Why Truly Sociable People Hate Parties


The idea of being a sociable person is nowadays heavily associated with finding enjoyment in going to, and in all likelihood also in giving, parties. To be sociable means welcoming the idea of being in a room replete with an above-average number of other guests, many of whom will be unknown, most of whom will be holding a glass of alcohol, bantering, with lights lower than they normally would be, and music somewhat higher than required in order faithfully to catch the details of another’s voice. Parties have become synonymous with sociability because of certain underlying ideas about what true social connection might require and entail. We assume that sociability naturally springs up when lots of people are put together in a room, that it means speaking a lot and notably cheerfully about things that have been happening in our lives, that it depends on a jokey manner and – ideally – on the possession of a few entertaining anecdotes, often involving striking coincidences. But such assumptions sidestep two sizeable objections. Firstly, true sociability – that is a real connection between two people – is almost never built up via anything cheerful. It is the result of making ourselves vulnerable before another person, by revealing something that is broken, lost, confused, lonely and in pain within us. We build genuine connections when we dare to exchange thoughts that might leave us open to humiliation and judgement; we make real friends through sharing in an uncensored and frank way a little of the agony and confusion of being alive. Secondly, true sociability requires a context. We are generally under such pressure to appear normal, self-possessed and solid, we are understandably uninclined spontaneously to disclose our true selves. Our default mode is – without anything sinister being meant by this – to lie about who we are and what is really going on in our lives. This suggests that a genuinely social occasion might be rather different from what we typically envisage. We think of a ‘good host’ as someone who makes sure there is enough wine and, at a pinch, ensures people know each other’s names. But in the profound sense, a good host is someone who creates the conditions in which strangers can start to feel safe about being sad and desperate together. Unfortunately, the modern world seems particularly resistant to anything that seems artificial around parties, which threatens to evoke that most dreaded of all social genres: the corporate get-together. The thought is simply to pack a room and leave the rest to nature. But a commitment to deep sociability might lead us to recognise that we do depend on a little artful choreography to get us into the psychological zone in which connections can unfold. We might need encouragement – and even a helpful lanyard – to share a little of what is sad within us. We need help in networking, not in order to find new investment opportunities, but so as to identify shared regrets, humiliations and feelings of despair. Parties, as they are currently structured, constitute a clever ruse by a sharp minority, – perhaps only ten per cent of humanity – to persuade the rest of us that we have been provided with the social contact we crave. But, in truth, it takes a sharply insular and misanthropic person to feel that what goes on in an average party really counts as anything like the requisite encounter with one’s fellow human animal. If we have a lingering horror of parties, we should be generous towards our hunches. It doesn’t mean that we don’t like other people, rather that we have too ambitious a conception of social contact to put up with what is on offer at most parties. The mark of a truly sociable person might, in many situations, simply be a strong desire to stay at home. If you’re interested in comming to San Francisco to meet us at the end of March, please click on the link on the screen now, to find out more. We hope to see you there.

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  1. Where do you fit on this scale? If you want more from us, why not come and meet us in the USA on 23rd-25th March 2018: https://goo.gl/XYgyE6

  2. A true sociable person is one who genuinely care about the well beings of others and willing to share their vulnerability. One deep connections is better than 100 facebook contacts who shows their michelin dinner, their hand bags, their six packs, their 5 stars holiday.

  3. Not a fan of parties… because I'm sure something negative will get me a few days or right away after my birthday…

  4. Life is a party ….just don't linger too long in one part….move away from those who would have you be a captive audience…..

  5. Spot on. I have never been able to enjoy a party. They make me uncomfortable but not in the essence that I’m scared. It’s just overtly loud music where I’m being shut down to have a conversation with people, this being influenced to drink more. I like to limit the amount of alcohol that goes into my body but parties make it to where I am not able to control much of myself. I don’t like it. I want to be able to enjoy parties but it’s just a bunch of people losing their minds and senses to where they lack self control. Nope, I’m out.

  6. Why the emphasis on sadness? I thought I'd recognize myself in this video but although I can't stand parties, I can't say I do. I'd replace all the sad/broken/dark stuff with simply what is real to individuals. Parties generally lack people willing to be genuine about who they are (maybe because that's what they're trying to escape by being there in the first place). Although it's true that our realness almost certainly will include darker sides, being open about them is clearly not the only way to connect with people. Also, vulnerability is not only made possible by showing our darker sides. Showing our excitement (which a lot of people can't do without being drunk or stoned), sharing opinions that are unpopular within a particular group of people or being silly at the risk of being judged, those are all ways one can be vulnerable.

