Nelson, from the moment you woke up in bed next to me and couldn’t remember my name I knew I had met someone special. And I was right. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I love you. Todd, I’m crazy… (Audience chuckles) And neurotic… (Audience murmurs agreement)
Okay. You know I’m not always the easiest person to be with but your love for me has always been unwavering. I love you. Now before the exchange of vows and rings does anyone know of any reason why these two gentlemen can not be joined in holy matrimony. Speak now or forever hold your peace. (Audience Gasps) (Gunshot) Todd! Todd! Somebody call an ambulance! Mr. and Mrs. Dorkoff, Nelson and I are so happy you made it out from Kansas City for our wedding shower. We can’t imagine being anywhere else, Ted. Doris, it’s Todd. Oh yes. Forgive me…Todd. It’s just that I’m a little overwhelmed. I’ve never been around this many gay people before. Don’t get me wrong. I have gay friends at home. I love gays. I love gay people! Mom… Well, I do! And they’re all here for you and Tom. It’s Todd, Doris! For christ’s sake. They’ve been together for three years. know that. Forgive me, Todd. It’s just that we’re finally getting to meet the man who swept our boy off his feet. The tiny little man. How tall are you anyway? I’m the same height as Tom Cruise. Who does he remind me of? The character from Lord of the Rings? Who am I thinking of, Sherman? It’s the warrior dwarf! Gimli?! Okay. Dad, why don’t you get Mom a drink? Oh that’s a great idea, son. That’s like pouring gasoline on a brush fire. I’m so sorry about my Mom. She can be a bit much. A bit much? She called me Gimli! Look, Todd, I warned you. My mother is overly emotional, high strung, completely overbearing. Thank god I take after my father. I’m going to blow right past that. I think it’s great that they’re here. I just don’t think she likes me very much. Are you kidding? She loves you. I just hope your family likes me. My family? What family? What are you talking about? Nelson, tell me you didn’t… I invited your brother Jimmy! You invited Jimmy? Yes. He’s very nice. But you know it was kind of hard to find him because of the whole last name thing. Why is your name not Delvecchio too? Because I changed my name to Stevens when I moved to LA so I would never have to see those people again. Nelson, you have to call him back right now and tell him not to come. Tell him the wedding’s off! Tell him I’m dead! Tell him anything! I can’t. Nelson, you have to! I can’t because he’s already here. Hey, Jimmy! Look! You guys are seriously breaking up? Yeah. We just decided we wanted different things. Yeah. I wanted a house in Palm Springs and he wanted the oral skills of Captain Coley’s college age son. Oh my god. I told you. He came onto me! Yeah, I heard you put up a big fight. (Clears throat) Captain Coley! You’re home early. This is not what it looks like. Yeah. That’s just shrinkage from the cold water. He’s actually much bigger. Son, I will always love you no matter what. And if you decide you want to suck on a Mexican penis the size of an elephant trunk, I will support you. Thanks, Dad. That’s really understanding, Captain. You are not my son. Your man whore ass is fired! Oh that made my day! You’re going to hear from my lawyer. I’m taking you for everything. Oh yeah, great. Good luck with that. Guess what? I have no severance package and I maxed out all my credit cards for your anal bleaching treatment that I got for your birthday. That was a gift for you! I had no idea it was this bad. Nelson, you were so good in that TV movie where you played the guy who shoplifted to pay for his internet porn addiction. Sticky Fingers! Yeah, that one. Your performance really moved me. Well, thank you. I actually had to watch eight hours of porn every day for a month to prepare for that role. My dick was so raw and chafed Todd and I couldn’t have sex for weeks. But I nailed the role and won Best Actor from a moderately trafficked internet blog site. Wow. It really touched my heart. Oh, heart? Since when do you have one of those? Honey, you never told me how charming your brother is. I never mentioned him at all. For a reason. Excuse me everybody. May I have your attention? I hope you’re enjoying your goat cheese truffles… Oh hell no! … as featured on my new show Cooking Time with Honey Garrett. You can also watch it on your handheld devices you’ve got there if you just download that On Demand app. Let’s just do it right now. Pull them out right now. Everyone has them. Okay! Back to the party! How dare you? Listen, Honey, the only reason we hired you is because Reggie begged us to so you guys could cross promote your two