sorry I’m sorry that was too far please tell your horse I apologize Oh were you
bilingual you seem to speak both common and unintelligible grunts oh I’m sorry
just unintelligible grunts then is that your weapon
I think the tavern we stayed at last night has more dangerous cutlery than
that they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I don’t think even 11
eyes could find you attractive Oh bless you
I’m I’m sorry what was that supposed to be an eldritch blast you can barely cast
a shadow let alone a spell hey warlock you’re so dumb you probably think your
patron is a bottle of tequila because patron hey fuck that one work
really well in my notes let me try again you are so ugly a succubus told you that
she didn’t want to risk ruining your friendship anybody have a potion of
healing I feel like I lost hitpoints just looking at you
hey let’s swap tragic backstories let me guess you were an accident so what’s
your alignment chaotic dumbass you look like a femoral got a night hag pregnant
Hey what’s the difference between the Sabri ex and your mother well one is a
bloated stinking demon dripping with its own bile and the other is a Sibley axe
help me out here looking at you I can’t tell if I should be casting dominate
person or dominate monster has anyone ever told you you’re enchanting you’re
like the living embodiment of psychic scream it’s really so impressive that
the natural one is named after you you know critical failure the only reason
anyone would willingly touch you is to land a spell I hope you know
prestidigitation because that face is a mess have you heard of the river of
blood apparently bathing and it makes you lose
all your memories do you do you know where it is because this encounter makes
me want to take a dip I hate looking at your face I’d cast invisibility on you
but I’d have to touch you I love nothing more than a well matched battle with a
truly skilled opponent so if you see any around here please let me know you know
I was thinking about casting contagion but you already look so disease type
doubt I could make it much worse you probably avoid stables don’t you because
I imagine stable hands are always trying to shovel you out you’re so dumb you
could probably mispronounced a material component hey Bart where did you get
your degree from the College of no hit wonders you should really look into
learning true polymorph it could help with that are you about to cast fireball
because you are full of bat shit I’ve heard tell of a goddess called halona
she’s called the Lady of poison the mistress of disease but most know her as
the mother of all plagues so anyway what I’m saying is tell your mom I said hi
you’d probably find a way to miss with magic missle trust me
fighting you gives us no pleasure especially considering all the
disinfecting we’ll have to put our blades through afterwards nice armor but
how do you keep the rust monsters away you definitely don’t have a lawful
alignment not if the fashion police have anything to say about it you seem
awfully familiar hey remember that rotting goblin corpse
from the other day that’s the smell right hey do you want me to cast false
life it might help with your social situation wow you’re really struggling
here want me to take off my armor so you have a chance you know when I joined my
party the party leader promised me adventure glory tales of triumph
what is this the only action you get is from your mage hand
hey are you 3.5 E cuz I hate you I think turning you into a corpse might actually
improve your personality I really hope your party members bury your body after
we go I mean they say shit makes great fertilizer it takes special skills to
wield a marshal weapon and most people can handle simple weapons but don’t
worry I’m sure we’ll find something you can manage you know they say a plan
never survives contact with the enemy and to be fair neither do you oh if
you’re trying to sweep me off my feet you definitely failed your strength
check how do you pull off sneak attack with a spell like that did you guess –
the city’s laughter is that just your face
this isn’t second edition honey a negative armor class is bad let me guess
half elf half dumbass you call that hellish
rebuke I think he gave me a little tan I’m sure the dating world is really hard
for you but I hear two rasps mate for life
in fourth edition everyone had a role you could be a defender a striker a
leader or a controller but you’re making me realize there really is a fifth role
to fill here motherfucker the spell is called hideous laughter not
hideous you oh I thought three was your intelligence modifier not your whole
score wait you’re a warlock what poor eldritch horrors regretting that pact
now I’ve heard of minor illusion and I’ve heard of major illusion but this
illusion of competence is truly next level you know they say that those who
can do and those who can’t teach but for those who really screw things up what’s
your class again your mom must have been shit with abjuration spells because
clearly she failed to use protection bugbear more like but bear alright
I’m tapped thank you again for a hundred thousand subscribers and thank you to my
patrons and my D&D party for helping me write all of these if after several
minutes of me insulting you you want to give me money I would love if you joined
us on patreon I swear I am almost never this mean also I know that I said that I
was gonna update on Mondays but it’s not really working for me so I think I’m
switching to Wednesdays just FYI

About the author

Comments

  1. Is your D&D character capable of inflicting damage via insults? Cause that'd be a fun class to play.
    Roll for emotional damage.