    So to summarize: I agree that putting on a drunken show with a bunch of equally disconnected people surely don't coincide with my definition of sociability… but genuine and open people available for true social interactions have much more to offer than their pains.

  7. I can't stand parties. I watch everyone being completely fake. There's so much laughter. Everyone is so nervous. I like a group of 2 to 3 people…that's it.

  8. After the first hour of a party, people runs out of small talks and then starts been indiscreet. That’s why I hardly stay after the second hour.

  9. This is a great way of putting it. I have a friend who we’ve dubbed “the hype man”. He’s one of my closest friends because we are able to be vulnerable with eachother. Problem is that he feels compelled to fit in with the world you described, and as a result ends up drinking way too damn much and getting super obnoxious when we go out. He’ll randomly scream or “woo” to alert everyone around him that he’s having a good time. He’ll attract a few fellow drunks here and there but always goes home alone and usually vomits at some point.

  10. So It looks like I'm not an introvert but I just hate superficial conversations all the time. No, who I'm trying to lie to? I have terrible social anxiety hahaha…

  11. So true! Even though im extroverted im a little shy and not exactly sociable. So parties feel super comfortable for me, not too much talking and just dancing

  12. I find myself sociable, but whenever I learn about people, all you see is their insecurities and what's frustrating is how they use people to fill in what's missing in their lives. That's why I hate big parties, the opportunity for something selfish and devious increases when in company of people who have nothing to lose.

  13. I always feel uncomfortable at first at a party or gathering but most the time it turns out better then staying in on my own. Sometimes you just need to get out your comfort zone and be around people.

  14. I actually really hate this video. Yeah, perhaps the point is sociability=/= being fun at parties, and they get that point right. But I fucking hate how they associate parties to be meaningless and superficial. Yes, they are superficial. But that's the point. If you want a true hangout, you hangout with a small group of friends, watch movies, have an intimate party. You want to get to know new people, you let your friends invite one or two of their close friends. But big parties and alcohol is to allow people to let loose. To step out of the daily fucking routine and sadness and celebrate! Have fun! Not a sob fest!! Just a lot of partying!

  15. I hate being around fake people. They're a waste of time. But get a bunch of genuine people together, and party, party, party!! Then its a good time to sing "I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day."

  16. Isn't there space for both? Parties where you get drunk, dance and sing, maybe even make out with that one person in the bedroom; but you don't do a lot of talking. And then the kind of party where you turn the music down, have an honest conversation and open up to friends and strangers. I feel like I need both of those things, not just the last kind. There is also happiness in letting go, as you do in the first type of party.

  17. This was fantastic. I view myself as a very social person, yet, these days, I spend most of my time alone. I shun going out and I dread parties all for the reasons depicted here.

    I crave social connection, yet this culture does everything to stop us from obtaining this connection. I can feel mental illness creeping into my mind.

    Oh god please let something happen to change our world from it’s current trajectory. 🙏🙏🙏

  18. i'm the most sociable person, ever by this definition.
    is this enough vulnerability to constitute a true social interaction?

  19. These videos are brilliantly reassuring. Especially this one, and especially on a sunny Friday evening when the world requires me to be 'getting slaughtered' etc. – and reading quietly, for instance, is strictly forbidden.

  20. I love sitting at the beach and watch the sunset, soo peaceful and relaxing wish I could share these moment with somebody one day…

  21. I don't know … I think he's playing with the meaning of 'sociability' in order to make a point. He gives no explanation of what he means by 'a truly sociable' person, as opposed to the type of person we always thought was 'sociable', up until we watched this vid. This is the kind of thing that is reaffirming to the kind of introverts who would be watching something like this – but for anyone who really enjoys whooping it up at a party, I don't think it would make a lot of sense. There's enjoying yourself at a party – which we would usually think of as being sociable – and then there's having a heart-to-heart, which we would usually think of as something else – say, friendship. Some of us are not 'sociable' when it comes to the old heart-to-heart; why would we be?

  22. So true, when I was young I thought there was something wrong with me, as. I would rather chat to a few people in depth, in a place where I could hear what they said rather than be in a room full of people acting out, smothered by loud music… Parties :totally unsociable

  23. Seems people mainly just go to parties to get laid and to get drunk/high. I don't think forming actual human connection is the purpose of these types of parties

  24. I dont like generic parties at someone I dont really know or like. I only like raves because they are a lot of fun and I get to know quite a few people. It is always nice to do different things than what you usually do in daily life. Everyone needs his adventures at some point.