TV shows. Quit making this about you. This is my wedding shower! Yes, of course, Nelson. It makes perfect sense that with my career in the stratosphere and yours in the toilet that you would rather focus on your personal life and that poor sap you conned into marrying you. I didn’t con anybody! Todd loves me. I found happiness with a great guy and you are still all alone. Would you please let me introduce you to my boyfriend of three glorious sex-filled months? Eduardo! Hi. Nice to meet you. Are you the groom’s father? Oh cute. Oh and by the way, penga mas grande. That means massive penis! So Theo you and Nelson met while auditioning for the same parts? Yes. We actually run into each other all the time. We’re both in that same middle age character category. But what I love about our friendship is that there is never any competition between us. We never get jealous of each other and I just love seeing him so happy especially considering he hasn’t booked a job in quite some time. Oh, didn’t you hear? Nelson just got cast in a recurring role on the new Law and Order franchise. Law and Order: MRU. MRU? Male Rape Unit. It’s about men who get raped and sexually assaulted. It stars John Stamos and Terri Hatcher. Nelson plays the lab technician who swabs the assholes of the victims every week with a q-tip. He’s very excited about it. Oh. Wow. I could not be more happy for him. Good for him! Nelson! Why aren’t you drinking? It’s your wedding shower for god’s sake. Don’t tell anyone but I’m on my third glass already. Remember how we used to get so wasted together in college? Oh, Sandy, I am so glad that you made it. All this wedding stuff just wouldn’t be the same without my best friend. Are you kidding? I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. And Nelson, my god. that future husband of yours? Gorgeous! With that adorable face and that hairy chest and that perfect butt you just want to grab onto… Okay! I know he’s hot. What the hell is he doing here? Who? Dickie Calloway. I thought you two hated each other. Hello, Nelson. Dickie! How did you get in here? I put somebody out front with a guest list with strict instructions not to let anybody in who’s not on the list. And I can assure you your name is not on it! I know. But his is. He’s a friend of Todd’s from the gym. His name is Matt. I’m his plus one. Hi. You must be Todd’s father? No. Look. Hors d’oeuvres. It’s Costco, baby. It’s almost time for me to give my speech. Are you sure you don’t want me to do it with you? No! We agreed. We’re both the Best Man. But I’m doing the toast at the wedding shower and you’re doing the reception. I know. But you’re going to make jokes. And you make terrible jokes. I’m funny. I know you’re funny. But your humor doesn’t come from being witty. It’s born out of your natural stupidity. Well, at least we agree. Hello? Hey, everybody. Can you all gather around please? Everyone gather around up here. I’m going to make a toast for the groom and the groom. All right. Good afternoon, ladies and germs. Really? On behalf of Nelson and Todd I’d like to welcome you all to their wedding shower. My name is Wood and I am Todd’s best man. And Reggie over there is Nelson’s best man. I think I won that contest, right guys? Look how sweet they are holding hands. My last boyfriend told me I needed to show more affection. So I got two boyfriends. Oh boy. I’m killing it. These guys are great together. Let’s hope their marriage lasts. Knock on Wood. Dickie, this is all mine. We’re getting married. I’m really happy for you, Nelson. But this is all mine. And he’s younger, he’s hotter, and I hate to state the obvious but he’s black. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. I just want to stay to Nelson and Todd may all your ups and downs be between the sheets. Between the sheets, people! All right. Thanks, Wood. That was beautiful. I should probably say a few words to the happy couple. But I have six more jokes. I promise to be brief. I don’t want my toast to last longer than the marriage. Todd, you seem like a really nice guy. A guy who deserves a wonderful husband. So I want to promise you that I will not rest until I figure out exactly what went wrong here. Just kidding. Just kidding. Nelson, what can I say? I’ve got a yard full of people here hanging on my every word and for the first time in my life I can’t think of a god damned thing to say. Man, I wish you were more interesting! You know, come to think of it, your whole relationship with Todd reminds me of an episode of Reggie’s TV show. Just one big unsolved mystery. Bottom’s up. A phrase I believe you’re familiar with, Nelson. (Laughs) (Chokes) (Gasps) Dickie! Dickie? My Dickie!