  2. Yikes! The carnage is impressive!
    I started on the original back in 76, and more or less stopped with 2.5 (2 with my own customizations).

  3. 1 hey ill bet you could defeat a mindflayer just by starving it to death

    2 you know you look familiar, or maybe im thinking of the gibbering mouther we fought last week.

    3 Alright alright, which one of you cast animate dead, cuz that is not the smell of a living creature

    4 Look Kevin im not saying we hate fighting you, but i am saying that our wizard is working on a spell called 'banish kevin'

    5 oh no did a wizard curse you or did you pick that outfit yourself?

    6 wow is that a nat 1 or is your charisma always this low

    7 ooh not even disguise self can fix that face

    8 are you sure your a caster because somehow i really doubt you can spell

    9 whos shrine did you piss on to get cursed with a face like that

    10 oh man can we go back to the tavern im not nearly drunk enough for this fight to be interesting

    11 you call THAT a rage, ive seen flumphs more intimidating than you

    12 ah looks like your dump stat was… every stat

    13 you know. you arent a bad looking bugbear, oh wait, youre human?

    14 hoo paladin you reek! mabey you should switch to an oath of abulation

    15 so if i banish you, would you get send back to the elemental plane of ugly

    16 wait wait, are you true strike, because youre completely useless

    17 you know i admire your dedication to keeping your sword clean. i mean, you ahvent hit me yet

    18 ooh did you just cast eyebite, because your face makes me sick

    19 are you a gelatinous cube, because everytime i got out i hope i wont run into you

    20 you see before you a bard, over there a ranger, and in the shadows yonder a rouge, but you? you have no class at all

    21 if a doppleganger copied you, it would die of ugly

    22 youre so dumb 'detect thoughts' would cause me psychic damage

    23 if you ever got abducted the ransom note would say "pay us 10,000 gold, or youll see him again"

    24 ugh can someone cast 'stinking cloud' compared to your stench it would be an improvement

    25 youre so ugly even your mirror image broke

    26 its kind of you to fire a warning arrow, but after three of them you might want to try hitting me

    27 everytime i see you i wish my stealth was higher

    28 youre so dumb im afraid that that talking to you is gonna bring my intelligence score down

    29 if you ever mastered 'pointy end goes into target' how did you even graduate from bad guy school

    30 oh my gods! an unkowably ancient lich ! oh no im sorry your fasion sense is just horribly outdated

    31 ugh your so disgusting i wouldnt even touch you with Bigby's Hand

    32 note to self: cast 'modify memory' later toforget this interaction ever happened

    33 have you ever heard of the far realms? its full of hideous malformed creatures that dont belong in the natural world. youd fit right in

    34 im sorry is the boss paying you to guard this dungeoun because you should really offer him a refund

    35 you make me wish i had Blind Fighting so i wouldnt have to look at you

    36 did you cast 'stinking cloud' or did you just have some bad trail rations

    37 AHH! oh im sorry i thought you were the reanimated corpse of a troll i killed last week

    38 some are said to fall from heaven other to have been cast from the hells, but youve clearly been yeeted from the abyss,

    39 your charisma is so low a feeble mind would actually be an improvement

    40 are you part draconian, because that is what i call a breath weapon

    41 wait sorry are we in combat? i thought you were doing some sort of terrible interpretive dance

    42 behold my portable hole, its an extra dimensional plane filled with all the fucks i give about this, its an empty void.

    43 youre so useless when you join a group of monsters it goes down a challenge rating

    44 your aim is shit, your armor is shit, your horse is shit- im sorry that was to far, please tell your horse i apologize

    45 oh were you bilingual? you seem to speak both common and unintelligable grunts- oh im sorry just unintelligible grunts i

    46 is that you weapon, i think the tavern we stayed at last night has more dangerous cutlery than that

    47 they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder , but i dont think even eleven eyes cold fin you attractive

    48 oh bless you- im sorry im sorry was that supposed to be an eldritch blast?

