– Billy Idol, “Rock the Cradle” that was my first
foray into jerking off. – That was huge, big one. – Yeah, that was wild.
– And the girl dancing in the video, that
a big, big one. – Bring it up, let’s jerk off to it.
– And it’s like, still, now, my thing, ’cause
it’s like a nerd guy and they’re like kicking
his ass a little bit. – Yeah.
– Can you please do rock the cradle of love? – It’s still what
I’m looking for. – What, Billy Idol singing
in the pictures on the wall? – He goes, ay, Joe, go get ’em. – Yeah, he’s stuck
in the phantom realm with Superman too.
– Yeah. He goes, I can’t get
out, I’m stuck in here. – Yeah, I still want a
girl to break my glasses and stick her heel
in my ass, you know. – Yeah.
– What? (hard rock music) (fire crackling) – Welcome back to The Bonfire. Comedy Central
Radio, Sirius XM95. I’m Dan Soder, that’s
Big Jay Oakerson. Joining us from the Tuesdays
with Stories podcast, Mark Norman landed late, so he’s not gonna
be able to make it, but Joe List is here. (audience cheering) – Thank you. – Joe, meet Juliya C. Juliya C., meet Joe.
– Juliya C., Joe. – Hi Joe.
– Nice to meet you. Thanks for having me.
– Juliya C., used to, goes a long, way back with Jay. Worked with Fuse,
got to interview a lot of awesome metal bands and we learned could pee anywhere.
– Almost anywhere, without being detected. – Oh interesting.
– Ninja pee. – I’m the opposite,
I can’t pee anywhere. – That’s the elevator
pitch on Juliya C. – There we go.
– This is gonna be my claim to fame, gonna be like, remember that time
on that show– – I’m gonna put you in my phone as girl that can pee anywhere. – Amazing. – It’s pretty cool. – So glad.
– But actually, she was saying that she doesn’t get hangovers if you drink, if you get
hammered every night, or if you drink. – No, no.
– What? – If you have a few everyday
when you do get hammered, it doesn’t shock
your system as much. – Got it.
– Oh. – Were gonna keep
perverting her idea. – Yeah.
– So you’re saying, if you just get sloshed
from open eyes to shut eyes you’re fine?
– She’s saying, if you stay drunk, eventually, you aren’t drunk, ’cause
that’s just who you are. – It’s not even gonna matter, your family’s all
left you anyway. – That’s what it is. But I was telling them
about how a lot of us used to joke around
about when you and I wouldn’t drink for one night. We would see each
other the next day and be like, look at us. – Yeah, I’d take breaks. I used to have a thing
where I would say, I didn’t drink last night
and someone was like, well, what do you
mean, you had a beer. And I was like, yeah, no,
I had a beer and a shot and then another beer,
but I didn’t drink. – Yeah.
– That’s what you need to not have a hangover
when you do drink, is that. That beer and shot duo,
that’s not drinking. – Didn’t work out for me.
– That would be maintaining. – Eventually, I hit 30, I started having some
horrible hangovers and also shitting in
people’s homes and shoes. – Yeah, you could pee anywhere.
– Carpets, some other things. – He could pop anywhere. – Yeah.
– I’ve never peed in anybody’s shoes, dude. – I bet you could
get money to shit in someone’s shoes though. – Probably.
– Are you kidding me, with the way, yeah. – [Jay] Oh, you jump in
the right Reddit forum. – My time has passed
for that but– – I never pissed in
anyone’s shoes either, I shit in their shoes,
I’m not an animal. You don’t piss in a shoe. – [Dan] Yeah, that stains. – You take a big
lug, you dump in it. – Yeah and not a watery one, one that you could just
pick out with your fingers. – No, it was a fiber dump. – Oh buddy.
– It was a double tapered little baby leg. – I wanted to ask Juliya
before the show too. She probably interviewed
my favorite rockstar. – Yeah.
– Maybe yours. – Possibly.
– Maybe. Josh Homme? – Yeah, I have.
– Yeah? – Absolutely.
– Awesome. – [Jay] How was that? Tell us he did something
terrible to you and break Dan’s heart?
– No, don’t say that. – What’d he do,
super racist, right? – None of that, it
wasn’t that interesting. He was very, very polite and– – Yes.
– Was very cool and– – Yes, really don’t
have any story about that one whatsoever.
– Thank you. – It also doesn’t help
when I interview bands onset of Fuse versus on
tour in their element where they feel
comfortable to open up. – Where did you
interview him at? – In the studio,
in Fuse Studios. – Okay.
– A couple of times. So then, it’s kind of like, hey. And he’s like hey and
the lights are on you, so it’s not.
– Yeah. – You don’t get
that raw from that. – [Jay] It feels very on TV. – Now you interviewed
Marilyn Manson. – Oh, lots of times too.
– Lots of times. Have you interviewed
Marilyn Manson on tour and in the studio? – Oh yes, yes, yes. – Okay.
