White Kids Don’t Stand a Chance at a Piñata Party – Al Madrigal


I DO LIVE IN A PREDOMINANTLY
LATINO NEIGHBORHOOD AND MY FAVORITE PLACE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD HAS GOT TO BE THE MEXICAN
PARTY SUPPLY STORE. THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. DOESN’T MATTER
WHICH ONE YOU GO TO. YOU COULD BE IN QUEENS. YOU COULD BE IN GUADALAJARA,
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. IDENTICAL.
SPRAY-PAINTED STORE FRONT. THERE’S SOME ROSES, AND IT SAYS,
“WEDDINGS, FLOWERS, RACHOTA, INCOME TAX,
MUFFLERS” AND THEN IT SAYS,
“NOTARY AND BOUNCY HOUSE” SQUEEZED IN ON THE SIDE
‘CAUSE THEY DIDN’T PLAN PROPERLY FOR THE NUMBER OF BUSINESSES
THEY WERE GONNA ROLL OUT OF THAT STORE FRONT,
AND THEN THEY’VE GOT PIñATAS HANGING OUT IN FRONT OF
SUPERHEROES YOU CAN’T IDENTIFY. I THINK THAT’S
(bleep) SPIDER-MAN. I’M NOT SURE.
DON’T KNOW WHY HE’S GOT A CAPE. AND THERE’S JUST SOME BARRIO
GEPPETTO IN THE BACK MAKING THE STUFF GOING, (Latino accent)
“YEAH, THIS IS SPIDER-MAN. “HEY, STAN LEE,
MY SPIDER-MAN CAN FLY. “RUNS OUT OF OUT WEB,
IT’S NOT AN ISSUE. SEE YOU LATER,
GREEN GOBLIN.” (laughs) I WENT IN THERE, AND I REALIZED
WHAT THEY’RE DOING JUST TO GET AROUND ALL THE
LICENSING LAWS, THEY’RE CREATING
THEIR OWN CHARACTERS. YOU CAN ASK FOR ANYTHING, AND THEY HAVE
THEIR OWN VERSION OF IT. YOU CAN TRY IT OUT
WITH ANY CHARACTER. YOU’RE LIKE, “HEY, DO YOU GUYS
HAVE DORA THE EXPLORER?” (Latino accent) “WELL,
WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR. “WE HAVE STACEY
THE SPELUNKER. “SHE EXPLORES MOSTLY CAVES. “SO SHE HAS A HEAD LAMP,
AND SHE’S FRIENDS WITH A BAT. (laughter) “IT’S NOT A BACKPACK,
JUST A FANNY PACK. IT’S PRETTY SIMILAR.” “YOU GUYS HAVE
A JIMMY NEUTRON BOY GENIUS?” (Latino accent) “OH,
WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR. “WE HAVE CASEY
THE C+ STUDENT. “HE DOESN’T BUILD ROCKET SHIPS,
BUT HE READS AT HIGH LEVELS. YEAH.
SINGLE MOM, SO…” (laughter) I WENT IN THERE, AND I GOT ONE
OF THEIR SPONGE TOM PIñATAS, AND I BROUGHT THAT HOME. NOW I’M NOT SURE IF ANYONE’S RUN
A PIñATA BEFORE. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT? IT WAS DIFFICULT BECAUSE
YOU GOT TO GET EVERYBODY A TURN. NOW MY WIFE IS FRIENDS
WITH ALL THESE L.A. HIPPIE, NO-SUGAR MOMS SO I HAVE THESE
3- AND 4-YEAR-OLDS THAT HAVE NEVER SEEN
SUGARED CEREAL OR CANDY BEFORE WALKING AROUND THIS PIñATA WITH THIS CRAZED RAPEY
HILLBILLY LOOK IN THEIR EYE. THEY’RE LIKE, “YEAH, WE’RE GONNA
GET US SOME OF THIS STUFF.” (maniacal chuckle) I ALSO INVITED ALL LATINO KIDS
FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD. I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GOOD
IDEA TO INCLUDE EVERYBODY. NOW THIS WASN’T
THEIR FIRST PIñATA. THIS WASN’T THEIR FIRST
SPONGE TOM OF THAT DAY. THEY HAD SEEN SOME ACTION,
AND THEY’RE READY TO GET IN THERE AND MESS
SOME WHITE KIDS UP. THEY WERE ORGANIZED. THEY WERE ALL DOING THE PRE-GAME
NBA THING AT ONE POINT. THEY’RE READY
TO DO SOME DAMAGE BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT
A PIñATA INSPIRES. IT’S LIKE, HEY, KIDS, LET’S GET YOUR FAVORITE
CARTOON CHARACTER AND LET’S LYNCH HIS ASS,
AND THEN WE CAN ALL TAKE TURNS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF IT
TILL HIS GUTS COME OUT. WE CAN ALL SCRAMBLE
FOR HIS SUGARY ENTRAILS. WHO’S WITH ME?