    49 you can barely cast a shadow let alone a spell

    50 hey warlock youre so dumb you probablly think a bottle of tequila

    51 you are so ugly a succubus told you that she didnt want to risk ruining your friendship

    52 anyone got a potion of healing, i feel like i lost hp just looking at you

    53 hey lets swap tragic backstories, let me guess, you were an accident

    54 so whats your alignment? chaotic dumbass?

    55 you look like a femoral got a night hag pregnant

    56 hey whats the difference between a sabri ex and your mom? well one is a bloated stinking demon and the other is a sibley

    57 help me out here looking at you i cant tell if i should be casting dominate person or dominate monster

    58 has anyone ever told you your enchanting, youre like the living embodiment of psychic scream

    59 its really impressive that the nat 1 is named after you know, critical failure

    60 the only reason anyone would willing touch you is to land a spell

    61 i hope you know prestidigitation because that face is a mess

    62 have you heard of the river of blood? apparently bathing in it makes you lose all your memories, do you know where it is because this encounter makes me want to take a dip

    63 i hate looking at your face, id cast invisibility on you but i have to touch you

    64 i love nothing more than a well match battle with a truly skilled opponent, so if you see any around here, please let me know

    65 you know i was thinking about casting contagion but you look so diseased i doubt it could make it much worse

    66 you probably avoid stables dont you? i imagine stable hands are always trying to shovel you out

    67 youre so dumb you could probably mispronounce a material component

    68 hey bard where did you get your degree? from the college of no hit wonders

    69 (nice) you should really learn polymorph, it could help with that

    70 are you about to cast fire ball? because you are full of bat shit

    71 ive heard tell of a godess called halona, shes called the lady of poison the mistress of disease but most know her as the mother of all plagues, so anyway what im saying is tell your mom i say hi

    72 youd probably find a way to miss with magic missile

    73 trust me fighting gives us no pleasure especially considering all the disinfecting we'll have to put our blades through afterward

    74 nice armor but how do you keep the rust monsters away

    75 you definitely dont have a lawful alignment, not if the fasion police have anything to say about it

    76 you seem familiar hey remember that rotting goblin corpse from the other day? thats the smell

    77 hey do you want me to cast false life? it might help with your social situation

    78 wow youre really struggling, here want me to take off my armor so you have a chance?

    79 you know when i joined my party, the leader promised me adventure , glory, tales of triumph WHAT IS THIS!?!?

    80 the only action you get is from your mage hand.

    81 hey are you 3.5e cuz i hate you

    82 i think turning you into a corpse might actually improve your personality

    83 i really hope your party members bury your body after we go, i mean they say shit makes great fertilizer

    84 it takes special skills to wield a martial weapon and most people can handle simple weapons, but dont worry, im sure we'll find something you can manage

    85 you know that say a plan never survives contact with the enemy , and to be fair, neither do you

    86 oh if your trying to sweep me off my feet you definitely failed your strength check

    87 how do you pull of a sneak attack with a spell like that

    88 did you cast hideous laughter or is that just your face

    89 this isnt second edition honey, negative armor class id bad.

    90 let me guess, half elf half dumbass

    91 you call that hellish rebuke, i think you gave me a little tan

    92 im sure the dating world is really hard for you but i hear terasques mate for life

    93 in 4th edition everyone had a role, you could be a defender or a striker, a leader, or a controller, but youre making me realize that there really is a 5th role to fill here , mother fucker

    94 the spell is called hideous laughter, not hideous you.

    95 oh i thought 3 was your intelligence modifier, not your whole score

    96 wait youre a warlock? what poor eldritch horror is regretting that pact

    97 ive heard of minor illusion and major illusion, but this illusion of competence is truly next level

    98 you know they say that those who can do and those who cant teach but for those who really screw things up- whats your class again

    99 your mom must have been shit with abjuration spells because clearly she failed to use protection

    100 bugbear? more like butt-bear, alright im tapped

    OH GODS MY FINGERS

  4. "Whose shrine did you piss on to get a face like that"
    In one campaign our bard pissed in a demonic shrine sacrifice bowl and lost 1 charisma permanently.

