Which Apocalypse Would Be the Most Fun? | After Hours


Zombie apocalypse. It’s simple, they’re just an easily defeated opponent, they’re a worse version of normal people. Who you also dominate. I would be the terror of zombie town. Doesn’t that kind of depend on what kind of zombies you’re talking about? Ooookay. There’s only one type of zombie. No, I mean if you’re talking about the 28 Days Later type of zombie- The slow, mindless, disorganized- There’s a lot of other- Okay! If you’re going to get into every Tom, Dick and rage-virus’s reimagining of zombies we will be here all night. Romero zombies are the only zombies, we literally CANNOT advance this conversation otherwise. And you’ve driven another woman away from us. She didn’t even take my order. But back to Soren. You want a zombie apocalypse? What if you get bit? (Soren) Oh no that’s no problem. I won’t. We’re doing hypotheticals here, you can’t just say “no”. If we were in a zombie movie right now, who’s the likeliest candidate for a strong-willed, selfless, zombie-defeating protagonist? (Michael) Soren.
(Katie) It would be you. If I get bit by a zombie, you’ve all been zombies for weeks. Months, for some of you. Sure. So…? So it’s win-win for me. Okay, on one end, I’m leading a team of strangers turned unlikely heroes in a vicious battle. And on the other end, if I am bit- then suddenly the winning team has a franchise player. I would be the worst zombie any of you could ever encounter. I would get their ranks in line, I would efficiently take out the rest of the humans, I might even come up with a renewable source of brains. You think we would die first, separately? I always figured we’d be… like a team. Dan, I’m a survivor, I play to win. I can’t risk you slowing me down, or you falling in love with me, or you trying to trade me to the zombies in exchange for leniency. I was just thinking that exact thing! You know, I don’t think I’d want to fight zombies. Well, no, Katie, nobody actually wants to fight zombies. Really? Because it’s all I want to do now. No, I mean for my apocalypse scenario. I mean I would like a war, because going out in a blaze of glory is attractive, but I would rather it be against a robot uprising instead of a zombie army. ‘Cause robots don’t have human faces. Yeah, they do, in their hideous robot claws! Okay, but you don’t have emotions or feelings tied up with robots. You clearly never had a Teddy Ruxpin growing up. Okay, let me put it this way, I’m sure you all have already thought about what you would do if zombies were to attack this restaurant. Round up all the food and anyone who looks like they can fight, and get them up on the roof. Wrap up all the zombies with my web and throw them into a train. I’m Spiderman in mine. Strike a deal with their leader by offering… Dan as a trophy wife! Okay, all of these are good plans, but no matter how prepared you think you are for a zombie apocalypse, it’s a different story when you’re staring a loved one in the face that you have to murder and frankly, I can’t take the chance that you guys would puss out. I mean you all think that you could shoot Michael in the face if you had to, but could you? (In unison) Yes. I can’t trust any of you to pull the trigger when you’re staring at your best friend. I mean it’s our inability to guiltlessly murder loved ones that will bring about our ultimate downfall. We gotta get that on a family crest or something. A t-shirt for babies. You’re all living in a naive fantasy world. You realize she just called us pussies for not shooting our mom’s, right? Robots? Are you kidding me? They’re giant metal monsters with no fear, no need to sleep, and an insatiable appetite for man-screams. Yet you fight… why? You fight to win. So what would your apocalypse scenario be? An asteroid. That is without a doubt going to destroy the world. I want the weatherman to come on and say, “This just in, north- high front of meteors. There’s meteors in six days, it’s meteor time.” You think a weatherman would break that story, not the president, or…? I want and exact time limit, okay? I want total, unavoidable armageddon, like in that movie Deep Impact. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like sticking it in stuff. Yeah, that’s not how that song goes. That’s why mine’s the best. No ones running, no one’s fighting, ‘cause there’s nowhere to go and nowhere to hide, so what do we do? Bone. Bone City, Bone Central! Anything to take our minds off of our impending doom for a few hours. Minutes, for some of us. Sure. No, we would survive, we would find a way. Like the rescue ark in 2012. Alright, even if there are “rescue arks”, why the hell would we be on them? This is the real world. There’s no Bruce Willis to punch the rock out of the sky, and there’s no Jeff Goldblum to come through in the 11th hour with a nerd solution. Dan could be Jeff Goldblum. Thank you! It’s not just any day, it’s Independence Day! Bullseye Goldblum! Alright, no one is Goldblum, okay? We’re gonna die, and soon, and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to use the remainder of my time mercilessly hitting on every woman I see. Hey, the world’s gonna end tomorrow but that still leaves us all night long. Hey, have you seen TV lately? All sports are canceled, and everything else is just video of people crying, put me in you. Hey, no one’s gonna judge you, who cares if you get pregnant, and you’re not going to work tomorrow, get in my goddamn van! Those are all reasons not to have sex with you. Sex is the last way to scream “I am alive!” To make a connection with another human being. Maybe even make a connection with someone, in the butt. You know I’m right. Ass-pocalypse. I think he might actually have a… No, he doesn’t have an anything. I won this conversation! One, give me one! No, you’re saying it wrong, you’re not right, the way you’re saying it! In a world where tomorrow doesn’t exist, indiscriminately sticking it may be his only hope. I feel awful about what just happened. That’s what she will say. Hey, if Dan’s Goldblum, does that mean I’m Will Smith? Soren’s Will Smith. You’re Randy Quaid. That’s distasteful. If you make me the alien I will punch you in the throat. There’s a stripper in that movie. There it is! You’re the stripper. (Katie) I’ve never been a stripper, why-?! (Soren) Yeah, but I think she’s the wife of Will Smith in that, so you’re not doing too bad. (Katie) She’s a stripper.
(Daniel) She’s still a stripper… (Soren) Look, you’re concentrating on the aspects of this woman that are… derogatory. (Katie) She likes dolphins, remember? (Soren) She’s married to Will Smith…