Oh yes. – Which was more
interesting, the tour? – I mean, the after party. – Yeah, (chuckles). Crazy? – Cocaine and absinthe all
the way and hot chicks. I mean, what’s the problem? – Isn’t it a shame now that
he’s just like a chubby weirdo? Bums me out every
time I see him. – No, man, he’s done
enough cool shit that it’s forgivable,
that he’ a chubby– – [Jay] I know, but you know– – Now he’s just that
weird amazing musician. – Like go retire in
London or something, man. get the fuck outta here. (laughing) – Hey, Marilyn,
everyone’s bummed out you’re drinking so much
absinthe during the day. (harmonic humming) – All right, I know
you can handle it, I’m not saying you
can’t handle it. I’m just saying maybe just
dial it back a little bit? (harmonic humming) Well, I live here to,
so I’m not gonna– (liquid splattering) – [Dan] How many
times have you– – Oh, he’s peeing on me. (exclaims) (harmonic humming) (exclaims) – How many times have
you ever seen him naked? – I’ve never seen
him naked, no, no. – Okay, I was wondering if
he was like on of those guys that just like, I feel
rockstars are much more open being nude around people,
strangers, I think. – Did you ever date one
of the musicians ever? Any of the main big guys? – No.
– No? – No.
– I think it’s nice that you think I’m a rockstar,
Dan, that’s really sweet. – Joe walks around naked. – I did a lot of nude walking. – Yeah
– It was fun. – Were you hammered?
– I’d say that was my thing. This was pre Times Up, so. – [Dan] It really was, Joe– – Time was not up. – Let me tell ya, if you
wanted to see a penis between 2000, for me,
2007 to 2000 fucking 12, if you wanted cock, go to List. – [Joe] Yeah, I loved it. – You could see some fucking– – You gotta let the guy
breathe a little bit. – [Dan] Yeah. – Well, that is also
interesting too. The stories you have
that you were like, oh, it was funny so
and so put his nuts in someone’s drink and
then gave it to him, is something that now like
would end a fucking career. – Yeah, so.
– And you were just going like, that’s funny. – I mean, listen, the
stuff that really goes on and the stuff that’s
really fun now, everything is so
politically correct and you can’t
really say anything ’cause people are
gonna get in trouble and some people you
wanna get in trouble, some people, not so much. – No, no, I get it,
but I’m saying like, it’s almost like,
you didn’t have, I’m not saying it never
happened to you, I don’t know, but I’m just saying
for the most part, a lot of those things, you’re just kinda
like laughing along. But I think now
it’s opportunistic where people are like, oh,
I can say this bothered me and it’ll get me in
the fucking newspapers. You know what I mean? – You’re asking me if
I wanna say about thing that bothered me? – No.
– During that time? – I didn’t assume
you were gonna say. What bothered you,
what hurt you? – [Dan] Did you do
anything to anyone that may be bothered now? – Was it when I gave you a Roman soldiers helmet on–
– Not that I remember. (laughing) Not that I remember, no. – Yeah, were you ever
blackout hammered and you woke up you’re like, I said some crazy
shit to somebody? – I mean, I used to get
blackout hammered a lot and usually that is exactly
what I was worried about. I’m like, was I on camera and was anything
stupid said on camera? – [Jay] Have you ever seen it? – Where there was footage
of you fucking blacked out and you’re like, oh? – Well, I’ve seen
footage of me blacked out and usually, I do
the exact same stuff that I would do otherwise, which is kinda just
like stumble around and be loud and be
like (groans) whatever. – Public urination? – Public urination, certainly. But I do fall down the stairs, I used to fall down the
stairs because I just– – Like Chevy Chase.
– Yeah. – So nobody ever, thank God
nobody ever had like a– – Juliya C.’s big pratfall. – Nobody had any dirty
stories about me ever. But it was like, she
feel down the stairs and then got up and picked up
that beer and kept walking. – That’s pretty cool. – She took a job,
fell flat on her face and then got up and
had it together. – Let’s start one. Could we say, you fucked four of the five fingers
of Death Punch? – No.
– All right. Well–
– I used to keep going– – Christine, jump on my Twitter and delete that please. (laughing) Oh, I thought you were
gonna be on board with that, I already, (speaking away
from mic) that one out. – Yeah, I time tweeted that. It’s gonna come out right now. – I had that on Schedge. – I’ve fallen walking
upstairs holding a coffee and kept going,
that’s pretty cool. – I’ve fallen up the
stairs a lot too. – When you fall running
up the subway stairs. – It was kinda bad when
you fall off a tour bus and they think you
don’t have underwear on because you have black hair
and they think you don’t shave and then they spread that rumor. Meanwhile, you had
some black panties on. That’s just bullshit,
that’s happened. Had underwear on,
totally got a bad rep. – Oh, they thought you were
just a wholly mammoth huh? – Exactly. – Thought you had big bush. – So my producer, who’s
a dude, he’s like, those guys said you had a bush and I told them
that didn’t happen because I know
how often you wax. And I was like,
yeah, dude, yeah, no. That spreads like wildfire,
so that wasn’t very sexy. – He was like, so you
should probably show me. I’m gonna tell everyone. – I’m pro-bush, I
would never bush shame. – I am too, I would
never bush shame, unless we saw on the– – Can you show our guests? Could you show Juliya and
Joe our lovely bush pictures? – Yeah, there is a point
where it gets out of hand. – [Dan] This woman
here, I was like yeesh. – Oh wow.
– I don’t mind a full bush, but that’s not what’s
happening here. – Well, yeah, you don’t
want over full bush. – That’s a problem. – Well, that looks like a boy. – Nope, oh, yuck. – That’s a messy situation. (laughing) – It’s weird to watch Joe,
’cause (laughing while talking). – Wow.