  5. I’m trying to figure out vicious mockery for my Spring Eladrin. She’s a Druid and a Bard. She’s a cheerful, lovely, nice person. She’d never say anything mean on purpose. It would be accidental or an innocent comment. I might be using the goblin smell one as one of her innocent comments.
    If anyone’s got any other tips, please let me know.

  6. Jokes on you! I'm going to want to picture the people I don't like when you say these lines!!

    Though I'll admit some are Scathing, and some are just "Is that the best she's got?", and some just went over my head for not playing DnD <.<;

  7. Uhm, don't get me wrong, but if someone ran up to me and started yelling these, that'd work just as well as the pick up lines. And I'd fall flat for those (no pun intended, I specifically rephrased that so it wouldn't be a pun!). And that was before you said you were going to take your armour off. Just imagine a buff old Paladin coming up to you and offering to take their armour off to give you a chance? Swoons

  8. jeeze your delivery on these was PHENOMINAL. definately gonna have to keep tabs on this vid for future games. I can't pick a favorite, there are so many gems. though the tragic backstory one was definately one of the biggest standouts!

  9. Here's one you can use against Half Elves: You are naturally talented, beautiful, and you live about 8 decades longer than normal humans. Stop acting like a fucking edge lord!

  10. Tarrasques, in fact, do not mate. They are immortal, and therefore have no need to reproduce. Also, there is only ever one of them on a plane at a single time unless it's that one plane that has them in the numbers of cattle. I don't know if tarrasques mate on the plane of a billion tarrasques but I would guess not.

  11. I'll never forget the time my bard casted Vicious Mockery to an Orc and said that his hair was awful. The Orc got a natural one and just cried in the ground for the whole fight

  12. This is amazing, I am saving this so my bard can truly be bitchy because it's hard to come up with good insults on your own

  13. – Against a Drow Matron, Succubus, or other evil-aligned yet attractive being: I've seen hookers with more shimmering hearts, and looks, than yours.
    – Against a fallen paladin or other church militant type: Did you, by chance, doze off during the sermon about <insert benevolent creed here>? What would <insert patron/matron deity or saint's name> think about your heresy?
    – Against a sorcerer or wizard: For all the intellect that you possess to be able to manipulate magic like that, I'm ashamed to find that you seem to lack the intellect to contemplate what consequences your actions would have on yourself, or your loved ones, assuming you have any that is.
    – Against an evil fighter, barbarian, or other combatant: For all your boasting about having bested all that you've fought in combat, why then do you seem to be losing the war? Are you too dumb to realize that you can't fight fate, or that, thanks to your reprehensible actions, you're now on the losing side of it?

  14. You have just earned yourself a subscriber having seen your first video.
    I will be sure to use a few of these in, and out of, game.

  15. You're so ugly your Mirror Image broke. I couldn't stop laughing. I had to pause the video for 5 minutes I was laughing so hard. These are awesome.

  16. God she is cute, having now seen the whole video I must say Miss Lady, you are adorable!
    I love your hair,
    that dress and, all those bad jokes…… I actually do like bad jokes like how do elephants hide in strawberry patches?
    They paint their toenails red 😁

  17. i love it, absolutely love it XD Ginny is always so nice so that even adds to the video, definitly stealing some of those 😀

  18. "I didn't realize Tasha also had an uncontrollable hideous daughter. Nice to meet you!"

    These weren't quite as good as your pick-up lines video, though I snickered at a couple. The delivery might be better if you didn't do "are you…? Because…" as the form factor for all of them. The best insults (especially for humor purposes) feel like they could work into a conversation as a zinger rather than being a set-up.

    My favorite, though, was "Are you true strike? Because you're useless!"

  19. After listening to several minutes of you insulting me in ways that make me laugh myself to death, I have decided to subscribe.

  20. Yes I know. Is no secret that I am an unknowably ancient Lich but I prefer to say I like retro and vintage stuff.

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