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Comments

  1. meh i prefer if they just toxin sleepy gas in a global scale. Everyone die, but in they sleep.

    would be the nicest, painless death i could think of

  2. They wouldn't tell us about an asteroid, maybe issue a ten minute nuclear attack warning so those with bunkers can hide, but more than a day of doom and there's needless suffering.

  3. Your still be rejected for the same reason you are now,Everyone would be in the asspocalypse so why would anyone choose to have sex with you when they could get it on with anyone else

  4. I'm disappointed that they didn't go into the implications that an incoming unavoidable apocalypse would have. People just wouldn't bother to go to work anymore, many nuclear reactors would just explode, electricity would probably be gone and chaos would ensue. Humanity probably wouldn't even last until the meteor actually hit, unless people would be forced with torture or something to actually still show up at work

  5. I don't know about you, but I think Winston Rowntree (Mike's thought cartoonist) secretly always wanted to do porn

  6. I think they only brought up two points for this one. Zombies (with a three line detour about robots not having faces) and Michael's deep impact ;).

  7. The problem with Michael's is people. Itd be great if such an event brought us together in a melancholy, poetic way where we come together and do all the sex and live to the fullest. But realistically, it'd be the fuckin purge. Rampant looting, murder, and pillaging.

  8. Fallout New Vegas
    New Vegas had a lot more settlements than 3 or 4 and the settlements don't feel the effects of the war until after the Courier has made their choice and either
    A) Joined House
    B) Joined the NCR
    C) Joined Ceaser's Legion or
    D) Declared NV to be independent.

  9. The correct apocalypse is The Stand. There's no fighting necessary, no constant risk of dying. Once you survive the initial wave of disease, because you're one of the people completely immune, you're all done. All you have to do then is find other survivors and rebuild your town/farm/hunter-gatherer society.

  10. Not what I would want, but what about a White Zombie apocalypse? That's the one that scares me. For best, maybe that zombie Romeo and Juliet movie where the zombies can become people again.

  11. I just watched the latest episode and now I’m watching episode 3 and the chemistry is exactly the same, I love this series. Honestly the editing is much better here, though more crude

  12. a nuclear apocalypse is better you get the best parts of a zombie apocalypse and a asteroid apocalypse

  13. I love how Soren knows what would happen if he kept anyone else around him, mostly Michael trading him to the zombies for leniency. Then it becomes Dan the trophy wife. And the asteroid scenario is probably my favorite, mostly Michael's version and Soren is most likely to be the one to shoot Michael in the face XD

  14. I would not want to live in a world where my only option is totally selfish sexual encounters with wildly insecure men. Like… in that scenario, NO women would have sex, considering it would be a giant waste of precious time, because… what would you even get? I'm really.. I like this series a lot, but also my God, the bleak realism of how the guys treat Katie and how the actual pop culture is a hundred percent behind that kind of thing.. is really a source of deep-seated rage for me. And then all I can think is Soren isn't even hot.

  15. The great thing about robot uprisings is they’re reasonable, humans kill stuff for fun or just because they feel like it, a robot uprising would be systematic with a clear goal.