– You don’t happen to have a marker do you? – Oh my goodness.
– That’s crazy. – Yeah. – Is that too much bush?
– Okay. No, I don’t like
that kind of bush. I don’t like a chest bush (exclaims
or a nipple bush. – She would do well as a carni. – Yeah, I mean, I guess. – Career out there.
– That’s really her only career option– – But I’m saying–
– Oh my word. – Looking at these pictures. Here’s what’s crazy,
looking at these pictures, somebody went damn,
you’re sexy, oh. – Absolutely. – Let me suck on
that hairy titty. – No one’s ever made me
feel confident enough to take a picture
like that myself. – Oh, so true.
– Someone went, you’re beautiful. – There’s at least 10 people
that are into everything. – Yeah.
– Minimum, 10. Like shit in my mouth and
then chew it, blow a bubble. There’s at least 10 to 11 guys, that are like, oh,
that’s my thing. – I say it’s a low number, I
say it’s a very low number. – Do you think there’s
10 piss in my ears guys? – Oh yeah.
– Piss in my ear. – No, I’d say there’s zero. piss in the ear would not be, it’s ridiculous.
– You’re only gonna find– – [Dan] There’s no
erogenous zones? – No. – I’m saying there’s
eight in this room. (laughing) Piss in the ear,
that might be nice. – No.
– No, I have no– – I worry about my ears. – Urine things but, nothing– – No water sports? – I tried to– (laughing) I tried to have, I may have
told this story before, but I had my girlfriend
in high school, we showered together once. – Yeah.
– And she was like, I gotta pee, it
wasn’t even sexual. I was like, just pee
on me, I wanna feel it. And then it was so warm and
syrupy like she was dehydrated. – Ew.
– And it was like caramel. – It was that thick, yeah.
– I was like, ah. Drink some water and– (groaning) – You had Mountain
Dew piss on you. – It was laying on
you like cake writing. – It was gross, it
was like egg yolk. – She was, oh my gosh,
it was more of a– – Egg yolk.
– It was more of a laying down than a spilling. – It was weird, I was
like, you need to get an IV or something,
very dehydrated – She was like, can I
sit down real quick, I’m getting spots? – All of my, any pee
involvement play sexually that’s ever happened to
me has been in the shower. – Yeah.
– Always. – Safe.
– Same here. But I wasn’t into it. Although I heard
squirting is urine, a good portion of urine. – Most of it’s urine. – [Joe] That’s what I’ve heard. – It’s like the fluid
without the piss. – Ah, that’s like life. – Yeah.
– The fluid without the piss. – Semen without cum.
– Or else it wouldn’t always be clear.
– Or semen with out sperm. – You know what I mean? It wouldn’t always
be clear then. – Right.
– Do you know what I mean? It’s always clear. If it’s not clear,
she peed on you. – Yeah.
– ‘Cause she wants you to stop whatever the awful thing you’re
doing with your fingers is. – Yeah, stop wearing
her like a puppet. – Or she’s marking
you permanently. – [Dan] Yeah,
that’s a good point. – The guys who go
it’s definitely piss, it was like, yeah,
with that chick, it was definitely piss,
the one that got ya, that turned you off
of this completely. – ‘Cause I talk
about, reverse bukkake is like my all time fantasy. I just want like 70 women
to fire it in my face. But a bunch of guys or
a couple guys have– – Would you have a face
like a dog out a window? – Oh yeah, I’d just
get right in there. – Have you, you
definitely have, I’m sure. – My cheeks flapping. – Have you ever
watched that porn? It’s the funniest porn ever. – Bring it up, bring it up! – It’s just girls
waiting to buy something and then they go and
just basically just like, they just piss on his face and yell at him
and then walk away. And the guy decides
to go (exclaims). (laughing) – Should we have them
out to film Santa Con? – I mean, that would be great. – You guy know we’re
going Santa hunting right. – Yeah. – Do you wanna make this the
behind the scenes documentary, life of the Santa hunter? (upbeat rock music) (fire crackling) Hi, I’m Dan Soder. – This is a recruitment video.
– I learned Santa wasn’t real when I was seven years old. – This is a recruitment
video right here. We, I don’t think,
I’m not sure– – Do you wanna make it like– – I’m not sure of the
legalities on this, but we’re doing it,
we’re taking over the East Village on Santa Con. – Super soakers.
– Oh yeah. – Water, tap water. – Already had a fan tell
me he’s got two unopened of the syringy ones I
wanna do, the real hosers. – Those are the sawed off
shotguns of water guns. – They are the sawed off
shot guns, yeah, buckshot. – Buckshot that–
– Pow! – I’m not gonna lie, dude, I’m thinking about a
water balloon specialist. – Yeah– – I’m gonna have one,
I’m gonna have a shirt holding it and then just
walking and throwing, walking and throwing. Walking and throwing. – I want Black Lou to John
Wick karate with guns. – Oh my God.
– Like little handguns. Everything is going
ka, ka-ka, ka. – Laying down between
the two guards. And all these just
drunk Santas like, what are you doing? Why you even doing that? Why are you even
fucking doing that? (mimicking water gun squirting) – Like running up
a car and jumping. – I’m John Woo,
dude, full John Woo. – Maybe not running. – Which is like
the old director. – I’m gonna have a– – Like crazy.