  25. God, I hate parties. After decades of experience – I have seen zero benefit from parties. Infinitely more benefit from work.

  26. This seems extremely one-sided. Human connection comes from sharing a balance of experiences, not just sharing your worries and vulnerabilities all the time. I've seen so many people who make a friend, then destroy the friendship because all they do is constantly vent their anxieties and depression and personal issues. Eventually the other friend feels trapped and emotionally exhausted from playing personal therapist all the time, so they distance themselves.

    All things in balance. Sharing vulnerabilities builds trust, but that has to be counter-balanced with reward. If you care about that person, you'll want to add to their happiness, not just take turns soothing each other's misery.

  27. One-on-one is what I call being sociable – three or four people at most. More is just noise and not really getting to know anyone. I love getting into a conversation with one person at a bus stop, in the checkout line or some random setting like like that way more than a contrived pre-planned situation like a party.

  28. The beginning is the tough part, but later at night is when some of the best personal connections and conversations at parties happen because people are tired of acting. Parties aren’t always about holding yourself at arms length, if you put yourself out there and don’t worry too much about what people think it is liberating

  29. The beginning is the tough part, but later at night is when some of the best personal connections and conversations at parties happen because people are tired of acting. Parties aren’t always about holding yourself at arms length, if you are in the right party with people that you trust, put yourself out there and don’t worry too much about what people think- you may be surprised at what you can get out of a party. It just takes one person to open up, because everyone else wants to open up but is too afraid.

  30. I stopped going to parties right after college. I've been to very few here and there since, but never enjoyed them all that much. Then I moved to the south, attended maybe three, and they ALL were downright excruciating. The people were ULTRA-shallow dullards, only talked about money and possessions. No more, thanks.

  31. My ex’s are criminals that has disappeared with our daughters but at least ¡’Ve been the victim and not the babies you know what ¡ mean❓

  32. if you ppl watch @ a party, you'll find a lot of pretentiousness in the room. From pretending the conversation to be interesting to the forced laughter at childish jokes. I prefer a party for 1 most of the time.

  33. Hmm…..I definitely hate parties…with a passion. The deep social part though, well that's not really my thing either, probably because my experience is that it's darned near impossible to find anybody who can truly engage at that level. People I've known for years who I think I can go there with, I try and they retreat. I've learned to enjoy my own company.

  34. As I got older and didn’t drink alcohol I hated parties. When you are sober you notice how dumb parties are just people getting fucked up and acting stupid.

  35. I'm a solid introvert so, there's nothing quite like the glow of a camp fire, wind blowing the flames, the dancing shadows on the rocks, the distant sound of the coyotes as the stars glow brighter and brighter in the darkness of the night.

    Now that's my kind of party. Oh, and pass the libations. I'm ready for another pull and another hit.

    I'll talk all night long. As long as it isn't about your new car wheels, your favorite pants, how screwed up your haircut is, what rookie is screwing up on your favorite team, what political so and so is up to now or what the latest girl did to hurt you. I got a soul I'm curious about. It's got to be deep, or I won't plunge in.

  36. This. This is what I try to explain them, but people are like "yoU JuST WaNNa Be EdGy/cOOl" so I never explain why I don't go

  37. The one aspect I really feel the need to criticize is the part that suggests you can only bond over mutual pain. I used to believe that and it invited very unhealthy relationships sometimes.

  38. I have been at parties, and weddings, where the music is so loud that you can't even talk to someone seated right next to you. I have seen DJs who were asked to lower the music, deliberately make it even louder. I find it an excruciating experience.

  39. I'm somewhat sociable and I won't go to parties. Past me used get dragged along anyway and not have any fun. Present me just declines invitations, because I hate parties and I don't see the point to them. I like drugs and exotic vacations, but those are expensive hobbies so I prefer to just be alone. I could just sit and either think about something useful, learn something new or just do absolutely nothing and be fine with it. My time is valuable. It makes no sense to spend money and waste it when I could waste it for free.

  40. Mannn, i promised i would be at a suprise party tomorrow for someone from work. Its gonna be a serious party with drank and everything and i had no idea. Im so nervous ugh😭

  41. I absolutely love this video! So true! I absolutely HATE small-talk, I would rather eat chalk or dog food than contribute to a meaningless conversation.

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