(imitates cheer) SO I PUT AN 8-YEAR-OLD TO SHOW
THE LITTLE GUYS HOW TO DO IT. RIGHT AWAY, FIRST BATTER,
KNOCKS SPONGE TOM’S LEG OFF, RIGHT, AND OUT OF HIS BALL SACK
SHOOTS A JOLLY RANCHER IN SLOW MOTION. BLUE RASPBERRY COMES FIRING OUT,
ESCAPE-POD STYLE, FREEZES IN MID-AIR. NOW IT’S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS
WHERE TIME STOPPED, AND YOU COULD SEE EVERYTHING. MY WIFE IS FRIENDS WITH SOME
OF THE (bleep) PEOPLE AND THE (bleep) KIDS
THAT GO ALONG WITH THEM. WHERE THE KIDS WE HANG OUT
WITH, FOR EXAMPLE, RUBS HIS NIPPLES
WHEN HE’S SCARED. (laughter) AND HE HAS A SEVERE UNDERBITE. SO WE HAD TO HANG OUT
WITH HIS ASS ON HALLOWEEN. FRIGHTENED OF EVERY HOUSE WITH
THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF DECORATION, COBWEBS, SOME DRY ICE. (wails) SO I LOOK OVER,
HE’S ON THE SIDELINE GREASING ONE UP,
READY TO GET IN THERE. LATINO KIDS ARE BOXING OUT
PERFECTLY POISED, READY TO GO. THEN I GOT DISTRACTED BY ONE
OF THE HIPPIE MOMS WHO WAS BREASTFEEDING A KID THAT WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO BE BREASTFEEDING. YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?
IT’S DISGUSTING. A CHILD SHOULD NOT BE OLD ENOUGH
TO COMMENT ON THE QUALITY. DO YOU GO TO CHEESECAKE FACTORY?
‘CAUSE THIS IS DELICIOUS. IT’S LIKE DULCE DE LECHE
MEETS RIESLING COMING OUT OF THIS THING,
AND I GOT TO SAY THANK YOU. SO THE JOLLY RANCHER
HITS THE FLOOR. THE KIDS GO FILING IN THERE.
THEY DISMEMBER SPONGE TOM. CANDY GOES EVERYWHERE. AS PREDICTED, LATINO KIDS
GET ABOUT 80% OF THE CANDY. MADRIGALS REPRESENT.
WE GET ANOTHER 15%. NIPPLE RUBBER, HIS CREW, WHATEVER
THEY CAN GET THEIR HANDS ON. PIECE OF NEWSPAPER
FROM THE INTERIOR. THEY’RE SATISFIED
WITH ANYTHING. THAT’S WHEN MY WIFE DOES
SOMETHING I WISHED SHE HADN’T DONE, SHE COMES IN LIKE SHE ALWAYS
DOES, AND SHE GOES, “ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
IF YOU GOT A LOT OF CANDY, “IF YOU COULD SHARE THE CANDY WITH THE KIDS WHO DIDN’T
GET A LOT OF–” (high-pitched whining) AND THAT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT
HOW MY WIFE SOUNDS, THAT’S JUST
HOW SHE SOUNDS TO ME. UH, SO– (laughter) “IF YOU’RE GONNA GO TO THE
STORE, CAN YOU PICK UP SOME–” (high-pitched whine) IT’S LIKE, “JUST (bleep)
WRITE IT DOWN, I GOT IT.” SO IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE END
OF THE STORY, (chuckles) THE KIDS ENDED UP
DOING THE RIGHT THING. THEY LOOKED AT THEIR CANDY, THEY LOOKED AT THE KIDS
WITHOUT ANY CANDY, THEY LOOKED AT MY WIFE,
AND THEN THEY SAID, “ADIOS, PENDEJA!” (laughter) AND THEY JUMPED THE FENCE
LIKE GAZELLES.

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