– We’re gonna have Justin release a dove (laughs). – (mimicking dove
cooing) That’d be great. Dude, how great would it
be if the first Santa’s– – Street birds.
– That they let ’em go behind us, me and
you standing there. (laughing) We’re going full “Boondocks
Saints” on fucking Santa. Christmas time, yeah,
I’m excited for this. – Watch out Santas, I’d say
steer clear of the East Village, or if you do–
– No, I wouldn’t say that. – Don’t get drunk. – I would say be a
Santa, but be polite, or else we’re gonna
come hunt you. – We’re not hosing
off the polites, but there is very few polites. – Santa gets naughty around– – East Village is mad. – Oh we’re gonna doing 2:00 p.m. We’re not dropping
in at 11:00 a.m. We’re going for the zombies. – Right. – Oh, I thought we’d even go, I thought we were
picking dark, like six. – Oh, yeah, you wanna go
under the night cover? – Yeah, I really wanna come out. – Oh dude, I’m just afraid
one of us will get shot by the NYPD.
– That’s the dregs. – Not at all, dude. But I’m telling you, these
drunk Santas will have a solidarity we
don’t understand. And when one’s
getting just rinsed– – Could be like zombies. – When one’s get rinsed, dude, another one’s coming
over to stop it. (laughing) – Oh dude, they’re
gonna be soaked. – What are you doing,
that’s not cool. Isn’t it, (exclaims). – Hey, what are
you doing to Noah? Stop, it’s getting through. – You’re right, it’s always
gotta be head on a swivel. – Can I tell you right now? – Guys, guys, it’s
cold, it’s cold, guys. – You have to keep your
head on the swivel. – Could I tell you where
I’m going every time? Ankles, I coming
to sock you soak, soak your socks, let
me do that again. Let me get that again. – Go ahead, take two. – Take two, ready?
– Go. – I’m coming to soak your socks. (exclaims) That’s pretty badass. Put some metal under that,
maybe some Dead Evil. – Not me, if I get that
on the back your shirt. (exclaims) And see a bunch of
Santas walking like this. (exclaims)
(laughing) – Yeah, but here’s the deal,
once they finally adapt, Jay, here’s the– – Dude, what your fucking
problem, just, ay. – It’s a lot of this, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. – Yeah, do that, do the walk.
– Stop, stop. – It’s gonna be so cold.
– Stop, stop, stop. But when they finally
adjust to yours, guess who’s is gonna pop up? It’s your boy, Ankle Soder. – Oh, Ankle Soder is
gonna ruin your day. – ‘Cause you’re just
walking like this and go, (squelching) can
we just go home? – Oh, you don’t wanna go home,
you’d definitely get the flu. – I wanna go home,
I wanna go home. – Smart.
– I wanna go home. I wanna go home. – All right, let’ go warm up. Recruitment video over. Come join us December
14th, East Village, we’re taking back the city.
– Join us or die. – Join us or get, no. – I think I said, had to
throw it off you think. – Scale it back a little. – [Andy] Can I drink
the whole time? – Yes.
– All right, good. – Yeah, I love the irony. – Yeah, the irony.
– They’re gonna be like, your friend’s fucking hammered. – I know, I know, right. – He’s not dressed
like an asshole. – [Andy] All right, let’s do it. – He’s not destroying
an icon’s name. – Yeah, there’s nothing saintly about the way you’re
behaving, sir. (fire crackling) We were having such a fun
discussion before the show today and we wanted to
hold it for the show. And it’s a very, Juliya,
are you attracted to women? – Yes. – [Jay] At all, so it doesn’t– – Damn, it’s not the same.
– It doesn’t work in that way. That’s why it’s gotta
be a guy’s question. But it’s, there’s guys
assume in the world, where you go, that’s
a good looking guy. – Yes. – And you are a straight man.
– Yes. – As am I, as is Dan, I believe
DJ Lou, also a straight man. – Unless he’s into some weird eyes wide shut parties
that we don’t know about. – Maybe some weird kink shit. Like, you know, reverse bukkake, proceed if you would please. – Yeah, queue it up. We got some reverse
bukkake for you Joe List. – [Joe] Thank you,
I appreciate that. – Juliya, avert your
eyes or indulge. (laughing) And or indulge. – Let yourself– – Oh, there it is.
– See, I like that. Right there, I want
someone to hold my face. – Give him the biz. – [Dan] Here it
comes, oh squirt time. – HighSlut.com. What’s going on, guys? – They’re taking so
long to get to it. I mean, come on, squirt, these
girls aren’t professional. – By the way, that dude’s
– I only want professionals. – Get it, get it. – Oh shit.
– Pa-chow. That’s piss, this
has to be piss. – [Jay] I mean, by the
angle it’s gonna be, she’s gonna shart in his face. – [Joe] I know,
what are you doing? – This is not a good reverse
bukkake, Christine, I– – I like that they’re on the
set of “Save By The Bell”. (laughing) I think that’s–
– is this Bayside High? – Mr. Belding is
gonna come, guys, we got “Valley” in
fucking 30 minutes. (laughing) I don’t know what the fuck. – Yes.