  16. there are so many hidden details in the animations of these old videos.. the bottom of the asspocolypse poster read 'coming and coming and coming this fall', and the robot had a text screen reading 'windows: me'

  17. 1:35
    “Take our the rest of the humans”
    “Come up with a renewable source of brains”
    Um, Soren, humans ARE a renewable source of brains

  18. That was one of the few movies that didn't shame or kill off their sex worker character. I love Independence Day for that. Kinda disappointed y'all used calling Kate a stripper as an insult in this video. I realize this is old as hell, but yeah. Sad reaccs. I really enjoyed finding this show, hope y'all have grown and improved your perspectives on sex workers and stopped using them as the butts of jokes/ways to insult your friends. 🙂

  19. so, they shoot down the waitress for bringing up alternate versions of zombies, but Soren can say that he would become a super smart and efficient zombie leader?

  20. The one thing I don't like about this video is
    "What about the other kinds of zombies?!"
    "There are too many so we only count one."

    What?! You can't just eliminate data bc it doesn't fit

  21. Asteroid would not end in only boning. Everyone would suddenly release all their social bounds. You always wanted to go on a killing spree but didn't want to die or be in prison? Well, now's your time. The president thinks "well, might as well" and nukes russia.

    There would be a LOT of violence. Not an orgy that lasts until the asteroid hits.

    (And just to be sure: this is neither a call for murder, rape, or any kind of violence, nor a statement about the current potus. Only a hypothetical)

  22. Best apocalypse is plague. Find a bunker hide out and wear protective equipment. Then take over when the plague dies out

  23. 0:40 to 0:50 'We can't consider all the hypothetical zombie scenarios.'
    1:00 to 1:05 "We're doing hypotheticals here, you can't just say no."

    I would like to think that that little bit of contradiction-or whatever that was-was intentional but since you're asking about which Apocalypse would be more fun, I have a hard time believing that thought entered into any of this. 😀

  24. My apocalypse would be every adult who does not believe climate change is real regardless of power has a life ending heart attack. So it would be picking up the pieces after that. That's a huge percentage of dead bodies to deal with. They could be on a plane that has to land now. You need to replace about a third of your politicians. Some of those idiots had kids/families and so on. Plus side, a lot less pseudo scientists. Unfortunately this would mostly be covering idiots and the delusional not the just lying.

  25. I love that Michael has a van in his scenario, implying that a) he already has an "in case of apocalypse" sex van, b) his first move upon hearing mankind is doomed will be to buy a van, or c) he has a nonspecific sex van that can be repurposed into an apocalypse sex van.

  26. All of the Cracked: After Hours videos sound like conversations me and my friends would have on any given day. Legit me and my friends would talk about the apocalypse and movies and theories all the time at lunch and stuff.

  27. Hah, Katies card says her specialty is Microsoft excel and her cathphrase is "RUN!"
    Whoever wrote those cards deserves a raise

  28. If you're going to do Zombie apocalypse do Zombieland. There wasn't that many zombies that we saw so there couldn't be that many left. Roads were empty, except for the supermarket they encountered almost no zombies. They had cars, guns and even working electricity. Everything was still up and running. With the exception of the amusement park with it's bright lights, bells and music you're not going to attract zombies. And you could steal construction equipment to build a trap using the amusement park to slaughter tons of zombies.

    You could literally live in a new house each night. Go house to house sleeping in their beds, eating all the food you want, wearing whatever clothes you want etc. Want to drive to the ocean? Go for it. Steal gas and a car and you're there for a fun day. Sure you always have to look over your shoulder but so what. You do that no matter what during a zombie apocalypse. You can go anywhere and do anything. There's no one to stop you. We never saw any military or police. Just Hostess, Bill Fucking Murray and a care-free life.

  29. That asspocalype poster is amazing, look at the cast! Like 10+ dudes and one woman. Bang city has lots of sausage factories apparently

  30. Michael is the sociopath, Dan is the Neurotic, Soren is the Hero. Katie doesn't really have defining character quirk. She's sort of the voice of reason and is there to offer a female perspective. I don't know if that means her character is more developed than the rest of them.

  31. Katie: You don't have any Emotions or Feelings tied up with robots.
    Daniel: You've clearly never had a Teddy Ruxpin growing up.

  32. The problem with the Armageddon scenarios is most likely the countries are just going to Nuke each other because hey we're going out anyway so fuck it.

  33. 28 days later was a poor pick for trying to say a zombie these guys were infected by virus it did not get sick from it and die they just immediately change to a ravaging bloodthirsty man eating frenzy of of a creature become a zombie to be a zombie you actually have to die and come back not just being infected by something

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