– Yeah. (woman moans) Oh, all right, I’m
sorry, I’m sorry. – Christine, your
reverse bukkake finding skills are for shit. – Dude, that girl to
the right is so funny, ’cause she’s doing nothing. – Oh, there it is, yeah.
– Yeah. – The whole angle’s wrong.
– Look at the girl, look at the girl. – Sometimes they do it right.
– Dude, look at the girl in the middle, she’s just
licking the outside of her butt. She’s doing nothing. – Yeah.
– What are you doing? You’re slapping her
leg, you weirdo. – There it is.
– There you go. There’s the action.
– There you go. – There’s the nostril I wanted. Oh, Mindy Kaling. – [Dan] Oh look. (laughing) – Oh yes.
– Oh, i know, I can’t believe it. (exclaims)
– Oh yeah. (water splashing) That’s what I’m talking about. – I’ve talked to enough
porn stars by the way, I’mma give you a little
insider information there. Most of these girls
are not doing it, for the sake of the shot, they are like squirting
water up inside of them, and then walking over
and fucking, just like pushing it out of ’em.
– I’ll take it. That’s all right,
you gotta hydrate. – Hey whatever–
(exclaims) – Yeah.
– Oh, there it is. What a fucking water balloon
amount of pussy juice. – Dan, why don’t you
grow the fuck up? – Me lovie.
– Me lovie. – [Dan] She goes,
what’s, oh is that– – Man, I’ll tell you
what, those are not, oh, maybe it was
the paused screen. Those were bad tits. – Think it was
all right, thanks. Anyways, can I get you a towel? Hey, what’s up? – Even if I had a good stomach
and a big awesome dick, still don’t think I’d go
with a full shaved dick. It’s just weird, it’s weird. It shows too much,
when girls pull on it and it get those two
side neck things on it, you know what I mean,
looks like a, I don’t know. – He’s also got a soft cock. Like get me in there, I’d
be hard the whole time. – Yeah.
– This guy’s not even enjoying it. – Well, dude, have
you ever gotten piss in your eyes, dude, it stings. – You ever got
pussy water boarded? It’s a lot, it’s a lot. You give up information
pretty quickly. – He’s talking right now, he’s gonna give his mom’s
address in a second. – [Dan] He goes, yeah, she– – She lives (exclaims). – He goes, you American–
– 2323 (exclaims). – You American pigs,
you American pigs will not stop the
jihad, I’ll (gags). – My dick was soft, it
would just lay across my leg like that, yeah. – We should get this
instead of a last– – That is not a tome. – Instead of last meal on
death row, you should get that. – Oh yeah.
– A nice last bukkake. – You wish.
– We’re bringing your final bukkake. – All right Winston, you
raped and murdered a family. You can either have the
new Popeyes sandwich or we can have
Gloria come in here and squirt in your face. – He’s like I would like
pussy juice from the tap. – Then he goes, deal, hey, hi Well, hey there, stranger. Someone saw someone
saw the camera, she keeps looking over. – Hey.
– Yeah. – [Joe] Now he’s
getting his dick sucked. – I’ve never seen
a fish tank look– – You know what, she’s
getting frustrated ’cause you can’t see off camera, he keeps going find
your light, Roxanne. – Yeah.
– Find your light. – Okay, Roxanne.
– You gotta find your light. – [Dan] A little to the
left, a little to the left. – You’re not finding
your light for me, I gave you a mark,
it’s all I could do. We’re working on a
limited schedule here. We got to be outta here when they’re shooting “Saved
By The Bell” in a second. – He goes, guys,
we have, I mean, Screech shows up,
we have to bail. – Yeah, oh, you get
double D in here Dustin diamond comes in here, this is gonna turn up. – Yeah, so–
– This is hot. – Yeah.
– Yeah, yeah I’m gonna piss on you’re feet.
– Anyway, so there, we gave you that. – [Joe] I appreciate that. – Oh, look at this. – That’s a straight, that’s
more of a buckshot right there. – Yeah, that’s fucking head
to the fucking wood chipper. (mimicking wood chipper buzzing) (laughing) (mimicking wood chipper buzzing) – Hands up. (mimicking wood chipper buzzing) – Dude, I would do that
if I was holding his head. (mimicking wood chipper buzzing) (laughing) (mimicking wood chipper buzzing) – Oh Jesus, she’s
really enjoying it ’cause she wouldn’t
make that face. (exclaims)
– Oh yeah. (whooping)
(clapping) (water splattering)
– Look at the water slide. – [Joe] That’s like,
that came on a weird– – Pressure wasn’t really
on on that faucet. – What the fuck
was going on there? – Yeah, that was–
– It’s like a shower in a motel.
(laughing) – Underwhelming water pressure. – That’s like the feeling when
your water gets turned off and you’re in the shower. You go, ay, what’s going on? – That has to be how
girls feel though when guys are like, you
ready, where do you want it? And you call out, even
if you get a call, there’s nothing worse than
a girl calling out face and you’re like, what and
then it doesn’t make it anywhere near, it just gets
like an inch or two up. And you’re like
(inhales audibly) and you’re like, I
just go on there belly and I do like this,
go, (squelches). (laughing) – [Dan] And up and up. – I flicked the puddle
with my fingers. I go sorry, oh, (squelches). – And up.
– There we are. Well, there you go, any
porn producers listening, listen to Joe, if you
do a reverse bukkake he’ll be stiffer than a board. – Yeah, get me in there. I’m in the Screen Actors Guild. – It’s not even cheating, dude, you’re just sit there
getting fucking pissed on. – Yeah, it’s a union gig and
there’s women pissing on me. – [Dan] Yeah, I’ll
tell you what– – Oh, it’s SAG all the way. – Everyone on that
crew has benefits. – [Jay] Yeah, you’ll
get dental this year. – That’s pretty nice. – The question we
were asking was, so when you say a man
is a good-looking man. – Yes.
– You can acknowledge that. Do you find when you say that, generally speaking, it’s
almost I’m asking like, how you find your type. Do you think is this,
so if you were gay, is this the type of guy you’d
be picking, is it a type? – I suppose so, yeah. – [Dan] What’s your type? – I feel like, when I
say guys are handsome, I think I have a
type to some sort. – I think I kinda
have a type too. – Well, here’s the thing that, I think I’ve told this story
before, to you at least. I was one time in LA at
the Riot Festival in 2012. – I remember that, I think,
yeah, I was there with you. – It was the night of– – Oh no, 2014.
– It was like the night of the Emmys or something. And Kiefer Sutherland left
the party and came Downtown. He was at the same
bar where we were at and he had a tux with no jacket, black suspenders,
bowtie still on. He was smoking inside,
he was playing pool and he was like
running the table. – And he coulda had you. He could had you–
– And he had like tight black pants.
– Right there. – And he kept like, he talked and then he would take
the cigarette out. He’s doing that and he
kept calling his shot. And I remember
being like actually, physically attracted to him. I was like this is, it’s hot. – You wanted him to grab
you by the small your back and pull you into him. And he goes, go upstairs
let me give you the 24. – Yeah, I really, I really, I was more of a
“Young Guns” guy. – Then he goes, that’s my
six inch dick four times or my 12-inch dick twice. – It was, yeah. – You’ll have to cum for me now. Come get this young gun. – Yeah.
– The one that shoots and old load. – Oh, Kiefer Sutherland
in “Lost Boys” coulda definitely gotten a
piece of this ass, for sure. – He’s gonna get it. – I’m ’bout to go down
in a blaze of glory. But it was more than, it
was everything he was doing. – See, I wasn’t
Kiefer in “Lost Boys”, I was more Mike– – Him?
– Jason, Jason– – Alexander, Jason Alexander. – No.
– Jason Patric? – Jason Alexander, I’d
suck on those nips. He was cool-looking too, but
Kiefer was the dude, man. – Jason was his name, Patric? – Patric.
– Yeah, Jason Patric was my guy.
– Yeah, – But Kiefer, the way
he moved was sexy. – Yeah, he moved like a panther. – He was smoking sexy,
he was dressed sexy. – By the way, you
will lose that. – Do you think he was
smoking a cigarette and he went over there
half way through the pool and he goes, (inhales audibly)
that guy in the glasses is eye fucking me,
it’s freaking me out. – How long ago was it? – This is 2012, so
I was drinking still and I think if he came up to me and was like, I would like
for you to suck my dick– – You woulda done it? – I would’ve went down
in a blaze of glory, if you know what I mean. – I do know what you mean. – [Dan] Look at
you, look at you. – Double entendre, one of Jon
Bon Jovi’s finest solo works. – Now, if we’re picking– – I love that album.
– If we’re pick “Young Guns” that we’re gonna fuck, I’m
a Lou Diamond Phillips guy. – Well, of course, he’s exotic. Dan likes an exotic bird. – I like that, I like
a real exotic bird. I like a colorful bird,
if you know what I mean. – Not me, I’m going
Estevez, dude. I’m taking the kid. – Whoa.
– Wow. – He likes–
– No, no, I’d never, never an Estevez guy.
– Small and hairless. – Never liked his hair. – Yeah.
– Emilio Estevez has shitty hair. – Lou Diamond Phillips sucks. – I’m talking about young LDP. – Yeah, he looks like a–
– La Bomba, young. – Boy.
– Shut up. – This album is underrated. He’s a man.
– No, it’s not. – It’s a great album
I love this album. – He’s a man.
– The “Young Guns II” soundtrack or Jon
Bon Jovi’s solo? – No, “Young Guns
II” soundtrack. I love that song–
– Come on. ♪ Hey, Patty, get ♪ – How cool was Kiefer
Sutherland in “Lost Boys”? – Oh man, give me
Jason Patric any day. – Kiefer’s hot,
Kiefer’s my type. – There’s my guy. What, come on!
– I love him. – Yeah, look at him. – You guys are different people. You guys are not cut
from the same cloth. – No, that’s why we
work so well together ’cause I would have two– – You guy would be good
wingmen at a gay party. – I would have two golden
retrievers with Jason. – And I dress like that now. – Yeah. (laughing) That looks like Kiefer
and Jay are like, Jay’s my brother and they
come to my gay wedding even though we’re both gay and they’re like did you
ever fuck each other. Like totally different tastes. – I wonder if there’s
a photo of Kiefer– – Dan, do you want some noodles? – I go–
– You’re like, they’re worms. – They’re only noodles, Daniel. – I go (gasps). – I wonder there’s a
2012 Emmy Award photo of Kiefer Sutherland. I want the tux.
– Bring it up. Bring it up.
– I want Kiefer in the tux. – 2012 Emmys, Kiefer Sutherland. – It might not have
been the Emmys, it was something
where he had a tux on. – Well, that’s vague. – Yeah dude.
– Coulda been the GQ Man of The Year award. – Give me a Kiefer tuxedo. – He might have been doing
a tequila commercial. – Right here?
– Oh, that might have been it. – No way.
– Ew. – Ew.
– What? – That old fucking geezer,
after I just showed you– – Gross.
– Hot ass David from “The Lost Boys”? – God dude, I’d rather,
give me 2002 Jack Bauer. – Goddamn, bro. – This is not, he’s
got the jacket on. You gotta picture him no jacket, bent over playing pool.
– No. – Gross.
– Nah, dude. – With a cigarette.
– Gros, dude. Who likes fucking New
England Patriots Randy Moss versus Minnesota
Vikings Randy Moss? – I thought he was Bob Newhart. – Yeah, ugh, all
that fucking carpet. He look like Droopy
The Dog on the sides. – Yeah.
– I don’t appreciate you guys Kiefer shaming me. – Look at my guy, look at Jason, look at “Lost Boys”– – Oh yeah, look at Kiefer, dude, fucking business up
top party in the back. – No.
– But look at Jason, look at my sweet
boy Jason Patric. – Double jacket, Judd
Nelson style, double jacket. – Too much danger,
can we got to Jason. Look at that, look at those
abs on the left, come on. – No, come on, come on.
– He’s whatever. He looks like you. – I’ll be honest with you, Dan, this guy’s too cookie cutter. – Sometimes the
perfect relationships, you look a lot like
the other person. – Now David, oh man,
hey, I’ll tell you what, I’ll get reverse bukkake by
that power party right there. – I’ll tell you what, fuck a
reverse, give me a regular. – No, I mean I
wanted to shit on me. (laughing) – No, I mean flip it. – I mean a 180 bukkake. – Jason Patric
looks a little bit like Travolta in that photo. Not that photo.
– Sweet. – Yeah, look at that.
– Body’s nice. – Yeah, look at my
guy, that’s my guy. Now look at him–
– He aged better, I’ll give him that. – Thank you.
– Than Kiefer, yeah. – You know what, I’ll
tell him you said so. (laughing) – He did age better. – When you go home
to him tonight? – You know, when I’m driving out to Fire Island to our place. I have to see Murphy and
Bandit, our golden retrievers. – By speed, you didn’t give– – Look at that,
look at that, dude. Look at that. – [Jay] Oh man. – That’s my present to myself. (laughing) – Happy birthday. – He’s not a bad boy. – If you don’t take care of
yourself, who will, right. – [Dan] Yeah, right. – I want a bad boy.
– I don’t want a bad boy. – I want Kiefer to hold
my ankles up in the air and just fucking smash it. – But you want old Kiefer
when it’s gonna be, he’s gonna get tired quick, he’s gonna have a cigarette
butt hanging out if his mouth. – He’s got a kid from
a previous marriage before he could be himself. – Yeah. You gotta hear all that
shit, but not that. Look at that young untapped
“Lost Boys” Kiefer Sutherland. That’s a guy who comes in
and fucks you with angst. – Yeah you’re talking about– – He does coke off
the small your back. – That’s my sweet prince, bring
up your guys’ devil child. My sweet boy. – Does this ever happen
with gay missionary sex, which is which is odd. Aren’t the balls in the way? Like couldn’t you
get your balls? Because my ball bag, if
I’m laying on my back with my legs in
the air my balls– – They’re over your butt?
– Are draped over my asshole. – You have soggy balls.
– I think classically, you go doggy style. so your nuts do that like
fucking thing at the– – Oh, that.
– That’s how also, you keep pace, that’s how your– – [Jay And Joe]
It’s a metronome. – Yeah.
– It’s a metronome, yeah. (laughing) – All right guys, fucking
round and round in four four. (clicking tongue) (mimicking guitar strumming) – You know that’s why gay men
always cum at the same time, they time it out. – All right, hey, nut
sacks, count us in. (laughing)
(clicking tongue) – I need more cowbell please. – Count me out, count me
in with your nut sack. (clicking tongue) Oh dude, look at us
different tastes. – So what, dude, keep it
friendly for both of us. – That’s how you guys
are gonna say friends. – You’re right.
(exclaims) – There it is.
(laughing) – Look at the balls– – Is that them?
– they’re in danger. – I don’t know if they’re
in danger, they’re resting. – Well, they’re resting up
’cause he’s got ’em bent back. – Well, he’s got ’em pinned. Yeah, look, you’re not gonna go, you can’t go missionary, like you can’t have his legs
wrapped around your waist, that’s not gonna work out, Joe. The nuts are then gonna
be in the way, yeah. He’s keeping, Dan, stop
looking at it for the gay, and take the science in. – You’re right.
– The thing is, oh, we lost Brian in
the corner, shut down. – I feel like the first one, that guy can lock you
into a triangle choke. And you’ve been taking
Brazilian Jujitsu. – Yeah, I know the triangle. – [Dan] Yeah, that guy
gets you in a triangle. – The guy’s been
very vulnerable. For getting fucked in the ass, he’s in dominant
position technically. – [Dan] Yeah, I mean, he’s
controls the hip power. That’s full guard, he’s
getting fucked in full guard. – He’s gonna sink
that triangle in good and this guy is going outski. I’d tell what, the
guy on the bottom, not enjoying it man, he
is just tugging taffy, that thing is not
even sort of woken up. – That was actually the–
– Maybe he’s camera-shy. – Come on, I’m not gay okay–
– So you– – Also when he pulls his
dick, when he lets it go, it should make a cow moo. – Yeah.
(mimicking cow mooing) This is what the cow says. (mimicking cow mooing) So you like a bad boy,
you like an older bad boy, an old Kiefer Sutherland? – Well, again it was
like lightning, man. It just hit me, like I
wasn’t looking for a man. – Yeah.
– I was just at a party and he was running that table. It was doing things to me, it tied me up in knots. – That’s funny, I didn’t
walk into that bar looking the fall in love – You didn’t wanna know, he goes that son
of a bitch, Cupid, he just came in and
slapped me across the face. (mellow rock music) There’s your older
gentleman caller. Look at him, look at
him, he goes, hey, Joe. – Jesus Christ dude,
he is ruddy faced now. That is rough.
– He’s got an ashtray face. – Come on, dude.
– You didn’t see it live, man. – No man.
– It’s ’cause you were still drinking.
– Yeah, that was– – This is 2019,
that’s seven years. – I hate to say it, dude,
that leather jacket’s got some cracks in it, goddamn. – Let’s see how he looks
seven years from now. You gotta give me 2012 Kiefer. – 2012.
– To answer your question, yes, I do own a lot
of purple clothing. – It’s, do I sleep
in silk shirts, yes. – Dude, he’s got that bulb
nose, that’s my biggest fear and that’s why I Biore
charcoal strip often. – That’s called the bulb nose is called the gin
blossom, all right. – Yes, I just learned that. – Yeah because of alcoholism. – Yeah.
– I love the gin blossoms. – I don’t have alcoholism
but my dad doesn’t either and my dad got the bulb,
I don’t know what it was. – That’s 2012?
– That’s much better, yeah. – Now give me ’02. – His house smells of
rich mahogany, obviously, in that photo.
– Yeah, absolutely. That guy get–
– Oh yeah, it’s definitely gonna
be Scotch the cigars in that place for sure. – He’s definitely gonna
take Joe on a bear rug. The first time, Joe’s
gonna have his hands out on the bear rug and then– – Joe, meet Kiefer,
I have to have you. – And then Kiefer’s hands
are gonna come over Joe’s as they’re on the rug. – I think this is gonna be–
(gasps) I think this is gonna be big. I wouldn’t mind
Donald Sutherland. I’ll show you out break. Hmm, is that big, huh, guys? – [Dan] That’s pretty
good, that’s pretty good. – That herpes. (laughing) – Yeah.
– Damn. – Give me Jack Bauer ’02. What’s ’02 Kiefer– – You guys are reaching to
try to make them handsome. – Oh my God! – Man, you know what it was,
I think it might’ve been 2002. I think I fucked up.
– Nah, man. – It was 2002 Emmys.
– No. – [Dan] We each get own Kiefer. You got old–
– you guys are stretching Kiefer out, I’m
telling you, you gotta go– – Oh, I hope.
– I think maybe it did– – I hope I stretch him out. – It might stop, no, no,
he could accept all of you. He’s a man, you think you’re
gonna stretch him out, dude? No, he’ll know exactly what
to do, breathe into it. – He goes like, he goes,
is that all you got, hmm? – Saw a video of a
girl this morning on one of the sites
I go on sitting on with her ass a horse dildo. – [Dan] That’s pretty
cool, look at that. Is that him?
– A horse dick dildo. It’s pretty impressive. – Shit, that’s my
guy, that’s my guy. – That’s nice–
– Don’t tell Jason Patric. – That’s 2002, he’s
already balding. I’m telling you,
it’s “Stand By Me” and “Lost Boys” those
are two he can get it. – He was in “The 24”–
– “Stand By Me”? – That’s so man of you,
just like when he’s young and then you just discard him. He had such a long
shelf life for you, you’re like like, moving along. – Juliya.
– Moving along. – Juliya, to
further that effect, I think you’ve seen in
my homosexual tendencies I’m looking for a partner. – Well, you’re a
bottom and he’s a top. – Hold your fucking mouth. – No, Dan, she was speaking.
– Just judging by the– – I mix it up.
– Let her talk. – She doesn’t know how I like it and I like it both ways. – You like it raw in
your shitter from dudes– – [Dan] Oh, baby, I like I raw. – Not me, I bag it and
I use a lot of spit. – That gross.
– But not so much you don’t know I’m in there. – [Dan] That’s
gross, Joe and I– – You’re gonna remember me. – Joe and I know are lovers
and we know our lovers’ tastes and it could be anything
some days I’m corn holed. Today I’m getting corn holed. – I’m gonna leave it in
after I finish inside of you (gasps) until my dick goes soft
and I’m gonna pull it out and so the condom sort
of stays in your butt and then I’m gonna pull that
out by itself afterwards. – You know what I call that? A raccoon tail. (laughing)